Anxious again
Here I am again. Today I actually felt angry. And sad. Why? Well, let's see. Two days ago a man came to our door and stated he was there for my husband's car. I wasn't surprised. I had to wake my CS from a nap and he acted upset initially and either feigned or attempted to cry. Didn't happen. Anyway, I help him get all his things out of the car and moved his car to the street for easy removal. I didn't feel upset about it. I was a little surprised because I thought he had made some form of payments from the money his parents send him every week/month while he's been in school and, of late, still out of work. Either he hadn't paid any money or he didn't pay enough. I don't know which. What pisses me off is that due to his financial irresponsibility, I had to get insurance for our vehicles (and pay for all of it) after he let the insurance lapse--without telling me before this happened that he was having trouble making the payments. I think he was still employed at this time. Well, I had to turn my vehicle's plate in for 30 days and pay a lot of money to get it back. Meanwhile, my dad let me borrow my late grandmother's car (this was October 2014). It was supposed to be only for 30 days. Shortly after I got my license plate back (it took a bit longer to get the money together; i had to take on a 3rd job), my CS was notified he had to turn in his license plate for 30 days as well. I begged, pleaded, nagged, gently reminded, etc him to get the plate off and I would turn it in to the DMV for him. TWO months later, he finally got it off the car (I had tried to do it myself, but one of the bolts would not budge, no matter what I tried). I turned it in and was told we could get it back next day, if we paid > $300 of fines/fees/registration. I didn't have it and he certainly didn't. During this time (roughly from December to present) he has been using my car (the lease is in both our names but I've made all the payments). I guess that's why he wasn't too distraught over losing his car. No more worry about the monthly car payments or etc. So, I'm still using my grandmother's car. I feel terrible about this, even though my dad hasn't said anything about it. When they came to repo his car, I remembered he's been making comments about how my car is actually his because his name's on it. I also remember telling him on more than one occasion that I've made all the payments but he can have it if he wants to make the monthly payments (he couldn't, of course. Since he hasn't been working). He would always joke it off and say, "I'm just kidding." Now, looking back, I don't think he was. I think he may have determined after I began borrowing my late grandmother's car that he would just take mine if his got repossessed. And guess what--he may be right. This angers me.
But, what really pissed me off is that early this am I had to leave for work (well before daylight). We've had snow and ice, so it took about 10 minutes for me to back my car up the incline of my drive way to get onto the street. About 5 minute into this fiasco I saw that my husband was lying in bed watching me struggle to get my car out of the drive. I imagine he was laughing, but I couldn't see his face, so I don't know. After a couple minutes I blew the car horn. The curtain quickly fell back into place. I saw him walk to the living room slowly, but he took his time and never came out to help. I finally got the car onto the street myself. I don't know why this little thing (and I mean little in comparison to all the other b.s. I've been dealing with: A, drugs, financial card fraud, chronic unemployment, lies, porn, etc.) bothered me so much. I was so angry driving to work today and had to fight back tears. He heard my tires and engine trying to get out of the drive over the ice and snow; he saw that I was struggling. But, he just looked on. Didn't help. And when I blew the car horn to indicate 1) I saw him looking on, and, 2) I needed help, he didn't rush to my rescue. I guess I just felt so disrespected and unloved. I mean, the previous day (yesterday), I had 2 male acquaintances offer unsolicited aid when I had an issue with one of the windshield wipers. So, 2 men who have no relation or legal ties to me saw I had a need and offered to assist me (willingly), and my own husband won't leave the comfort of his bed to help me get out of the drive so I can get to work?! REALLY?!
To make matters worse, I don't work tomorrow and I'll have to go home and spend the next 24 + hours with him. I dread going home. I vented to my boss this morning (he's like a father to me). He called one of his attorney friends and gave me a reputable legal referral. How is it that, even after ALLLLL that I've put up with (not that I'm a sainted martyr, but there are lines he's crossed that, by God's grace, I haven't and won't. Lagging housework, weight gain, depression--these are a mere few of my faults), I still am afraid to leave him and/or ask for a divorce? How is it that I still feel very anxious, scared, and GUILTY when think about telling him I'm leaving?
I'm not sure if he knows I've been looking at his phone, but he's been very stingy with it of late. I have been able to access it a couple times of late. Most of the records are clean and he has been home every night that I have. (I work a 24 hour shift every weekend so, who knows? The bed sheets had been washed and the house was tidied up more than usual when I came home after my last weekend shift.) Interestingly, he has been texting his girlfriend, the same married woman that broke up with him about 2 or 3 weeks ago because of his childish behavior. (Long story). No emails that I can find, though. They still use lovey language to each other. I don't know what their "status" is.
At any rate, I'm just a ball of emotions. I really don't want to go home but I feel guilty not doing so. I feel trapped when I'm with him and guilty that I feel that way. I'm a mess. I wish God spoke to me audibly. Sometimes I don't know if I'm a big whiny baby who needs to grow up and deal with it or if my situation is valid to warrant these internal struggles I feel. I feel helpless. Hope is running low, too.
But, what really pissed me off is that early this am I had to leave for work (well before daylight). We've had snow and ice, so it took about 10 minutes for me to back my car up the incline of my drive way to get onto the street. About 5 minute into this fiasco I saw that my husband was lying in bed watching me struggle to get my car out of the drive. I imagine he was laughing, but I couldn't see his face, so I don't know. After a couple minutes I blew the car horn. The curtain quickly fell back into place. I saw him walk to the living room slowly, but he took his time and never came out to help. I finally got the car onto the street myself. I don't know why this little thing (and I mean little in comparison to all the other b.s. I've been dealing with: A, drugs, financial card fraud, chronic unemployment, lies, porn, etc.) bothered me so much. I was so angry driving to work today and had to fight back tears. He heard my tires and engine trying to get out of the drive over the ice and snow; he saw that I was struggling. But, he just looked on. Didn't help. And when I blew the car horn to indicate 1) I saw him looking on, and, 2) I needed help, he didn't rush to my rescue. I guess I just felt so disrespected and unloved. I mean, the previous day (yesterday), I had 2 male acquaintances offer unsolicited aid when I had an issue with one of the windshield wipers. So, 2 men who have no relation or legal ties to me saw I had a need and offered to assist me (willingly), and my own husband won't leave the comfort of his bed to help me get out of the drive so I can get to work?! REALLY?!
To make matters worse, I don't work tomorrow and I'll have to go home and spend the next 24 + hours with him. I dread going home. I vented to my boss this morning (he's like a father to me). He called one of his attorney friends and gave me a reputable legal referral. How is it that, even after ALLLLL that I've put up with (not that I'm a sainted martyr, but there are lines he's crossed that, by God's grace, I haven't and won't. Lagging housework, weight gain, depression--these are a mere few of my faults), I still am afraid to leave him and/or ask for a divorce? How is it that I still feel very anxious, scared, and GUILTY when think about telling him I'm leaving?
I'm not sure if he knows I've been looking at his phone, but he's been very stingy with it of late. I have been able to access it a couple times of late. Most of the records are clean and he has been home every night that I have. (I work a 24 hour shift every weekend so, who knows? The bed sheets had been washed and the house was tidied up more than usual when I came home after my last weekend shift.) Interestingly, he has been texting his girlfriend, the same married woman that broke up with him about 2 or 3 weeks ago because of his childish behavior. (Long story). No emails that I can find, though. They still use lovey language to each other. I don't know what their "status" is.
At any rate, I'm just a ball of emotions. I really don't want to go home but I feel guilty not doing so. I feel trapped when I'm with him and guilty that I feel that way. I'm a mess. I wish God spoke to me audibly. Sometimes I don't know if I'm a big whiny baby who needs to grow up and deal with it or if my situation is valid to warrant these internal struggles I feel. I feel helpless. Hope is running low, too.
Replies
I was wondering how you were doing. I\'m sorry to hear things aren\'t getting better. I hate to say it, but I remember that feeling of wanting God to come right out and tell me what to do. Praying for a sign...and realizing He had been sending signs the whole time, and I kept trying to ignore them hoping it would go away. The path is hardly ever clear, but I hope you are getting closer to confronting him, to see whether or not he is willing to work on your marriage. Have you ever thought of sending the other woman a message? Just a thought, not a suggestion at all. I just wonder what his reaction would be if she were to tell him that you know about what\'s going on. Have you confided in friends at all? It sounds like you talked to your boss, but wasn\'t sure how much you told him. Still praying for you...
Thank you for all your support and kindness. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I guess I\'ve kind of given up and reburied my head in the sand...for now, anyway. I don\'t know if he\'s still talking to/seeing the g/f or not. They had a falling out, called it quits, reconnected, and, I assume, rekindled. Still haven\'t had much to go on lately, as I\'ve not had much opportunity to look through his phone and, when I have, there haven\'t been any texts or emails to find. However, he could be deleting them. Your prayers are appreciated. Thanks, again. Praying for you, too.
Hang in there. I know, the emotional toll starts to become physically exhausting. I know I haven\'t been taking care of myself - go to the gym erratically, starving myself for long periods and then overeating in spurts. I\'ve at least started trying to do at least a little exercise in the morning when I wake up, and that makes me feel a little better. Have you and your husband had any conversations lately, not about your relationship or what\'s going on, but, just a relaxed visiting session? Are you in any sort of position that you two could take a daytrip somewhere and relax a bit? It\'d be hard knowing what you know and trying to relax...but was wondering if you thought he might just start talking if you both were away from your usual circles. I\'m not really good at coming up with anything for your situation, because I know I was in the exact same boat. I was resigned to the situation. I hear a lot of the \"you can\'t change your spouse\'s behavior, but you can change how you deal with the behavior\" type stuff...and I don\'t feel that was helpful. I kind of understand the message, I tried my best to realize I was trying to be a forgiving, graceful, good person...trying to see how much I could take. Somehow thinking it would somehow make me better, but in the end...I\'m rambling. I\'m going to write a journal entry, take a look at it and see if it helps you at all. Still praying for you.
Hey there, just checking on you. I hope you\'re doing okay. I was thinking about what you wrote, some of the same things I\'ve been going through, and I think I\'m starting to understand some things. The guilt pops out at me. Why do we feel guilty when our spouse drives us to make a life-changing decision...contemplating divorce somehow feels so wrong, even when there seems no other way? I think maybe, because, normally, (that\'s not right, divorce has become the norm, anymore), I\'m basing this on the Bible, and of course our wedding vows...divorce is wrong except for certain circumstances. When we do wrong, guilt is there to warn us. It\'s natural, like your immune system. But, just like our immune system, sometimes it makes mistakes. Sometimes, our bodies\' own immune systems will attack something that may be actually beneficial. So, here\'s a different perspective - killing is wrong. However, if a person were to kill another in self defense, I wouldn\'t doubt that person would still suffer guilt to some degree. I\'ve got past the guilt, I think. I know that I did everything I could to avoid this. I wish there could have been another way. But, she was killing our marriage, almost seemed to be doing everything she could to make sure there was no way for it to survive. I\'m scared, too, OverwhelmedNC. I do hope that some miracle comes along for you and turns your marriage around. But, deal with that guilt. No one will blame you if you choose to move on alone. And, the fear starts to fade. There\'s excitement, too, if you can focus on being positive. Here\'s another thing for you to try once, too...do something for him, out of the blue, that he doesn\'t deserve. See how he reacts.