ANOTHER RESTLESS NIGHT!
Thurs. night, July 11: Once again I cannot sleep. I sleep at all the wrong times! I posted 8 new photos. I hope all of you reading will check them out. I even have one of my "picnic buddy".I didn't go outside much today. My fun in the sun yesterday resulted in a bit of a "sun spark". Not a burn...just a spark.Tomorrow is my last day before Craig will be here, all the time, for 14 days! I don't know about this!!!! He still has a hard time understanding me now. I don't blame him, I don't really understand myself. I tried to explain to him if you say to me, "Do you want to go do something?", I will always say no. You have to be specific with me these days. Now if you say, "Do you want to go to.......? (Fill in the blank) I will be able to say yes if it sounds good to me. Does anyone else have this problem? And, I am no good at plans being changed. Once I get one, it is reallly hard for me to deviate. It is hard enough for me to wrap my head around things once but to keep changing is enough to make me scream. Really. I still don't know if we are doing anything for his vacation and/or what that might be. It has all changed so much I have just stepped away from it. I guess he will let me know. But, he had better be specific!Melissa's Mom called, finally, this eve. I was getting worried about her. I have tried to call several times. Like the rest of us, she has an ok day and then a horrible day. It has not been so good for her lately. I just assured her that she is not crazy. Or, if she is, she has lots of company. It is not quite seven weeks since Melissa died. It is still very raw for all of us, but especially her Mom and Adam. I couldn't tell her it gets better, just different. In some ways it is harder for me now. I miss Scott more and more with each passing day. I just walk around with that empty feeling in my stomach ALL the time!I am trying to get the hang of MySpace. It seems much harder to me than Daily Strength. I have decided to be in touch, finally, with some others. That is a huge step for me. Of course they are all people I know but have just been out of touch with. I am not ready for much "in-person" yet but I can keep up with them on-line. It is a start, I guess.
Replies
Oh honey, you are not alone with the way you feel.
Many days of mine are just like yours - empty, sick feeling, and yes - specific plans make me more comfortable because I feel inside I\'ll be able to control my emotions better that way. I have a myspace page - created last year after Shaun died.
I was myspace stupid for about two weeks before I got the hang of it. We should add each other as friends, and if you need any help working it, let me know. Try to calm down, (listen to me....the walking nerve over here) but seriously - we can\'t let the stress take it\'s toll on our bodies. Deep breaths,
and prayers - perhaps meditation - always here for you, any time. Love ya,
Your description of your feelings sounds very familiar to me. I think--I feel just \"neutral\" a lot of the time. Some things, I know I don\'t want to do--others are OK. There are also people in my life that I was very close to, that seem \"toxic\" to me now--they really don\'t understand and just want me to \"feel better\"--like that will happen!--Jamie is NOT coming back! Then there are the others (some family/some friends) who don\'t even mention him--like he never existed!! I think that hurts the most, especially because these are people who loved him! Know that we all understand how you feel and are here for you. Love, Judy
We need things simple...plans, life, work...whatever. It is okay if you can\'t handle more than a specific plan. Do what you can. Getting away may be good for you...it never goes away...but distractions DO help. I remember just wanting to hide...it is different for me now...I don\'t mind running into people...so days I would rather not...but most days it is okay. You have had so much going on...just be kind to yourself and have NO expectations. Love and hugs...Karen
Getting away sounds so good. Sorry to hear about your little spark with the sun. Hubby burnt himself with putting gas on a bonfire last weekend. I hope you get to enjoy some vacation time. Love and Hugs.
It is all normal. Sorry I didn\'t get you any info on camp grounds, hubby has been real busy & I don\'t have the book with me to look things up. Hop you enjoy some vacation time. I am going to be in Bolivar next week. I wish we could have gotten together. Hugs, Connie
I am staying with my parents at the moment because my sister is here from England. As I opened the link to this page (still sitting here in my dressing gown at 11am) my mother is trying to organise me for the day! What do you want to do today? You are going home tomorrow and we don\'t want to waste the last day! Then I read you journal entry and it made me smile... snap! Specifics help but if I\'m kinda non comittal and just say that sounds fine, she says, \" would you rather do something else\"... no that\'s FINE!!! So to you, my dear friend who\'s never met me but knows me so well, I understand. Love and hugs, Charlotte. xo
Big hugs honey. I understand so well. Love you, Barbara
Most times I just want to stay in my own little bubble. I do venture outside the box once in a while and when I do I\'m usually happy I did. I don\'t know anything about my space other than my kids are on it frequently. You are making progress interacting with others so good for you. I\'m happy Melissa\'s mom got a hold of you. It\'s so hard to know what to say because we do each need to figure it out for ourselves. I\'m happy she has you to help her on this journey. Enjoy the weekend and get some sleep! Love Robin
Hey I understand perfectly. I will do something if someone sets it up and asks but to make a plan is just impossible for me. I\'ve pretty much became a hermit, I like it that way. Going to look at your pics. Love and hugs Cathy