Anxious as can be
It's 7:05 a.m. I've been awake since 4:30. I wake up & realize I'm still here & my mind and body so don't want to be. I took a half Xanax at 4:30 in hopes of going back to sleep. No good.
He's been great the past 2 days. He's been kind, funny and thoughtful. He's given me my space. I should be glad of this. But experience tells me it won't last. I'm dreading & waiting for the next night of drunkenness.
I'm 19 days post spinal surgery. I'm recovering well. I didn't tell him, but I went over to my daughter's house where she & the grandson are sick. I didn't tell him because among other things, he is a germophobe & would be angry that I was taking a chance on bringing the crud over here.
I feel like crap this morning. Sore throat & upset stomach. Did I get the crud that fast? Or is it just my reaction to living where I don't want to be? I just want this day to be over. Already, at 7:00 in the morning, I want this day to be over. What a way to live.
I know I am spinning in my mind. Running over all the things that could happen. All the obstacles to freedom. All the unkind things he might say. All the opinions of others. All the details of where I can go, how I can tell him, how I can make a living. If I can be strong enough to go & to stay away.
Again: I can do this. Again, it will be awful. He will be hurt, angry, mean & nasty. I may not have an ideal place to live or enough money, but I can do this. I just need to get stronger. Please God, help me get stronger.
He is not a bad man, just a very broken man. I cannot fix his brokenness. I will become only one more person who has abandoned him. This should not matter to me, but it does.
God grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change the things I can.
He's been great the past 2 days. He's been kind, funny and thoughtful. He's given me my space. I should be glad of this. But experience tells me it won't last. I'm dreading & waiting for the next night of drunkenness.
I'm 19 days post spinal surgery. I'm recovering well. I didn't tell him, but I went over to my daughter's house where she & the grandson are sick. I didn't tell him because among other things, he is a germophobe & would be angry that I was taking a chance on bringing the crud over here.
I feel like crap this morning. Sore throat & upset stomach. Did I get the crud that fast? Or is it just my reaction to living where I don't want to be? I just want this day to be over. Already, at 7:00 in the morning, I want this day to be over. What a way to live.
I know I am spinning in my mind. Running over all the things that could happen. All the obstacles to freedom. All the unkind things he might say. All the opinions of others. All the details of where I can go, how I can tell him, how I can make a living. If I can be strong enough to go & to stay away.
Again: I can do this. Again, it will be awful. He will be hurt, angry, mean & nasty. I may not have an ideal place to live or enough money, but I can do this. I just need to get stronger. Please God, help me get stronger.
He is not a bad man, just a very broken man. I cannot fix his brokenness. I will become only one more person who has abandoned him. This should not matter to me, but it does.
God grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change the things I can.
Replies
I\'ve spent the last 30 minutes researching trauma bonded. Yup that\'s me. I am addicted to this sick man. I am also sick.i can\'t heal him, but can work on me.
today I will do at least one thing that I want to do. For me. Today, if he gets drunk or abusive, I will remove myself. I can do this much today.
There is a big difference, I think, between being abandoned and being driven away . . . I wish you much strength and courage. Also, is there a hotline you can call? (Because abuse doesn\'t just mean hitting someone.)
i meant, \"between abandoning someone and being driven away\" ;)
Thanks Tokyo, I agree. I somehow seem to need him to explode again in order to go. Don\'t know if this makes sense. Okay, it doesn\'t. His explosions destroy me emotionally. Am I needing a new excuse?
Maybe it\'s more that when he behaves (as he is now), you remember the good times, ergo aren\'t motivated to leave. But living in fear of explosions: you sound like you\'re in a minefield! Has he ever agreed to couples counselling?
He doesn\'t believe in therapy. I bet you could have guessed that one. I used to have hope when there were good days. I would think \"Hey maybe he\'s getting better. This could really work.\" I don\'t think that anymore. I\'m actually more anxious when he is good, because I know what\'s to come. This is the calm before the storm. The more & longer the calm, the bigger the storm.
I\'m playing a mind game with myself now. I\'m building an imaginary brick wall inside my mind. One that will protect me from the storm.
OMG. He just opened his 1st beer. 11:45 a.m. Tonight could be the explosion. Need to add some bricks.
Have you got somewhere to go if/when he does explode? And again, this is no way to live.
Sending you strong-brick-wall vibes!
My aunt lived with a drunk for 18 years, my mother\'s brother. He wasn\'t physically abusive but emotionally, yes. She finally screwed up the courage to leave -- but it took a LOT. She simply didn\'t believe she could. She said, \"I went from my father\'s house to my husband\'s house. I\'ve never lived on my own!\" She was terrified but things finally got so bad that the angst of staying outweighed the terror of leaving, and so she packed up and left. I remember that night -- I was 18 at the time. My mother had picked her up and I remember they sat for a long time in the parked car, talking. I could see my aunt leaning her forehead against her hand -- she was a quivering mess. Then they came in and, eager to get the story, I made them tea. Eventually my mom went to bed. I had a good relationship with my aunt and so stayed up talking to her. I was SO young and full of optimism -- I simply didn\'t know the meaning of the words \"impossible\" or \"can\'t\". Ah, youth. Anyway I stayed up with her and every time she wavered, I said something like, No, you can do this! It\'ll be great! (I mean, I had NO idea! But when you\'re that young...) I think I basically just wore down her defenses and so she ended up spending the night. Then the next night, then the next month. Then she got her own place, her own job and her own life. That was 34 years ago and she hasn\'t looked back since.
Thank you Tokyo. This is no way to live. I have places I can go & have even enough $$ for a few nights at a cheap motel. If he explodes - I\'m going. If I go, God give me strength to stay away.
Keep us posted!
LOL I\'m counting the beers. He just opened the 5th one. It\'s 1:44. He\'s been on the phone with his dad ( the man who physically & sexually abused him & his 3 siblings) for 2 hours. I told him I\'m not feeling well & I will hope for a miracle & that he\'ll leave me alone. Been here, Done this. What a mess!
5:20, beer 9 for him & I definitely have the flu. OMG how soon can this day end.
Yikes! I hope you\'re okay. Keep posting.