Another night in hell ....

This evening - Monday June 5 th - started off great. I cooked a nice pasta dinner for us, and he served it. We were all settled in our recliners - with our dinners, and wwe smackdown was starting on the USA cable channel. 

Then for some unknown reason I started cleaning my fingernails on one hand, and it made a VERY slight bit of noise. He gave me a very nasty look, and told me to stop what I was doing. I made ONE small comment that they were " MY fingernails ", and I could play with them / clean them if I wanted to. He didn't agree with me apparently because as soon as I had said that, he blew up like a grenade going off ! He literally exploded with RAGE ! 

He started throwing EVERYTHING that he could get his hands on ! It didn't matter if it was something extremely important - like the tv, and dvd remotes - he still threw those accross the room with no regards to whether, or not, they would still be in one piece afterwards ! Plus he very quickly started finding heavy things to throw at ME... HARD ! He threw about 3 things very hard at me - hard enough to HURT ME, and proceeded to tell me that " He wants me to DARE cry about it because IF I did he would hurt me even MORE - giving me something " extra " to cry about ! " Those might not have been his exact words, but that was the general idea of what he said. 

So I sat in my recliner - shaking, and fighting to hold back a flood of tears, as I kept a very careful eye on him.... watching him to make sure he didn't throw anything else at me, and that he didn't try to destroy anything important ! 

During this fit of rage he comanded me to go get a shower, so I " obeyed ". I knew better than to not do exactly what he said because his voice told me that IF I dared to not " obey " him, then he would have physically hurt me even MORE ! 

Thankfully while I was in the shower he cleaned up the HUGE mess he had created during his RAGE explosion, even though at one point he had told ME to clean it ALL up ! 

I think somewhere.... deep down... even during the rage,  he knew that I wasn't about to clean up HIS MESS ! 

I HATE the fact that he came VERY close to breaking the ONLY good tv that I have right now ! 

WHAT was going through his head at that moment ?.... I have no clue ! 

I PRAY that he NEVER EVER goes to a place of RAGE where he thinks breaking the TV is " okay ", again ! 

Right now it's almost 2 AM - Tuesday June 6 th.... but I'm pretty much wide awake. 

How can I sleep after that explosion of RAGE earlier this evening ? 

He never realizes that even though HE calms down eventually after he explodes in RAGE, for Me the mixed emotions involve continue, and nothing is truly resolved since He never ever talks about what happened..... and how it should NEVER EVER happen again !