Asking for advice. Comments welcome.

Hello Dear Friend,

A request for your 22 cents worth….remember when it was 2 cents worth (and that amount held value?)
 
Health is an issue. Something everyone can relate to.   We all face challenges when hit with changes in our health. It’s a difficult journey…a transition, to learn to cope, accept, grieve, function……..find a sense of purpose. Keep our souls within the light when darkness threatens to steal our joy.
 
Joy is something we must protect. It is that which lies deep inside, it propels the river of the very core of us. It holds hidden strength. We thought we knew what we were made of and then we were hit with a life storm no one could prepare us for.
 
We didn’t know what we would need…it happened in a way that impacted every outlook of our lives. How we function, levels of energy, how we interact, how we manage from day to day. How to emerge from these enormous changes to finding our way.
 
We’re on a new and different path. How we treat ourselves is important. We need to self protect, show compassion to self and others.
 
Learn what patience really means, what it takes. Flexibility is reshaped and reformed so many times throughout the course of a day that it leaves us wrenched and stymied …uncertain, sometimes angry or in tears. At times so exhausted we can do nothing…we just are. …sitting or lying in a puddle of helplessness. Too ill to get to the bed, too ill to shower, too ill to sleep…………..lying there shivering, but without enough function to pull a blanket over our own bodies.
 
At other times we emerge with this vibrancy for life. We may be quieter, changed in outward ways... we can’t remain unaffected by the illness that has knocked on the door of our homes……came in without invitation. Impacted every facet of our lives, our loved ones, our families, our ability to work, to play, to be.
 
It’s a long and winding road……….
 
Humans have an amazing resilience. They face the toughest losses, heartaches and yet somehow navigate their new life terrain with a steadfast sense of drive. The need in us to survive is strong, the desire to flourish with purpose runs deep.
 
So what is my question to you this fine day after Christmas? I’m heading that way…
 
Health issues prevented me (for a lot of this year) from being able to do as much as I’ve been able to do before. ----had to make tough choices daily in order to take care of myself, my home, my pets, my responsibilities………social needs and wants suffered most. And doesn’t this feel more than familiar to most or many of you?
 
It’s hard to keep up when you have the concentration of a tietze fly. It’s hard to be there the way you want to when you can’t even manage to take a shower daily. You can’t go to the event, you can’t spend the time you want with your dear friend(s). You try to explain, but they don’t understand. They know life and it’s challenges, they do…but their core experience is vastly different from what we face.
 
We aren’t trying to lord it over them, that’s not it………we’re trying to find a way to make them understand that (for us) our world often comes to a screeching halt.
 
Robs us of what we want, wish, need, hope for and that is that. Sometimes for hours, for days, weeks, months…years. It’s a life sentence being in these sick bodies. There is no end……….there is only this new path. To learn what we can do. To learn how to pick and choose not only our battles, but that which delights us, feeds the senses and nourishes the soul.
 
So when my friend, this one friend in particular let me know that she was no longer talking to me because I hadn’t been able to be as active in her life I was hurt. Offended…….baffled and then finally teary eyed and melting into a puddle. Does my friend deserve more from me?
 
Of course, I love her and I want to be there for her. Does my friend need to settle for friendships that don’t produce the same amount of support and interaction? Should the word “settle” be so overused --- so easily entered into our daily thinking that we are “too focused on ourselves? To the point that perhaps we now lack the ability to see the truer picture?
 
I didn’t stop wanting time with her. I didn’t stop needing that relationship. I didn’t cease to admire her or wish her well, or be in awe of her amazing talents and the wonderful heart she has. I didn’t stop loving or caring or wanting to be a part of her life.
 
I was not able, in fact they call it disabled. The idea of this term is to describe to others what our condition(s) mean to our lives.
 
We can’t. (not always, but often……just can’t. …but oh when we can, we rise up like a phoenix out of the ashes, we grab the brass ring, we laugh -- share our joy at the simplest of things……….we grab the bits of life we can with gusto. We are the very essence of humanity. We love to feel, conquer, manage and grow.
 
So my friend tells me I was not invited to her table this year:
 
because she had not heard from me as often.
because I wasn’t able to interact with her often on social media
because I wasn’t able to talk on the phone often or for long.
 
She was unsatisfied with less…I get it --- so WAS I! Who doesn’t want more? Who doesn’t want enough?   Who doesn’t want to be a part of the lives of their loved ones, the friends who lift them up, lend support…urge them to be more, to excel?
 
So when my friend brought up her reasons to me for the second or is it now the third, sigh…….actually the fourth time why I didn’t get included……..called or responded to ……..it hit hard.
 
Should she accept my apology? Should she understand? Should she agree that it was a tough year and yet hope that things get better for me…….for our friendship? Or should she remind me of my inability too meet her standards, at if so, for how long?

How many times is enough to make me feel bad, should my picture be on the mighty Wall of Shame and if so, for how long? Is this doghouse permanent? Did I think we had a stronger friendship, one that could withstand illness?

Do I deserve to not only be forgiven but to be welcomed with open arms. To not continue to bring my human foibles up so I can feel bad over and over again like an ill trained young puppy? I don’t like being hit on the nose for things beyond my control.
 
I wonder if she faces a life changing challenge (similar to my own journey) how will I treat her? I don’t wish this for her. She is healthy, with normal aches and pains. In no way am I trying to diminish her. Everyone’s quality of life is just as important to them as ours is to us.
 
We need to respect them the way we respect ourselves……….can you feel “the but” coming?
 
I know I do too! I think that if my friend was struggling, if I was aware of how ill she is, I would still invite her to sit at my table, I would still be there for her. With a card or an email now and then offering support. I would not hold her inability to keep up over her head…I would let that go. I would want to lift her up. Why?
 
I know what it is like to live this way.
 
We are all entitled to choose who we spend time with. No one can be forced to care ……to love you. I can’t help but wonder however, if their lives had undergone such extraordinary changes (the way we have) would we chuck them?

Admonish them? Ignore their apology? Put limits on when they are to be included, loved on, accepted? And most importantly…made to feel welcome?
 
My thought is that we need to weigh this very carefully. I am not anti- boundaries. I believe we need to be well treated. …never to the extent that we cease to understand. Lose compassion.
 
I was doing less…my health was worse than usual. My lack of ability was brought to my attention. I addressed it with an apology more than once. I shed tears over it. I felt bad. It hurt. I missed the support. I missed my friend so much!
 
I wished with all my heart to hear words like:
“ I know it isn’t easy for you hon.”
“I know you’re ill -usually on your own. Don’t sweat it!”
“I understand there will be times when you can’t do as much.”
“Hey Sunshine, not to worry…we’ll pick up from where we left off.”
“Good friends are good friends, we all go through ups and downs.”
“You have no need to apologize, I know you’re doing your best.”
 
 
My friend has brought my lessened abilities to my attention several times. She has not acknowledged my apology. She has not said, “No apology needed.” Have I lost intrinsic human value (to her) to such an extent that she no longer cares?
 
Is a sense of her own needs so strong that she cannot cope with/tolerate/deal with weakness in others? Have they/we become of less or no value to her?
 
I addressed her feelings, her comments and I apologized. I have cried about this……..for hurting her. For the loss of time with her. With the loss of what this friendship has brought to me. There is VALUE. I love my friend(s).
 
So often as a chronically ill person:
We want more so badly we can taste it.
We want to return to a time of more strength so we can be a more active part of the fabric of their lives…………and why?
 
We love them, treasure them, value them. So if/when we have addressed the problem with them, asked forgiveness………. they know we are ill………how many times should they bring this to our attention? Park us on the naughty mat? Not acknowledge that while it’s hard for them to lose as much of our attention as before, they love us enough to understand and throw us a life life…pull us out of the water and back onto the safety of the boat.
 
Cause believe me, it’s scary being adrift on the rocky high seas after being on the ship. (very scary, lonely ,frightening).   One friend in particular said , “She would NEVER KICK ME OFF HER ISLAND. And yet it wasn’t long after I I had to stop working (due to disability) that she gave me the axe.
 
I try to be circumspect. I try to be wise and brave. Right now I am trying to decide if this particular friendship can be saved. I feel that I have done my part to the best of my ability… yet she continues to make me pay, make me feel bad for my inability to keep up with her.
 
Should I risk being even more direct? Should I say something like:
 
“I’m sorry I let you down. Please try to understand you let me down too. I’ve never gone through this before... it’s hard to lose you on top of losing so much else in life. I know it’s hard, but can you accept me as I am? Flaws, illness, warts and all? Can you understand that when you are upset with me I lose twice? I lose the part of me that could……..and I lose the part of you that says I’m OK, I like you, you’re my pal……because to me you are ok, you are my pal. I don’t measure friendship by the number of words you speak or the things you can give to me. I measure friendship more by the level of acceptance/patience and understanding we offer to each other.
 
Or am I just too far gone to be a part of your circle of friendship any longer?”
 
So:
 
Do I treasure the friendship we shared for so long and continue to try to hold on? Should I let her go?
 
Why do we think she continues to point out the past when I/WE were to ill to manage any better than we did? ….it troubles me, makes me take a look at the bigger picture. Is this friend truly a friend? I want to believe she is………I care about her, love her……….she is precious to me.
 
It hits me that Christ loves us in a way that most humans cannot. He says he will never leave us nor forsake us……I turn to Him this morning to again pray about this hurt………to know what to do.
 
I want to be:
a better person
the better person
better as a whole --- not be a petty, bitter or ticky tacky type who keeps score or tabulates the worthiness of others.
 
I want a friend to feel welcome. Accepted……….loved. I try to let my friends know how much I value them.
 
If this friend puts such high negative value on what I couldn’t do in my time of trial/crash/flare……
 
“Does she really care about me?”
“Set as high a value on our friendship?
“Did I fail to the point that there is no new dawn, no new day……….are we finished?”
 
Being ill has taught me to handle things differently. In particular, to not feel slighted or impatient for example, if a friend can’t be there as much as she is at other times.
 
I know she is stressed, suffering, in pain...going through any myriad of challenges (I may not even be aware of).
 
For her that day, the simplest thing……..getting out of bed, just getting to the bathroom/getting a drink of fresh water is the equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest.
 
(I use she/her for ease of use…………this could be any friend, any family member/either gender……….this journal is for the purpose of deepening understanding. To learn/grow and become a better friend.)

Thanks for Sharing Your Thoughts with Me,
 
Love to All,
 
Ruthie
P.S. I hope your Christmas was lovely……..softest hugs!