ARGGGHHHHH
I'm doing my best not to go down that self pity road lately. A few major things happened in our relationship, and milestones are to come
1st) I realized that yesterday we did what I never wanted my children to see...what my parents did was to fight in front of them. I always tried to wait till they were sleeping to talk to H. It was me talking loud, not necessarily yelling at him. I did swear once or twice. I didn't call him any names. Didn't put him down. Those were what my parents did (who are still together btw)
2) He has said to me in the past that he doesn't know how to talk to me "like that". When I get into my hate/anger mode with him. I've been trying real hard to control my anger because of that
3) He said yesterday that he doesn't know how to talk to me (in general), doesn't know how to approach me.
4) End of this month marks the 6 month anniversary of this big blow out discovery. That means that he is going to assess where he's at in recovery to "allow" himself online again. He an abstinence vow from using the computer for 6 months....6 months is the longest he's been porn free.
5) H came home from therapy yesterday and said that his therapist said since he's doing so well in recovery that H is going to start going biweekly. WTF???
6)He doesn't know, but this means we have 6 more months for me to assess were we are. I know we can't make any rash major decisions for the first year.
Where is all this coming? He told me a couple weeks ago how there might be plans to stop the SA group meetings till september as ppl are busy with summer. Never heard anything since until yesterday when he came home from his therapy session and said (out of the blue) he's going to that evenings meeting. I was under the assumption that we'd spend rest of the evening together as I was off from work (work 2nd shift).
when he came home...he unexpectedly triggered me into anger mode. I asked him how the meeting went. Got the typical "ok" response. Nothing else. Asked him if everybody was there. He said "I guess" well, except one (and said how he's labeled). That automatically made me think he didn't go. I asked him if I can verify with his therapist that he was there, and he being surprised said yes. I'm not going to. I told him I have to relearn how to trust his answers.
I then stated how he kept me in the dark about this, and how it seemed to me. He mentioned the other night about us setting aside 1 hour a week to just talk about our recoveries and feelings. There's been NO communication about that. I try, and get shut down. He doesn't even ask how my therapy sessions are going, about my online journals, nada. Although I try with him, in a friendly manner. I then drop it. Until yesterday.
Now, all of a sudden he's been doing well in recovery. How would I know that?
I don't think I'm ready for him to go online. Im afraid that's just going to set me off into snooping mode...which I hate.
we don't have the means to go to couples therapy together. No babysitters, although my therapist does have a child playroom, but when I tried that once, it didn't work...at all....
his therapist is calling mine. I don't know why. I assume to see how I'm doing in my recovery. My next appt isn't till end of the month due to our schedules and finances. I think I need to go in soon.
So, since he says he doesn't know how to approach me, how to talk to me, I'm shutting him off. I found myself thinking last night while he was sleeping (how well they sleep too) that I'm good enough to be a sex vessel, good enough to be a maid, caretaker, caregiver, taxi service, gopher, financial supporter, accountant, etc....but not good enough to be his friend.
I am just mad.
1st) I realized that yesterday we did what I never wanted my children to see...what my parents did was to fight in front of them. I always tried to wait till they were sleeping to talk to H. It was me talking loud, not necessarily yelling at him. I did swear once or twice. I didn't call him any names. Didn't put him down. Those were what my parents did (who are still together btw)
2) He has said to me in the past that he doesn't know how to talk to me "like that". When I get into my hate/anger mode with him. I've been trying real hard to control my anger because of that
3) He said yesterday that he doesn't know how to talk to me (in general), doesn't know how to approach me.
4) End of this month marks the 6 month anniversary of this big blow out discovery. That means that he is going to assess where he's at in recovery to "allow" himself online again. He an abstinence vow from using the computer for 6 months....6 months is the longest he's been porn free.
5) H came home from therapy yesterday and said that his therapist said since he's doing so well in recovery that H is going to start going biweekly. WTF???
6)He doesn't know, but this means we have 6 more months for me to assess were we are. I know we can't make any rash major decisions for the first year.
Where is all this coming? He told me a couple weeks ago how there might be plans to stop the SA group meetings till september as ppl are busy with summer. Never heard anything since until yesterday when he came home from his therapy session and said (out of the blue) he's going to that evenings meeting. I was under the assumption that we'd spend rest of the evening together as I was off from work (work 2nd shift).
when he came home...he unexpectedly triggered me into anger mode. I asked him how the meeting went. Got the typical "ok" response. Nothing else. Asked him if everybody was there. He said "I guess" well, except one (and said how he's labeled). That automatically made me think he didn't go. I asked him if I can verify with his therapist that he was there, and he being surprised said yes. I'm not going to. I told him I have to relearn how to trust his answers.
I then stated how he kept me in the dark about this, and how it seemed to me. He mentioned the other night about us setting aside 1 hour a week to just talk about our recoveries and feelings. There's been NO communication about that. I try, and get shut down. He doesn't even ask how my therapy sessions are going, about my online journals, nada. Although I try with him, in a friendly manner. I then drop it. Until yesterday.
Now, all of a sudden he's been doing well in recovery. How would I know that?
I don't think I'm ready for him to go online. Im afraid that's just going to set me off into snooping mode...which I hate.
we don't have the means to go to couples therapy together. No babysitters, although my therapist does have a child playroom, but when I tried that once, it didn't work...at all....
his therapist is calling mine. I don't know why. I assume to see how I'm doing in my recovery. My next appt isn't till end of the month due to our schedules and finances. I think I need to go in soon.
So, since he says he doesn't know how to approach me, how to talk to me, I'm shutting him off. I found myself thinking last night while he was sleeping (how well they sleep too) that I'm good enough to be a sex vessel, good enough to be a maid, caretaker, caregiver, taxi service, gopher, financial supporter, accountant, etc....but not good enough to be his friend.
I am just mad.
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