As the idiot turns...

Yeap idiot...work at NASA but one dump idiot with the heart. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes.  Hopefully, I won't have to post for a while.

I'm a mess today. Like a nervous breakdown...it's stupid. It was 2 months since I saw my ex or even really talked.  I was healing.  But my heart was still an idiot.  She wanted to do dinner and we did (as my last journal entry says).  I should have just...well stopped. But than i went see her Sunday at work...took food, water, candies, cards...we talked some.

Asked her to try again. She said yes or I think but needed time.  She said it's complicated and she has 'obligations'. Apparently, she found someone that she had mutual interest (guess he watched her dogs - 3 and a parrot...which thought I was special that way when I did.). She said she was unhappy...but she is dating...what my stupid heart believes.

I should focus on she said we would try even if we have fears. I said I would feel better if she said she was mine.  She laughed and said she was. And we did share a tiny kiss (She was working). Also texted me that one card made her tear up. Told her I would text her good morning and good night. She said good night sweetheart with a kiss emotican I guess I just feel the distance..ugh....no I miss or love you etc.

But all I can think of is mutual and feel distance.  I'm here to not push her. But am I supposed to wait a day, week, month..years.  As we can tell no patience.  I should focus on hope...because Friday she kept saying she would be around.  Sunday she said try again.  But I'm too insecure with her and reading to much in.

So I can jump out of plane but not handle a relationship lol. Alyssa (25 yr old daughter is an issue) is still an issue and I know Natasha has fears..same as me. Alyssa can't handle life....it sucks. For me, this heartache sucks and my head can't figure out why. I have girls that like me..4 dates - yes could of had 4 more. I've read tons of crap and yet it doesn't sink in....Most of my friends would not approve of us getting back together. Guess we do stupid crap. 

Hoping writing it out some will help.  Just need to focus on the moment.  Head doctor tomorrow again.  

They aren't kidding when they say love is like a drug and addiction.  I know it's all body chemicals but that doesn't make it any easier.  I think the pain of the root canal..father's death anniversay (3 years) and this are all just a big whammy.