Art and Safety
I am an unfortunate perfectionist. Not a perfectionist, but a always-show-my-best-self-to-the-world-ist. That means sticking with what I know. If I try something new and fail, I feel intense shame and stress. Even if that failure isn't objectively bad, I'd feel these things simply because I'm not showing my best self.
I just tried something new, and it didn't live up to my expectations. Additionally, it's going to be the cover of a group art collaboration. The fact that I didn't show my best self AND that it's getting a lot of exposure... is making my brain go haywire. I'm fighting those thoughts and started getting dizzy.
I chose to try something new... I knew that I could have stayed with what I knew, black and white ink illustrations, but I wanted to try more watercolors. I feel this obligation, this NEED, to make things look nice, and perfect, and just like the picture, just like my expectations. I knew I could have stayed with what I knew, but I chose to try anyway, because I thought I could go one step at a time, simple.
I deviated from my color mockup, then I felt so, so lost. I'm looking at my nearly finished piece now and my motivation to work on it's gone... this shame, this self punishment, this agonizing seriousness, I want it to go away. My main priority right now is to not feel those things. Because I know if I do, I'll be afraid to experiment again, I'll be afraid to learn anything unless I feel safe.
Art isn't SAFE. Being an artist isn't SAFE. It's not a secure way to live, it's not logical, it's everything and nothing at the same time. Safety in art is like irony, a joke within itself. There is no safety.
I have to fail to get better... it's just luck that I failed in a more visible way this time. Next time will be better. For now I'll try digitally touching it up.
Replies
So so so true! I tried something new recently - I won't say I failed just yet, but it's a left turn from where I was headed..I spent hours correcting/modifying and adjusting. I finally put it down, and quit. After2 days of not working on it, I have a fresher mindset. Mine is just a gift, whereas yours is a project involving other ppl, so I understand u may feel more pressure, but I am a perfectionist as well and it doesn't matter to me if no one sees it or a hundred ppl see it, I answer to myself- and even though the voice in my head said no one will even know u quit, right, I will. And it will sit there imperfect and unfinished until I do something about it. And so we must answer to that annoying voice inside that pushes is on, even though it's our worst critic, it's also the source of our greatest inspirations...