as you get older. life can become more complex

plus your sense of relationships grows and expands as you need to negotiate and navigate

life in its full and dimensional form.. You focus more on practical things and pragmatic things - you like different things

at different times in your life. When I was young I was ready for adventure and discovery and all things beautiful.

I wasn't so prepped for survival back then. I wish I had a better head on my shoulder back

then. I was however so unable to self reference and cope with the variability with in me

for a reliable performance on my studies at the end of college and my pursuits. I was a good student though and an award winning

artist but I also developed my illness in college.

I found myself thinking about what I like here at the monastery today. I thought about how it kind

of enticed me with the promise of unconditional love and somehow a perfecting of life (which is weird.)

But it was a purity of life, and of essential relationships whose mystery drew me in. Not so smart on my part.

But it has served it's purpose. I am getting older now - I can't be vain or fancy free as I once was.

My personal appearance is not so much about beauty now - but it's more a reflection of survival, of time

and effort dealing with schizoaffective disorder, of taking care of life. I feel myself, though I am not always a 100%

about this place, also looking at the alternative of living in a room or apartment somewhere, with Blue

working a part time job and chugging away at taking care of myself as I begin to age.

I think I have landed in a really lucky and fortunate place. It may not be a triumph - perhaps

more of making life work - but it is very good indeed. I feel lucky and safe (though I worry about how many aging nuns

we have and very few younger ones.) I am learning to be myself here and I am contributing! :) A valuable member here.