April 8, 2018

I see it's been a month since I wrote a journal. It's been a crazy month.

Good news, biopsies from my cervix came back benign, just have to repeat Pap smear in 6 months. More good news, the radiologist decided the spots were nothing to worry about, also have to repeat mammogram in 6 months. So there's that.

In other news...a friend of mine lost her 23 year old son to suicide 3 weeks ago. It was unexpected, but he was separated from his wife, and a break-up often precedes a suicide. I spent a lot of time with her, promised I would be there for her. It became quite challenging as I was the only person she would reach out to, but I was there, even by phone if not in person.

A friend of Cassi's, Jackie, who lives in Pensacola is in nursing school and works a full time job, so she hasn't had a whole day off in months, but all of a sudden she checked her schedule and had 2 days free, and asked me to come spend a day with her. She's a little sweetheart...she calls me Mama Gina, and has kept in touch more than any of Cassi's other friends. We spent the day at the mall, and while we were eating she began telling me someone had upset her so badly...I think she wanted me to comfort her and didn't think about the effect it would have on me. Someone she knows told her that the day "it" happened, Cassi's neighbor directly behind her took pictures and posted them on facebook. I went ice cold. I let her chatter on about how hurt she was she had not been told sooner...I kind of shut her out. I realised I was 2 hours from home, and my husband, and I simply could not deal with this information. I just let her talk. I didn't ask a single question. I forced myself to put it in a box and push it to the back of my mind. I was not safe. So, the next day, my mind started racing like a reel to reel...what if it wasn't sudden? Why didn't this person call 911? What if Cassi immediately regretted it (I have always had the feeling she did) and was laying there, needing help? What if Cassi saw this person taking pictures? What if she could have been saved? Loop to loop, reel to reel, I couldn't stop obsessing. I decided to give myself a week before I decided what to do, if anything. I could have made a phone call and found out who did it, but I didn't trust myself. So I decided I would take a week to process, hopefully calm down, then decide. In the mean time, I spoke to my friend Sharon about it. Sharon is the smartest, kindest most gentle person I know. She has never spoken harshly to me...but she did this time. Maybe to get my attention, she told me I was absolutely not going to pursue it, there was only more pain waiting for me and that was that. Strangely I felt relieved...when she talked to me I knew she was right. But it was such a intolerable position to be in, it wasn't the time to coddle me, and she knew it. She ordered me to back down, and I knew she was right.

Shortly afterwards, I had traveled to Mobile to help my sister for a few days. We had taken Jack to karate and were sitting in the little room where we could watch him through a glass paned wall. Lori was on her phone and tapped me on my knee and held her phone out to me. She was on Facebook, and Lucas French, Cassi's best friend had posted, "My brother Jamie passed away this morning. Please keep my family in your prayers." NO NO NO...I made it outside and started making phone calls and found a corner to crumple down in and cry. I worked with Jamie for several years as well as their mother, Nellie Jean. They were also our neighbors, before... Nellie worried about Cassi, would come to my house and talk to me. Lucas kept her filled in, and in those early days I couldn't talk about it to many people. She's a really nice person, and an excellant mother. Cassi and Lucas spent half of their downtime at his house and half at hours. Nellie is the typical nurturing southern mama...she cooked for them, traditional southern meals I still depended on my mother for. Cassi adored her. At my house, it was a free for all...they had fun and pretty much got away with whatever they wanted. I wanted to be a fun, cool mom.

So the beginning of the year some things had happened that led Jamie to the emergency room. It was discovered he had an extremely large brain tumor. His only shot was to have it removed, but the surgery would be so invasive and dangerous they didn't know if he would survive. His surgeon had to dig 6 inches into his brain to remove the entire tumor. As they weren't sure he'd even survive, they didn't know what to expect if he woke up...but he did, and was talking, they were amazed. He improved, and improved, and was transferred to a rehab facility in Destin. He had a lot to overcome, he had to learn to walk. Again he made speedy progress. So I was in Mobile and the last I had heard he was going to be released the following Monday. It was a Wednesday...a small blood clot formed and made it's way to his heart, and he was gone. I had a major meltdown, but I had to get to Nellie Jean. I spoke to her on the phone, she was as to be expected. I couldn't seem to calm down and my sister and husband talked me into staying the night and coming back in the morning. They didn't feel I was in shape to make the drive that night, and then I found out Nellie Jean had gone to bed...so, it made sense. I came home the next morning. Nelly and her family were at the funeral home making arrangements, so I didn't get to see her until that night. She was in pain, but the fog of shock was protecting her from the worst. I told her I'd be there for her.

Thursday, May 29th, my little dog Chloe seemed constipated. She strained all day long with no results. As the sun set she began vomiting and didn't stop until there was absolutely nothing in her tummy, then she kept gagging. My husband had her at the vet when they opened their doors. He came home and told me they were going to sedate her and give her an enema. Later in the morning the vet called my husband. I only heard his side of the conversation, but I was on my knees praying and crying before he hung up. They had done bloodwork and her kidneys were failing. It wasn't safe to sedate her, but they were going to keep her overnight on IV fluids for dehydration. When we brought her home with a bag of medications and a case of prescription dog food, I continued to cry, pray, hold her and research anything and everything I could find. To make a long story short, I began working with a holistic vet by phone, e-mailed him her lab reports, and took her off all of the medication from the vet. It was making her feel worse and wasn't doing any of the things it was intended to do. I lost faith in her vet when I found several discrepancies in what she had been telling me and what was in the reports I got copies of for the holostic vet. Besides the subcutaneous fluids we have to administer every day, I am using alternative treatments rather than traditional ones. She went from being nearly comatose, just lying there on her pillow, to nearly back to her old self, running, jumping, playing. I have to take her back this week to get another blood panel run to see where we are and to buy more bags of fluid. 

I got Chloe in 2009, when Cassi was moving away to college. I needed a baby girl, and she has been that for me ever since. The thought of losing her was devastating for both of us. That day, when we found out and she had to spend the night, my husband cried and drank beer until he passed out. I cried and began my education on canine kidney disease and failure. I returned the horrible food we had bought that she wouldn't touch, and I began making home cooked meals from recipes I found for dogs in renal failure. Supplements started being delivered...she is a very different little girl. I don't know how long I will have her, but I want to make the most of every moment we have left...and I won't be torturing her with treatments she hates that don't work anyway. 

With Chloe being so sick, and working so hard to save her, I have not bee there for either of my friends like I said I would. I can't really explain to them that I have to keep Chloe going...I just have to. They both just lost a child. But Chloe is like a child to me. I was terrified to leave her side those first few days...when the time comes I want to be holding her, so she knows I love her and maybe she won't be scared. She settles for Daddy when I am gone, but I'm her Mommy. She wants to be with me. Today was the first day I have felt comfortable leaving home, but I kept abreast of her condition via text the whole time. I went to visit my aunt who had surgery and has been in the hospital for 7 days. Today was the first time I went, but she understood and was just happy to see me.

As for Miss Chloe Isabella Churchwell, she is lying by my side right now, softly snoring. She's not in pain and she's happy. She's my little warrior princess and we are going to fight this together. I will enjoy every moment I have with her and stay present...not worry about the future. I will do anything I can to give her as long of a future as possible, but I will enjoy what we have, here and now.

Oh dear, it's after midnight. I have to go to bed!!!

Have a great week everyone. Remember smiley face Monday!

Gina