Asking a man to Walk
If I were in a hospital and saw a man there with no legs I wouldn't ask him to get up and walk. It would be cruel. Yet, everyday I'm asking this of my father. I'm asking him to be normal. To think the way I do. It's not possible because he has a mental condition, an actual physical or chemical embalance in the brain.
I was thinking about this today when I read of the tragic story of the woman who left her three babies in the house with candles still lit. The house caught fire and all of them died. She was then hauled off to prison where it was revealed that she had a problem with her frontal lobe, the part of the brain that regulates judgement and makes us who we are. It was so easy for me to be judgemental, but isn't that the same as asking the man without legs to just get up and walk?
Back in school I read about this man who had an accident where a large rod went through his head. They were able to pull it out, but his normal, caring behaviour was forever replaced with a mean, argumentive person. He was not the same man. He just looked like the same man.
I guess what I'm coming to Is that we as humans see the mentally challenge--and we see ourselves. We see normal looking people and expect them to live up to our standards. When we see the blind, we don't get angry because they can't see. When we see someone missing an arm, a leg, we know they're capable, but they may have to do things a little differently. And if they lived 100 years ago, they'd have to do things a lot differently.
So here's my challege: when it comes to my father I've been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I know he has mental issues. Known it all my life. Still, yesterday when I told him I was sick and he said maybe your step-daughter put something in your food, I became angry. But here's the reality. His illiness causes paranoia. And I can't talk him into my reality. All his life he won't let people cook for him because he's afraid they may be poisoing him or using voodoo on him. My mother couldn't even cook for him. In fact, he'll only eat my food. So, it's doubtful that I'm going to be able to convince him how silly his ideas are. That leaves it to me--the thankfully sane daughter. I've got to let him be him and maintain my sanity with the knowledge that he suffers a disabilty and the only difference in the man without legs and my father is you just can't see the disablity.
I was thinking about this today when I read of the tragic story of the woman who left her three babies in the house with candles still lit. The house caught fire and all of them died. She was then hauled off to prison where it was revealed that she had a problem with her frontal lobe, the part of the brain that regulates judgement and makes us who we are. It was so easy for me to be judgemental, but isn't that the same as asking the man without legs to just get up and walk?
Back in school I read about this man who had an accident where a large rod went through his head. They were able to pull it out, but his normal, caring behaviour was forever replaced with a mean, argumentive person. He was not the same man. He just looked like the same man.
I guess what I'm coming to Is that we as humans see the mentally challenge--and we see ourselves. We see normal looking people and expect them to live up to our standards. When we see the blind, we don't get angry because they can't see. When we see someone missing an arm, a leg, we know they're capable, but they may have to do things a little differently. And if they lived 100 years ago, they'd have to do things a lot differently.
So here's my challege: when it comes to my father I've been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I know he has mental issues. Known it all my life. Still, yesterday when I told him I was sick and he said maybe your step-daughter put something in your food, I became angry. But here's the reality. His illiness causes paranoia. And I can't talk him into my reality. All his life he won't let people cook for him because he's afraid they may be poisoing him or using voodoo on him. My mother couldn't even cook for him. In fact, he'll only eat my food. So, it's doubtful that I'm going to be able to convince him how silly his ideas are. That leaves it to me--the thankfully sane daughter. I've got to let him be him and maintain my sanity with the knowledge that he suffers a disabilty and the only difference in the man without legs and my father is you just can't see the disablity.
Replies
As someone with an \'invisible\' disability - I\'m just very thankful to even be alive from the harm, neglect, abuse and indifference I have known since the death of my husband left me to cope alone. I truly had no idea of the horrors of such an existence before and believed all the support needed was in place - I could not have been more deadly wrong. I hang on to life in pure desperation thinking if I had only known what I was to face if left alone in this world coping with illness and disability I would have stocked up on resources and lived carefully as there is little hope now of my long term survival depending on a support system that does not in reality even exist. We all think this network of support is in place but it is broken beyond belief and dysfunctional at best and, sadly, leaves us believing those facing such challenges have all the help they need to live well when in fact people are quite literally dying of neglect where even though it is now a well known fact which has even been formally \'studied\' we overlook it as reality and see such disabled people as \'well cared for\' when nothing could be further from the truth. I think we believe this lie because it allows us get on with life without having the pain of thinking there are those actually suffering from severe and overwhelming neglect to the place of leaving them too ill to survive well. I only now wish I had known before this was my reality of a nightmare to survive.
I\'m glad you now \'see\' what is not readily apparent to most. dieing
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
You have had to deal with more than anyone should have to. You are a very very strong woman and it shows. I dont have much advise as to how to handle it but know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can find some peace of heart and mind, YOU deserve it.
Hugs
Brenda
I know it is a challenge with someone with a mental disability. My older brother Don has a neurological disorder in the brain called Asperger\'s Syndrome. When I lose patience with him, is when I expect him to react normal, which is impossible as he is not normal. I understand how you can lose it with your dad as he is not normal. I understand 100%. Most of the time I realize Don has this disorder and doesn\'t react normally. Sometimes I expect him to hear what I am saying but with Asperger\'s Don doesn\'t hear anyone except himself as it is part of the syndrome. It is hard and difficult and really really tests our patience one hundred percent. It is why God has your dad in your life and my older brother in my life: to test our patience, love, understand and compassion. It is easy to lose all those with your dad and my brother. We are on a difficult road that not many people travel on in this life. It is to make us stronger. We must be strong women or God would not have put these people with their mental problems in our life. Not many people could handle it at all. I have been told many many times. It does not make me feel any better. One in sympathy, empathy and compassion for you from one who understands Diane B.
God be with you, Dear One ~you are a beautiful soul and strong spirit. (((hugs)))
I think that your analogy makes perfect sense. The fact that you have recognized this, which a lot of us have struggled with, may make things go smoother.
I think your last sentence, sums it up beautifully, \"I\'ve got to let him be him and maintain my sanity with the knowledge that he suffers a disabilty and the only difference in the man without legs and my father is you just can\'t see the disablity\"
Wishing you peace in the days ahead........hugs
Truhal that was a beautiful analogy of your father\'s illness. Sometimes love allows us to find strength that we never knew existed. In our own struggles and frustrations it is extremely difficult to see that we are all unique....whether it be the man without an appendage, someone with a broken heart, or someone with a mental imbalance.
I sense that you are very strong, but I still hope that you find strength to carry you through each and every day. I also hope you are feeling better your flu bug finds somewhere to go.
Hugs, Cathy
thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers....hugs, Sandi