Anxious as can be
It's 7:05 a.m. I've been awake since 4:30. I wake up & realize I'm still here & my mind and body so don't want to be. I took a half Xanax at 4:30 in hopes of going back to sleep. No good.
He's been great the past 2 days. He's been kind, funny and thoughtful. He's given me my space. I should be glad of this. But experience tells me it won't last. I'm dreading & waiting for the next night of drunkenness.
I'm 19 days post spinal surgery. I'm recovering well. I didn't tell him, but I went over to my daughter's house where she & the grandson are sick. I didn't tell him because among other things, he is a germophobe & would be angry that I was taking a chance on bringing the crud over here.
I feel like crap this morning. Sore throat & upset stomach. Did I get the crud that fast? Or is it just my reaction to living where I don't want to be? I just want this day to be over. Already, at 7:00 in the morning, I want this day to be over. What a way to live.
I know I am spinning in my mind. Running over all the things that could happen. All the obstacles to freedom. All the unkind things he might say. All the opinions of others. All the details of where I can go, how I can tell him, how I can make a living. If I can be strong enough to go & to stay away.
Again: I can do this. Again, it will be awful. He will be hurt, angry, mean & nasty. I may not have an ideal place to live or enough money, but I can do this. I just need to get stronger. Please God, help me get stronger.
He is not a bad man, just a very broken man. I cannot fix his brokenness. I will become only one more person who has abandoned him. This should not matter to me, but it does.
God grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change the things I can.
He's been great the past 2 days. He's been kind, funny and thoughtful. He's given me my space. I should be glad of this. But experience tells me it won't last. I'm dreading & waiting for the next night of drunkenness.
I'm 19 days post spinal surgery. I'm recovering well. I didn't tell him, but I went over to my daughter's house where she & the grandson are sick. I didn't tell him because among other things, he is a germophobe & would be angry that I was taking a chance on bringing the crud over here.
I feel like crap this morning. Sore throat & upset stomach. Did I get the crud that fast? Or is it just my reaction to living where I don't want to be? I just want this day to be over. Already, at 7:00 in the morning, I want this day to be over. What a way to live.
I know I am spinning in my mind. Running over all the things that could happen. All the obstacles to freedom. All the unkind things he might say. All the opinions of others. All the details of where I can go, how I can tell him, how I can make a living. If I can be strong enough to go & to stay away.
Again: I can do this. Again, it will be awful. He will be hurt, angry, mean & nasty. I may not have an ideal place to live or enough money, but I can do this. I just need to get stronger. Please God, help me get stronger.
He is not a bad man, just a very broken man. I cannot fix his brokenness. I will become only one more person who has abandoned him. This should not matter to me, but it does.
God grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change the things I can.
Replies
What I\'ve learned through this past year is that WE can\'t help those who won\'t help themselves. My ex wasn\'t a drunk, he wasn\'t abusive, he was just not able to commit to marriage, he was a runner and avoided anything in life which was hard. After his leaving so many times in the past few years, I told him I would not ever go after him again, this was in Dec. when I brought him home once again. He left in Jan. of last year. I didn\'t go after him, as hard as it was. Until they figure out what is causing their addictions or their issues, they will never be healthy nor be able to have healthy relationships. A lot of these men are good men, but their issues over take them and they get lost and turn into men we didn\'t fall in love with which leaves us wanting the men we did fall in love with, so there is the cycle, it will continue on and on until we take a stand.
I am so sorry for your situation, it is so hard to give up on the ones we love but sometimes we need to in order to survive ourselves. Hugs and stay safe until you are able to decide what it is you want!