Ashamed to Be Weak

I was hurting a bit today.  Something that happened triggered my emotions and I was in tears.  I wasn't going to write on here.  I was just gonna shut down and go back when I felt better and then I told myself that was something I had to change.  Going into shut down mode when this is the time I need some support or to deal with my feelings. The thing is I hate being weak.  I hate letting anyone see me cry because it makes me feel ashamed and I'm not exactly sure why.  I guess I feel like it means I'm weak and vulnerable and I don't want people to see me like that.  I want to be confident and in control.   I guess something that happened today opened the floodgates and it reminded me of when the particular guy I was dating (it doesn't really matter who because they were pretty much all the same) was all sweet to me just to get what he wanted and after I provided that he just turned his back on me.  For instance the last guy I was dating was starting to have panic attacks.  Well I've dealt with anxiety so I was helping him out with it.  I even came from work on my lunch hour to calm him down.  Every time he needed me I was there.  Then he had to take a long bus ride to visit his family and all the way down there he texted or phoned me every couple of hours becuase he was worried about panicking on the bus.  I gladly provided the help.  I mean after all if he saw how supportive I was he would definitely want to be with me right?  Wrong.  As soon as he got to his destination he called me to let me know he was there and that he'd "email me".  What!!!  And I said "so as soon as you're fine I'm not needed anymore", but I said it like I was kidding when he said "don't be like that".  But I wasn't kidding.  He had no more use for me so after that it was the odd text here and there until I finally told him I was done with getting his crumbs.  I did sooo much for him...I talked him down, referred books to him, even drove him to the bus and waited for him to get on (wow typical WWLTM behaviour) and in 60 seconds he pretty well forgot I was alive.  And this is the story of my life.  And it hurts. I could cry for a month straight for the way I was treated by him and so many others.  It is so hard to get over the hurt.  Half the time I feel so unworthy because it seems like everyone wants me FOR something, not for me. Being used is NOT fun.  How do I get over all this pain and move on?  Because I know I have to heal this pain in order to do so.