April

I feel like it's hard to tap into the spark and love I had for drawing. After a long day of working successfully on college stuff, I thought I'd spend the hours before bed drawing to relax, but I see the sketch I have to think and just vaguely feel like it's nice in a detached way. I don't feel very excited to ink it, let alone color it. I'm doing one page a week right now, a very manageable pace, yet I feel so unenthused and tired. 

It could have to do with the general depression that has been hanging over me the past coupel days. Most days the thing I struggle most against is myself - my own feelings of failure and lack of motivation, my frustration and resignation with myself. And when I try to fight it - like now, deciding to draw instead of mindlessly playing games or something, I feel frustrated too. I'm trying but it's so hard to feel proud of myself. I'm so nitpicky. 

I'm less nitpicky about myself than I was first quarter, which was a giant mess of constant anxiety and complete inability to relax or take care of myself properly. Now I force myself to have time to rest, and excercise, and draw. But I still feel anxious, and it's weird, I question if it's any better. It's always like this. When things get better, it's hard for me to realize that it's actually better. I can't recall the feelings I had in the past, and as a result I don't have a good frame of reference for my feelings in every moment. 

I crave attention and appreciation. Lately I have been feeling very strongly about growing my online presence in social media. I wantmy work to get more attention, but I'm worrying too much about my style, my "schtick", what attracts people to me, and how much time I'm willing to spend and how much I can commit to something like that. I know that I want to write stories and share content with the world - and I have ideas - but I struggle with the face value reality of the anxiety and burnout, and even the art block that that tends to cause.