april 19th, tuesday

another day.

hello world, how are ya?

fighting my own battle with loneliness, illness and laziness.  trying to make friends by remaining disciplined......goal oriented.  to continue even when i so don't wanna......to knock the T off the word CAN'T and find my way into The Land of Can.

Can is where I try......where I push to do the little things that keep my world operational.  Washing things, tidying up, trash gone....bills in good order.  A land of little projects like seeds germinating, delicate irises transplanted.......using that wonky bendy mechanism in my spne to use those muscles and limbs so they don't quit.  On me, on life.......on trying.

this fighting thing is a gentle battle.  a quiet silent task.......that i believe keeps me sane.  or a bit saner anyway in a world of illness that i can't control.  twenty years of illness.  two decades.  truth? believing that i made it down the road this far, that it didn't kill me......there were a few years when i literally believed i would be a statistic, long gone, under the ground and certainly never see these last ten plus birthdays.  too moroses?  call it taking stock.  a mind that needs to lay it out in front of me like a landing strip.  i need to see the lights, know the weather conditions........talk to the tower......make sure that all is well.  as well as can be with all the vairables  we carry on this illness journey.

it's hard.  no reason to sugarcoat.....it's hard like a diamond.  indestructible, yet leaves a path of destruction.  robs us of plans, future memories, wishes, dreams........desires......the simplest wants.  the things just beyond......those little ideas that form during our  lives.  ......people call it a bucket list.  i call it unfair.  i always wanted to hang glide.  did you know that?  i used to dream of it......to be brave enough to push off from that cliff.  the cliff causing such fear that my heart would race and i would feel dizzy just being so close.......but there would come a day where i would push off........give way to all that holds me back and let me fly........soar off that cliff......into the wind, the clouds.......to feel the utter delight of flight.  to be a bird...........soaring, ever soaring on the currents above terra firma.

i never quite worked out the landing bit.....maybe i could hire a stunt double? 

but today instead of hang gliding i ate breakfast.  a slice of quiche, a tiny bit of strawberry banana yogurt, a little stack of celery, two glasses of liquid refreshment.......put the laundry into the washer, the dirty dishes got hand washed......i was halfway through washing them when i realized my dishwasher was empty.....i coulda just stuck 'em in there.  duh.......silly silly girl.

the sun is hiding for a few.......it's an amazing 71 degrees outside in Atlanta today.  and me?  i'm going back to bed in a moment.  be kind to yourself.  be kind to your life and your goals.......from the smallest to the tallest.  be kind.  love, ruthie