Another Journal/Same Day

There is something else I want to share today. Last Saturday was Cassi's birthday and was the toughest so far. Last week I cried everyday and felt the tension build the nearer the weekend got. Finally, Friday night I was really desperate so I contacted a friend (another grieving mom) and asked if she knew of a reliable psychic/medium I could talk to. She told me to give her a little time and she'd get back to me. Sure enough, she contacted me with a very sweet young lady from Canada's information. On an agreed time I called her.

I told her I needed her skills as a medium. I was very open and honest. I told her I had lost my daughter and I was desperate for any communication. She asked me a few general questions and I got a good feeling from her. As proof of presence, sometimes spirit will reveal certain details known only to the client. So shortly into the conversation she said, "I don't understand this, but she keeps showing me the character Darlene from Roseanne." OMG Cassi was obsessed with that show. She owned all the seasons. Her friend Lucas had bought her an original script from the show, with handwritten notes in the margins, and Roseanne had autographed it. He also bought her the aphgan that they had on their sofa, well, he had a copy made, he didn't get the actual original aphgan from the set. She also had a tattoo on her arm of the Roseanne logo. She really loved Roseann, and the character she associated with the most was Darlene.

I asked her why Cassi didn't come to me in my dreams more or send me more signs, and she said it would make me sad. Looking inwards, I immediately knew she was right. I can't go in a grocery store because we always went shopping together and I will see things she ate. It's a big reason I have hard time leaving home. Triggers make me sad.

She told me that Cassi did not want me even considering using illegal drugs to numb my pain, or considering joining her...well, it had been a tough week and I had been thinking those things, but of course I didn't tell anybody. So now I am hearing Cassi doesn't want these things. She said when I am brave enough to start venturing out more, I will feel braver because I will feel Cassi with me. Until then, Cassi has to be more careful with signs because they still make me sad. Cassi said she didn't want me to shed any more tears for her, that I had shed too many already, even when she was alive.

She started telling me the story of how butterflies sometimes visit you, and she stopped, and said she had loudly heard dragonflies over butterflies. I do seem to attract dragonflies. I can hold up my finger and eventually one will land on it and I can bring it up to my face and make eye-to-eye contact with them. When I told my sister, who is not a believer, this part, she said, "Oh my God, I have been getting swarmed by dragonflies lately."

Then she asked if Cassi had a younger friend, maybe 3 years, with red hair, and she believed her name started with an H. Well, that is Hayley. I began to feel sorry for myself, in that when Cassi was alive her friends were always at our house and of course now they never are. They don't contact me unless I contact them first, and I loved them and considered them my surrogate kids. And I have to be very careful bringing up Cassi with her best friend Lucas, and he has a Master's Degree in Psychology!!! But I wonder if deep down he feels guilty, despite defiantly denying that he does. He was one of the last few texts Cassi sent out that night before. I wonder if he thinks he missed something. He loves her, but he is still very angry with her. He is easy-going, but I have to tread lightly when discussing Cassi, at least those last few days. He gets angry and storms off. There must be unresolved issues. But I miss him, as well as Cassi's other friends. Like I said, they were always around and they could talk to me like they couldn't talk to their own mothers. For onr thing, I was a young mother, so I was closer in age to them than their mothers, and I am also very accepting of diversity and nonjudgemental. I miss them coming to me...the psychic/medium said that slowly, one by one, they would start coming back around, I just have to be patient. We shall see.

She also told me, which I knew, that in the realm of spirit there is no time and space in the way that we understand it. She said if I want Cassi beside me, all I have to do is say her name, think her name, and she will be there...and the more I can open my heart to these possibilities and seek happiness, I will feel her presence more profoundly and get more signs.

After the call I felt much better...for awhile...for me, this is my journey. A rollercoaster, three steps forward and two steps back. I wish there were magic words, or books, or schools, anything, that could fix us once and for all, but that definitely isn't my journey. I KNOW what I KNOW, but it still hurts, it helps, but it hurts. I guess it's like what I try to remember to tell all new moms...It will never be easy, but somedays won't be so bad.