Anxiety attack Saturday, venting, rambling
I dint see it coming but I now see how it did and I wonder why I didn't see it coming.
I had another major anxiety attack on Saturday. It was at my sister's where I go every Saturday to spend the night with her. I should not have gone, I knew I was not in a great mood and I had been having difficulty sleeping all week because of the heat wave we have here.
It wasn't anything specific that set it off it was just an accumulation of dozens of things happening all week and a couple small things at my sister's house.
Straw, camel's back, You get it.
I'm mainly sorry it happened in front of my sister who is frightened by them and she can't understand them or handle them well but she usually does alright when I come down and talk it out with her. She truly cares about me and loves me and is scares her to see me unable to control my emotions.
It is because I am mostly stable and the one she leans on that makes it all the worse and it is because of this that I get anxious. I dont want nor need others to be leaning on me. I don't want nor need their problems and I get lots of theirs dumped on me.
I can handle the occasional need or real problem. I am pretty good at helping them when there is a real need. But it is all the small, stupid worthless, petty, non problems that they are always dropping on me that bug the heck out of me. And with the lack of sleep, general discomfort, and loads of these kinds of things falling on me al llast week, I'm not sure why I ddin't see it coming.
Anyway, as always, there is also relief in having an attack. Many pent up feelings and held back emotions got out and are gone. All those little stupid things no longer mean anything like they are suppsoed to not mean anything but I put too much towards them until they become a problem that I have to swallow. They are not all gagging me becoming the rock that I finaly have to spit up.
I'm hoping that I'm not called on too much this week so I can get more composure and handle the little petty things thrown my way better. It is that I can handle the little bothers and mostly put them away. It is when I get dozens of them or more that it is too much and causes I can't handle it.
Think of it as a fly buzzing around the house. One is no real bother unless it is in your face or on your food. Two stil not a big deal, easily dealt with or ignored, even maybe four or five not too bad and manageable but imagine twenty flies buzzing around your house in your face, on your food, never leaving you alone. That is what it was like last week and I finally flipped out and coudln't deal with it anymore.
Even if you do kill or shoo a couple flies out every once in a while after the tenth or twelfth it becomes so irritating, even infuriating that you really over react to the next fly. It is still jsut a fly, easily taken care of but it is the freakin' forutenth fly and they have been bothering you for the last five days never letting you get relaxed or eat without being interrupted... I guess you get the analogy. At least that is how it feels to me.
Last week was a load of crap that seemed to draw way more flies than I could handle and so I threw a shit fit.
I'm sorry Lisa. That's my sister. It really wasn't her fault, tho she added to it, it was all of the stupid little things that happened all week, all taken together. that set me off. I apologized to her and explained it as well as I o\could and I she forgives me and I think understands a little, She has been there, too. But instead of having anxiety attacks she has bouts of depression and goes to her room and lays down and cries.
We are such a messed up family and I really don't know where it came form as my parents were pretty damn good parents. My father was slightly distant but not unkind. My mother was maybe a little spoilish towards us but not over controlling. Neither of them did anything to neglect, abuse or mistreat us in anyway. And yet I'm over sensitive, a bit of a know it all, emotionally distant and cold and my brother is just screwed up in so many ways (arrogant, bullying, addictive, self centered, thinks he is always right and knkows more about whatever than anyonw else, inconsiderate, childish, greedy, anger management isues, defensive, lack of self control, needy- basically he acts like a perpetual, hormonally controlled teen-ager).
My sister has a mental handicap which has kept her intellignece to never progress beyond that of a ten year old and was spoiled and overly protected and that is why she is the way she is. I'm working on her getting over the overly protected and spoiled as much as I can. Trying to get her to be more confident and independent. IT seems to be working and she is responding and becoming both. But it is easy for her to try and get others to do things for her or let them. She was brought up this way, being taken care of and getting nearly everything she wanted. So it is hard for her because things are different and not going her way all the time. She is able and capable of learning and getting past this but it will take time. It doesn't help tho, when my brother comes around and treats her like she is a baby and stupid and can't do anything for herself or complains and criticizes her all the time. But she is lonely and she gets him to do things for her and so she allows it.
Dealing with my Brother
I avoid my brother as much as possible. He is the greatest anxiety creating thing in my life. And tho I tell him I am easily irritated and angered and stressed out by him and why, and yet, he acts surprised when I react that way around him. So, best to avoid. I've tried to explain it to him talk to him, and even hold back my feelings and it either is oblivious or doesn't care.
And then there is that if I answer his questions or react to one of his statements, he may start an argument, he might get angry, criticize, complain, or try and show me how I am wrong. Or if I don't react to him or answer him at all or react or answer him in a way he doesn't want then the same happens. I have tried every way possible to talk to him and not talk to him and it results in the same thing. Thus, avoid.
I had another major anxiety attack on Saturday. It was at my sister's where I go every Saturday to spend the night with her. I should not have gone, I knew I was not in a great mood and I had been having difficulty sleeping all week because of the heat wave we have here.
It wasn't anything specific that set it off it was just an accumulation of dozens of things happening all week and a couple small things at my sister's house.
Straw, camel's back, You get it.
I'm mainly sorry it happened in front of my sister who is frightened by them and she can't understand them or handle them well but she usually does alright when I come down and talk it out with her. She truly cares about me and loves me and is scares her to see me unable to control my emotions.
It is because I am mostly stable and the one she leans on that makes it all the worse and it is because of this that I get anxious. I dont want nor need others to be leaning on me. I don't want nor need their problems and I get lots of theirs dumped on me.
I can handle the occasional need or real problem. I am pretty good at helping them when there is a real need. But it is all the small, stupid worthless, petty, non problems that they are always dropping on me that bug the heck out of me. And with the lack of sleep, general discomfort, and loads of these kinds of things falling on me al llast week, I'm not sure why I ddin't see it coming.
Anyway, as always, there is also relief in having an attack. Many pent up feelings and held back emotions got out and are gone. All those little stupid things no longer mean anything like they are suppsoed to not mean anything but I put too much towards them until they become a problem that I have to swallow. They are not all gagging me becoming the rock that I finaly have to spit up.
I'm hoping that I'm not called on too much this week so I can get more composure and handle the little petty things thrown my way better. It is that I can handle the little bothers and mostly put them away. It is when I get dozens of them or more that it is too much and causes I can't handle it.
Think of it as a fly buzzing around the house. One is no real bother unless it is in your face or on your food. Two stil not a big deal, easily dealt with or ignored, even maybe four or five not too bad and manageable but imagine twenty flies buzzing around your house in your face, on your food, never leaving you alone. That is what it was like last week and I finally flipped out and coudln't deal with it anymore.
Even if you do kill or shoo a couple flies out every once in a while after the tenth or twelfth it becomes so irritating, even infuriating that you really over react to the next fly. It is still jsut a fly, easily taken care of but it is the freakin' forutenth fly and they have been bothering you for the last five days never letting you get relaxed or eat without being interrupted... I guess you get the analogy. At least that is how it feels to me.
Last week was a load of crap that seemed to draw way more flies than I could handle and so I threw a shit fit.
I'm sorry Lisa. That's my sister. It really wasn't her fault, tho she added to it, it was all of the stupid little things that happened all week, all taken together. that set me off. I apologized to her and explained it as well as I o\could and I she forgives me and I think understands a little, She has been there, too. But instead of having anxiety attacks she has bouts of depression and goes to her room and lays down and cries.
We are such a messed up family and I really don't know where it came form as my parents were pretty damn good parents. My father was slightly distant but not unkind. My mother was maybe a little spoilish towards us but not over controlling. Neither of them did anything to neglect, abuse or mistreat us in anyway. And yet I'm over sensitive, a bit of a know it all, emotionally distant and cold and my brother is just screwed up in so many ways (arrogant, bullying, addictive, self centered, thinks he is always right and knkows more about whatever than anyonw else, inconsiderate, childish, greedy, anger management isues, defensive, lack of self control, needy- basically he acts like a perpetual, hormonally controlled teen-ager).
My sister has a mental handicap which has kept her intellignece to never progress beyond that of a ten year old and was spoiled and overly protected and that is why she is the way she is. I'm working on her getting over the overly protected and spoiled as much as I can. Trying to get her to be more confident and independent. IT seems to be working and she is responding and becoming both. But it is easy for her to try and get others to do things for her or let them. She was brought up this way, being taken care of and getting nearly everything she wanted. So it is hard for her because things are different and not going her way all the time. She is able and capable of learning and getting past this but it will take time. It doesn't help tho, when my brother comes around and treats her like she is a baby and stupid and can't do anything for herself or complains and criticizes her all the time. But she is lonely and she gets him to do things for her and so she allows it.
Dealing with my Brother
I avoid my brother as much as possible. He is the greatest anxiety creating thing in my life. And tho I tell him I am easily irritated and angered and stressed out by him and why, and yet, he acts surprised when I react that way around him. So, best to avoid. I've tried to explain it to him talk to him, and even hold back my feelings and it either is oblivious or doesn't care.
And then there is that if I answer his questions or react to one of his statements, he may start an argument, he might get angry, criticize, complain, or try and show me how I am wrong. Or if I don't react to him or answer him at all or react or answer him in a way he doesn't want then the same happens. I have tried every way possible to talk to him and not talk to him and it results in the same thing. Thus, avoid.
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