April
April is always a difficult month for me, today especially. Six years ago today was my car accident. This day is always hard. For the past six years I have spent this day crying and always want to be left alone. I always feel the pain and sorrow of what I did. It really hits me, full force like a giant gust of wind stealing my breath. I dont know what to say But I thought I should write...
Today I am going to work, this week has been hard and the patients must feel the tension because it feels like everyone is agitated. Last night I worked 3 to 11 and it was a rat race. I am afraid to go anywhere, I dont want to talk to anyone, honestly so far today I haven't udder ed ore than a few words. I am stuck in my head today. Replaying all my sadness, and reminding myself that this is real. I dont care what other people think, I cant help but feel this pain on this day. I look back to what happened and it still makes me cringe. I hate what I have done and who I was that day. I am living with this huge regret but today it feels as if it is branded across my forehead. I feel the grieving process coursing through my veins and the memories shooting around in my brain. I feel sick and I just want to call off work, but I won't I can't. I need to continue living my life, continue on like this day is any other day. BUT ITS NOT. and it never will be for me. I think it will always be hard. These 24 hours are the hardest to get through in one piece. It reminds me of my grandmother who has passed, she used to "be sick" every year on the day my grandfather passed, his birthday and their wedding anniversary. I know along with everyone else that she wasn't physically ill, she remembered what day it was and couldn't bare to face those days without him. I feel like that, I can't bare to face this day knowing that hes not here anymore and I am the reason why. It is the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever had. It is the saddest most unhappy thing ever. I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. It is just so difficult, I just want to curl up and cry myself back to sleep until tomorrow or even sunday for that matter. I need the rest and I need the relief but that isnt going to happen. Today I am working 3 to 11 again, I hope the time goes quick. I hope I get through the rest of the day without yelling at anyone, or crying my eyes out. I just want to, idk if it will happen or not but im sure gonna try.
To end this entry I want to say That I will never forget, I will never stop feeling and I will always do my best to honor your life that I took. I am a changed person, I am a 23 year old girl now trying so hard to do good in this world, I now truly understand the gravity of my actions and the repercussions of what I did, I didn't know it then but I do now. I feel it through every inch of my body, I hope you know how truly sorry I am, and how much I am trying to make amends to you, mister.
Today I am going to work, this week has been hard and the patients must feel the tension because it feels like everyone is agitated. Last night I worked 3 to 11 and it was a rat race. I am afraid to go anywhere, I dont want to talk to anyone, honestly so far today I haven't udder ed ore than a few words. I am stuck in my head today. Replaying all my sadness, and reminding myself that this is real. I dont care what other people think, I cant help but feel this pain on this day. I look back to what happened and it still makes me cringe. I hate what I have done and who I was that day. I am living with this huge regret but today it feels as if it is branded across my forehead. I feel the grieving process coursing through my veins and the memories shooting around in my brain. I feel sick and I just want to call off work, but I won't I can't. I need to continue living my life, continue on like this day is any other day. BUT ITS NOT. and it never will be for me. I think it will always be hard. These 24 hours are the hardest to get through in one piece. It reminds me of my grandmother who has passed, she used to "be sick" every year on the day my grandfather passed, his birthday and their wedding anniversary. I know along with everyone else that she wasn't physically ill, she remembered what day it was and couldn't bare to face those days without him. I feel like that, I can't bare to face this day knowing that hes not here anymore and I am the reason why. It is the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever had. It is the saddest most unhappy thing ever. I wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone. It is just so difficult, I just want to curl up and cry myself back to sleep until tomorrow or even sunday for that matter. I need the rest and I need the relief but that isnt going to happen. Today I am working 3 to 11 again, I hope the time goes quick. I hope I get through the rest of the day without yelling at anyone, or crying my eyes out. I just want to, idk if it will happen or not but im sure gonna try.
To end this entry I want to say That I will never forget, I will never stop feeling and I will always do my best to honor your life that I took. I am a changed person, I am a 23 year old girl now trying so hard to do good in this world, I now truly understand the gravity of my actions and the repercussions of what I did, I didn't know it then but I do now. I feel it through every inch of my body, I hope you know how truly sorry I am, and how much I am trying to make amends to you, mister.
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