Asleep
I honestly don't know what i'm doing anymore tbh. I feel so lost and confused, like I'm digging for something in the dark. I keep fluctuating between mania and despair. I know I need to see my NP (I see her the 21st) and get my meds changed but what happens then? I'm afraid that I will become a zombie again, it is almost worth it to be this unstable being. It is better to feel something than nothing. I don't want to live my life numbed out and even more dead inside than I already am. But without my meds I'm completely off to the races, I know I need them, but I don't want to need them. I just want one day of normality.
My coworker was so excited today because she got to meet her college roommate and they really hit it off. I'm normally not a jealous person, and I was very happy for her, but I felt this tiny stab of envy. I want to be her rn and not me. I don't want to have to down five types of pills to function about half as well as a normal person. I don't want to sit here and debate on whether or not I should tell my sister I was raped. I don't want to look at the life I am destined to live, which will be short and painful and will most likely end by my own hand, as most bipolar people's lives come to a close.
I know I don't deserve to be happy, I know I'm worthless and pitiful and not worthy of anything but I still want to be happy, genuinely happy. Not manic, not hypomanic, not medicated. I want to feel content and at peace. Fuck I know how selfish that sounds but I want it so badly. I want to make my family proud again but I know I never will. I'm not the college bound honor student I was, that girl died with my diagnosis, fuck she died the night I was raped but I managed to keep her on life support long enough to see my mother smile and my dad glow with pride. I'll never see those expressions again. All I see now is worry and painful resignation. It isn't fair to expect them to take care of me. I need to leave them, go somewhere where I can't hurt them anymore. I don't deserve my family's love. I don't want anyone to care about me, because I don't care about myself. I want to rip my body apart until there is nothing left but bones.
I hate this fucking bodyI hate this fucking mindI hate this fucking life
I don't want to live the years stretching out ahead of me, I don't want to wait around until my body gives out. I just want to go to sleep. I don't care anymore. My family will be relived that I'm gone. No more fat ugly worthless leech of a daughter to look after.
My coworker was so excited today because she got to meet her college roommate and they really hit it off. I'm normally not a jealous person, and I was very happy for her, but I felt this tiny stab of envy. I want to be her rn and not me. I don't want to have to down five types of pills to function about half as well as a normal person. I don't want to sit here and debate on whether or not I should tell my sister I was raped. I don't want to look at the life I am destined to live, which will be short and painful and will most likely end by my own hand, as most bipolar people's lives come to a close.
I know I don't deserve to be happy, I know I'm worthless and pitiful and not worthy of anything but I still want to be happy, genuinely happy. Not manic, not hypomanic, not medicated. I want to feel content and at peace. Fuck I know how selfish that sounds but I want it so badly. I want to make my family proud again but I know I never will. I'm not the college bound honor student I was, that girl died with my diagnosis, fuck she died the night I was raped but I managed to keep her on life support long enough to see my mother smile and my dad glow with pride. I'll never see those expressions again. All I see now is worry and painful resignation. It isn't fair to expect them to take care of me. I need to leave them, go somewhere where I can't hurt them anymore. I don't deserve my family's love. I don't want anyone to care about me, because I don't care about myself. I want to rip my body apart until there is nothing left but bones.
I hate this fucking bodyI hate this fucking mindI hate this fucking life
I don't want to live the years stretching out ahead of me, I don't want to wait around until my body gives out. I just want to go to sleep. I don't care anymore. My family will be relived that I'm gone. No more fat ugly worthless leech of a daughter to look after.
Replies
I am reading this and remembering that exact feeling of screw it. I don\'t describe myself as religious but more of a spiritually connected person, I think that comes from being part Sami Indian. The only thing that worked for me at that time was to find one thing about myself that I truly liked, whether the color of your eyes, your hands, for me it was my cowboy boots, don\'t ask! I just felt a little more powerful when I wore them, I eventually became known for that but then I began to notice other things that I was good at, and did little by little until I realized that it wasn\'t about all those other unhappy people, this is about me and darn it I like this part of me! There was a time that I wore the bluest contacts I could get because I loved my blue eyes, I got so many compliments that I knew, I am worth it, and so are you! Start small, just try it to see what happenes, you might surprise yourself! Take care of you first.