Answering my own question
I have been struggling with semi erotic transference issues. Semi erotic because I can't have sexual fantasies about real life men I am attracted to so that stuff isn't happening but otherwise I am smitten....ugh (for me it is like being told I have herpes or something). This has been going on for months and months. I have searched high and low for advice and answers on how to stop it. It always comes back to the same thing; talk to your therapist. So I did that. I told him I was scared because I had these feelings and it made it really hard to talk to him. He was just interested in why I was scared. Actually I have brought the subject up a couple of times and he is always concerned about why I am so afraid of him.
So today, as I am driving back from an appointment with a client, a light bulb turns on. I have been going about this in the wrong way. He obviously knows what i am feeling and doesn't care. Maybe instead of me trying to get rid of the feeling I should just accept it. Maybe just accepting it and not judging myself for it will remove the power.
So today, as I am driving back from an appointment with a client, a light bulb turns on. I have been going about this in the wrong way. He obviously knows what i am feeling and doesn't care. Maybe instead of me trying to get rid of the feeling I should just accept it. Maybe just accepting it and not judging myself for it will remove the power.
Replies
I think he keeps asking you why you\'re scared because most people can feel an attraction and it\'s just fun for them. But for you it\'s scary, it\'s terribly upsetting. So apparently that\'s not the way it has to be! Not that I would know. I would feel both frightened and profoundly mortified. In fact, i had a similar issue with my SE lady, and I\'m not even gay. God help us.
I think many people would feel awkward having a crush on their therapist. If you google it there are a bunch of people asking the same questions.
I get girl crushes once in a while too and same sex transference is common in therapy as well.
But.....
You do have a point. Most people are probably not scared to the point of panic. I am with you on the mortification too. Still my instinct is telling me to just accept I got a huge crush on a short , bald, gay man. (I do think bald is incredibly attractive though).
I think he wants you to talk about why you are scared because this situation is a trigger for you. Which means the fear you are feeling is actually associated with your past and needs to be discussed and processed. When you do process your past, this situation will no longer be a trigger for you and you will have healed. Just my opinion.
Cecil, I don\'t know how it is for most people but I don\'t think it\'s normal to be actually scared. Awkward yes, scared no.
Well, I can only speak for myself. I don\'t ever feel safe, even within my own body, because I don\'t feel like I have dependable boundaries. That may not be your issue. But when lines have been crossed and a response has been wrung out of you in defiance of every instinct of what\'s safe and what\'s right, then how can you feel safe with your boundaries and other people\'s boundaries? That\'s my question - it\'s the question I live with. I don\'t feel like I belong to ME and can trust ME and I hate it. I do a lot of things to push people away, even people I adore, even my own daughter, because I feel like my boundaries are so porous.
Here\'s me going through this stuff http://www.dailystrength.org/people/3335261/journal/11011887. Last session was kind of gross because I felt that yucky feeling hanging over me.
That is a tough question. It is possible my weight is to protect me from myself because I make bad choices when given the opportunity. As I am now I am safe. I will not try to get involved.
I am so sorry you don\'t ever feel safe. I am sure you intellectually understand that you were in no way responsible for what was done to you. Keep telling it to your heart.
good juju your way...
Thank you. I\'m sure LuckyEmpath is right, by the way. I just can\'t really do that quite yet because there\'s too much dissociation between me and whatever happened. But I think you can do it.
Hi Lucky,
I cared about my original abusers...especially my brother. I loved him so much. I cared about Russell. I thought he cared about me. I thought he really liked me. He made me feel special. All that love and caring turned into something perverted and scary not to mention painful.
It is very hard for me to have warm fuzzy feelings for a man...especially if there is some attraction there.
Cecil, I understand how hurt you must have been when someone you loved hurt you so badly. I also loved the man who abused me and thought he loved me. I was shocked to learn that I had these feelings for him as he was a neighbor and, like you, created a lot of physical pain for me. Then, one day, when I was 12, he threw me aside like a dirty napkin and didn\'t want to see me any more. This hurt so deeply that I thought I would shatter like a delicate crystal vase....and I did shatter...into a million pieces. Without him I had NO love. As an adult I know that what he gave me was not love but to my inner children that was the only love I knew. So I sat with my inner children and helped them to understand what true love is. It\'s a warm loving hug. It\'s comfort. It\'s safety. It\'s about telling the truth and loving someone as a whole and never hurting them. I believe that your inner children, the ones who loved your brother so much, were looking for any kind of love and comfort and they didn\'t know any other kind of love than the one they found in your brother.
That scared feeling you feel when you start to trust...it\'s hurt and betrayal. It\'s what lies beneath the rage you feel and its very scary to feel it. One day you will allow yourself to feel these difficult feelings and when you do you will begin to heal them. You will cry a lot - of that I can promise you - but the more tears you cry today the fewer you will have to cry tomorrow.