Another letter I don't think I'll send

I do this to myself. I torture myself with thoughts of you, of all our memories. I do this because I love you dearly, no matter what Samantha. I think of you and I feel like I lost the biggest part of me. I think of the fact that you are gone and I feel like dying, and crying myself away. But I'm not going to go off and die now. Im not going to bleed away my feelings or any other self destructive action. I'm going to try to move on, move on from the most impactive person on my life, the person that I've grown the closest to ever. I love you baby, I dont know how I can keep going down this trail of sadness every night. I dont know if it is a conscious choice or not, but it feels like one of those more subconscious ones, the ones from your innermost level.It must be beacuse every night for over a month ago I have had dreams about you, and I hope that they all aren't true. There is one that I remember a few days after our break started, you were dying, I dont know from what exactly but it was a sickness, your family wanted to keep you hooked up to the hosptial machines to keep you alive. But you wanted to just go, so I came and we snuck out of the hospital and took off to Tawas in some nicer grey car that I assumed was mine. We didnt go to the house, but instead we went behind one of the buildings that are between the water and the main road. There was a small wide cement pier that we sat in the car cuddling and kissing romantically watching the sun set on the horizon. And at the end you passed away, I woke up then in tears, I wanted to die, and the sad thing is that I've had that dream a few times since then. Everytime I want to cry. I love you Sam, I hope we were meant for each other, I hope that we someday meet again. And that we still have that love that I hope we shared.