Ashamed to Be Weak
I was hurting a bit today. Something that happened triggered my emotions and I was in tears. I wasn't going to write on here. I was just gonna shut down and go back when I felt better and then I told myself that was something I had to change. Going into shut down mode when this is the time I need some support or to deal with my feelings. The thing is I hate being weak. I hate letting anyone see me cry because it makes me feel ashamed and I'm not exactly sure why. I guess I feel like it means I'm weak and vulnerable and I don't want people to see me like that. I want to be confident and in control. I guess something that happened today opened the floodgates and it reminded me of when the particular guy I was dating (it doesn't really matter who because they were pretty much all the same) was all sweet to me just to get what he wanted and after I provided that he just turned his back on me. For instance the last guy I was dating was starting to have panic attacks. Well I've dealt with anxiety so I was helping him out with it. I even came from work on my lunch hour to calm him down. Every time he needed me I was there. Then he had to take a long bus ride to visit his family and all the way down there he texted or phoned me every couple of hours becuase he was worried about panicking on the bus. I gladly provided the help. I mean after all if he saw how supportive I was he would definitely want to be with me right? Wrong. As soon as he got to his destination he called me to let me know he was there and that he'd "email me". What!!! And I said "so as soon as you're fine I'm not needed anymore", but I said it like I was kidding when he said "don't be like that". But I wasn't kidding. He had no more use for me so after that it was the odd text here and there until I finally told him I was done with getting his crumbs. I did sooo much for him...I talked him down, referred books to him, even drove him to the bus and waited for him to get on (wow typical WWLTM behaviour) and in 60 seconds he pretty well forgot I was alive. And this is the story of my life. And it hurts. I could cry for a month straight for the way I was treated by him and so many others. It is so hard to get over the hurt. Half the time I feel so unworthy because it seems like everyone wants me FOR something, not for me. Being used is NOT fun. How do I get over all this pain and move on? Because I know I have to heal this pain in order to do so.
Replies
I have been through the same thing. Lots of guys who were only nice long enough to get what they wanted. I was triggered this week as well. I saw one of these guys the other night and it triggered all the memories of how he and the others treated me and I ended up in tears the following morning and completely depressed. The past 2 days I\'ve been really needy and trying to get attn from men. I hate getting triggered. Hope you feel better soon.
Yep, me too, been though same thing too. I think you were very brave to face up to your pain and to journal today, even though you didn\'t intend to initially. I hope that you gain some clarification.
The other day, you told me that you were \'up and down\'. It seems that this is what it\'s like for us who are trying to recover from hurts. It\'s no fun being triggered! I\'m wondering if it would help you to try to link this hurt with childhood stuff - work backwards. It has helped me to understand that my pain relates to trying to recreate aspects of childhood in my current relationships. I have subconciously tried to find someone just like my parents and make them love me in order to destroy a very deep belief that I was the problem when I was a child. (my parents are narcs). For me, it has also helped to do the exercise that SP talked about - focusing on objects around you and mentally naming them, to bring you back to now.
I totally understand where you are coming from with feeling unworthy because it seems like people want you for something rather than for you. I feel that way too quite often. I don\'t know if this applies to you, but in my case, I have become aware that I hide myself behind my willingness/ability to help people. Therefore, at times when I don\'t hide, when I have my own needs, it does not feel good to be required to be a function in someone\'s life, when I want to be a \'self\' and be supported. I\'m learning to voice my needs, but it\'s not easy, as subconsciously, I still fear rejection, ridicule, anger, etc, etc, all the stuff that made me feel unworthy and unlovable as a child.
I really hope that you find a way to work through this so that you are not in pain. I really believe that as we work through our issues we grow as people. You are a worthy person. You deserve to be happy. Be kind to yourself today xx
Hi sweet girl, so sorry you are having a bad day :( , that is no fun. I am also ashamed to be weak and ashamed to ask for help. I think it is part of our pathology. One of the things my therapist has worked with me is: I can ask for help without putting out. In my family of origin showing vulnerability was not allowed (or you got MORE hurt) and if you asked for something on one hand, you were going to pay for it.
So I am glad that you broke a pattern by posting how you are feeling. In one way it is scary, you are exposing your throat to the wolves, but in another way enpowering because here you are getting help and encouragement from your support group.
I think that both of us, within the last couple of weeks, have clicked with the fact that we picked Narc partners because they matched the energy patterns of our Narc mothers. What do Narcs do best? They suck your energy dry (energy vampires) then discard you when they are done. I am arrived, thanks for support, but I no longer need you, therefore you no longer exist until I need you again. THANKS!!!
A relationship with a Narc is a one way street. There is nothing in their script about meeting someone elses needs.
Something Pageo wrote me (anything that means a lot of me, I post on a Word document for easy reference):
The narcissist doesn\'t give a whit about the feelings motivating your tears---he only sees it as evidence that he\'s Special. It\'s All About Him. Never forget it.
But we are getting there. We are going to change this all around so that we will know we are special and deserve so much more then these crumbs and posting your feelings is a big first step.
I will look forward to seeing a change in mood soon!!!
Thank you sooooo much guys for all your supportive words. They REALLY helped. I haven\'t had a chance to be on here as it was my son\'s birthday weekend and crazy busy but I want you to know I had a chance to read your comments and it helped me through my weekend!!!! Hope everyone is well...
Hi Arat38, little late to read your journal. I was just replying on the friendship thread after you about loser friends. Just like this thread...or should I say user friends...friends who get their needs met and when It is the other persons turn they are gone. They don\'t really care about the other person just getting some one to support them and then the deal is done.
I am thinking about what I learned in council about this. I learned a lot about it. I know that I sometimes still feel sad because of this factor but I also feel OK and do not offer up as much of my energies as I used to. I got the cut off from two GF\'s this past year and I stepped away from another person. Over all I tend to think we live in a narcissistic culture and that explains a lot of this ... a lot of what I am no longer negotiating or accepting. I now spend most of my time on week ends by myself. All OK or good friends do not live in my city. That is what it has come down to right now. Often I find myself going through feelings of rejection and not fitting in but really unless I meet people who desire a friendship then there really isn\'t anything but acquaintances...I have plenty of those. I go into conversation w/ people and don\'t mind talking about intense stuff but when it is my intense stuff I can pretty much forget the connection ... I some how am supposed to be the friggin guru for thier use only. To hell with that.
OK, so here i am cussing in your journal. I think the answer to the sadness is to think well of yourself and just stop being the helper monkey. I am focusing on doing the same. Nor will i cater to people who have control issues. Well, that all wraps up about 95% of the population.
arats38, I\'m glad you posted. Sometimes just to put in words what you are feeling is huge. A few days or weeks from now, you will look back on this and be able to see the progress you\'re making. You may find that by committing your words in a journal that you will also find ways to make those necessary changes. It is difficult and like the others have said here, we all tend to get in this dance with others where our needs are not being met; only their needs. I believe awareness is half the battle. We\'ve all been made aware of our own behaviors as the echoes and such. Now that we know - it will be up to all of us to make those changes. Bottom line, it is still difficult finding those people who can or will reciprocate friendships. We live in a 24/7 lifestyle constantly on the go, go, go making it so much harder to establish good friendships. It\'s not that those friendships aren\'t out there, but finding one to meet your friendship needs as well will take time. We all only have a handful of truly good friends. As life would have it, people also come and go all along the way. What we do know though - is that we\'ve all made excellent echoes and we no longer want that. Surround yourself with good people and that may take a lot of time making that happen. I do believe like pageo said that 95% of the population has control issues. No more helper monkeys!!!! :):)
BTW - I realize that it has been a few weeks since you posted this. How are you doing now? I would love to hear your feedback.
Pageo I totally relate to you and lack of good friendships. I too have felt isolated and like I am some alien on this planet. I didn\'t know it was so hard to meet someone who is just generally a good person. Through my journey here and learning about narcissim I have discovered my mother was a N, most of my romantic relationships and even my friends. I am definitely the doormat type because I feel bad for people and always want to help plus I have neverending comulsion to please others and get them to like me. I guess this site has helped me understand what a healthy relationship looks like and I was definitely not in any. I have a handful of people I can count on which makes me feel very alone sometimes but I will NOT settle anymore for the crumbs ... from anyone. It is disappointing to realize that someone you thought would be a great person just wants something from you and has nothing to give in return. This site has also helped me realize there ARE supportive, good, caring people in the world and even if it takes a little longer to find a good friend I would rather be a bit lonely sometimes than incur further damage to myself by being with someone who always takes. No more helper monkey!!!
I am doing much better AdultDau. From reading great books and all the support and information from this site I am starting to piece myself back together again. I have a lot further to travel but I am already thinking in more positive terms about myself and what I will and will not accept in my relationships. I think this is a great start.
Thank you all for your words...I always appreciate them!