at a certain point
I sent the following to my therapist:
"At a certain point, we all need to stand independently in life and now I am seeing what it takes for me to feel comfortable or ok in light of that reality."
She responded:
"We do best when we are independent but also accept our interdependence, I think."
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Now at home I write:
I'm home from work now and just keenly aware of my experience. If left to my own devices
the beauty of my home, and the moment, flood me like a spiritual light and it's like living in
a shiny glowing spirit...peaceful and one with nature...
I know it would be nice to just experience this - but I also have to be strong enough and purposeful enough
to be independent and take care of myself.
As I set about washing up after work and having lunch, the provoking and reactionary "What ifs" of
my life started to set out to attack me...All the anxiety producing pitfalls either in terms of strong blasting
family members etc...
This kind of thing has plagued my life, I mean from a very young age
either while trying to fall asleep or simply during the day while having a moment of rest or whatever activity really
... But I remembered today that "Feelings are not facts, they change"
and in owning my life and my day and my moment, it's important to keep striving for, knowing myself and my ownership and imagine how I would like to live...Imagery for how I like to have things is starting to form...
This may not make a lot of sense to many who don't know my total story but I have had challenging identity issues
which stemmed from my condition. I'm really hoping with practice and persistence I can habituate putting myself
in positive environments where I can maximize my potential for how I am in the world and for what I imagine I would like to have.
Replies
Sending big hugs Marko.
You’ve taken a lot of zigzagging paths like the rest of your peers here likely have. I hope the straight road ahead is visible and clear now.
None of us have all the answers nor insight into the future so here we are, in this moment, breathing the same atmosphere that equalizes and, with great hope, unifies more people when we can agree that human kindness could go a long way if we want it to.
Hope you and Blue have had a relaxing day. I was out walking and it was warmer then I thought! I have to run out to an event and I hope I don’t stink hahaha
Thanks Nikki!!
personally, i prefer having the option of NOT experiencing this life. i prefer it to the extent of having experienced catatonic dissociation in pursuit of the preference. alas, the experience of life even seeped into that void.
these days my bigger question is, "how do i treat the experience?" is it a hardship to be suffered, a privilege to learn from or one of the other infinite possibilities? attitude counts.
Peace Arfie