areas that are challenging for me

I had some good insights this morning, which I will write about,

but first, then I came back to my room after morning liturgy, morning meal and morning chores.

I made some tea here in the rectory kitchen,then laid on my bed and found myself 'insatiably tired' - as is prone to happen

to me a lot - It's like I can't slow down enough to feel refreshed or relaxed. It seems I keep tabs on my feelings with such scrutiny, probably because I’ve needed to explain myself and manage so much because of illness and yet also I haven’t understood my agency or my beliefs until now.

So I drank my tea and waited it (the mood) out and finally rebounded. It's kind of

habitual thing that a bad mood presents and heals after a rebound at some point

in the future. Anyway, I felt trapped initially by

this insatiability and perceived it as a kind of laziness  - and yet I know I'm not lazy  - but

the hurdle for getting going - and making movement to start

on projects just necessitates some motivation - like a mental self talk kick in the pants -

I realized at least I believe, that I was looking for a perfect state, emotionally

and energy, maybe to transition ? I get so caught up in the perfect picture

at times - that today I am just realizing is one of my challenging areas. 

The perfect start - really is illusory and perhaps this sounds a little childish and spoiled -

all the talking about perfect starts and perfecting - it just is at times

an unconscious mental process that happens to me, until I notice that is what it is. I also think these thoughts also are a replacement for the loneliness i feel.

So here's what I realized today. The monastic services really help me

think about life issues, as well my mental health and as well my relationship to this work as a priest.

I was tired but motivated when services started today at 7am. Still groggy from my meds.

I got to church at 550am - set things up - and then started services - at 7.

Things were good. Being in the religious environment had me

questioning things on a basic experience level. In part,  my spirituality is starting to become expressed within me. As I was in service questioning my experience I thought about

how at times when I am around others or by myself - I experience

anger (perhaps stress induced and just social anxiety energy) - I thought about how one of the elders

wrote about that.. he called it "the enemy within" (it's the title of his book but I haven't

read it)..and that association in it's core illustration -  it made me pick apart that experience as services went

along. I know I've tried to discuss commonality here -in my pursuit of mental health -  but today that commonality

took me to the topic of how religion discourses on the universalities that exist in all

people. It was really a light bulb moment for me in terms of how I thought about this

religion. It's like a window opened for me in my mind. 

I thought about universalities - within each of us - and that freed me up

to relax with the process of serving - it made me feel a part of the human race.

Yet also I started to think about plurality - and how there are things that are

unique to each of us - and we shouldn't be made to be something we're not because

that makes people sick - but we are each with certain kinds of abilities and sensibilities...But I thought

about and focused on the fact that with this religion helped me think about

what are some agreed terms that folks believe in each other...much like living in a philosophy

again came to mind. That's what this religion appeared and manifested in my mind today.

I thought about how this whole aspect to understanding and questioning humanity

helps me understand and decide what kind of human behavior we accept and reject. 

It's just food for thought. I don't know why I feel so compelled to write this stuff.

I guess this too - is something that is just akin to me - what I like to talk about

and think about - and manifest. :) I know when looking at the icon of christ today

and really dove into his eyes as part of experiencing what feelings he professed

in the spirit of agreeing to love - it made me wonder again what I tolerate and what I don't

feel comfortable with - but it also took me away from a vantage of the ability for looking beyond my own need.

I just felt suddenly very caught up in my own neediness to connect in a 'just so' kind of way

which now- that I am back in my room and writing about it - I am coming back into touch 

with my humanism. And so I am seeing a bigger picture but a well rounded one :) I know my spirituality but my humanism also plays as an overarching umbrella and empathy.