Another Inch
I've had a strange feeling the last couple of days.
I'm not as nervous as before, not as anxious. And I noticed something else this afternoon after adding my comment: I spend more of my time in my imagination than I do reality. I am more mindful of what and how my mind is working than ever before. I'm catching my anxiety feelings much earlier, I'm more sensitive to that "sinking" feeling, like a stated earlier; and then I know not to continue feeling that feeling, or at least not to believe in the need to feel anxious. As I said, the strangest feeling is in not feeling as anxious as before. I still feel anxious sometimes, just not AS anxious, so that I'm not conscious that I'm anxious.
Getting back to my statement, I am aware of all the time I spend "out of body" in my imagination's escape from what's really going on. It's like my mind has to be thinking and feeling something, and I am becoming aware when its doing that and also that it serves no real purpose. And I'm teaching myself to just quieten it, and let it go. I'm learning how to stop letting it be automatic, and teaching myself I can control it, I can control its direction. At least stop the imaginary anxiety. I feel like this last week or two's insights have made a difference. It's strange, like when my "superlative ego" tries to remind me of a possible embarrassment, I remind myself to say "Soooooo? It's okay to not be afraid of doing something embarrassing." My recovery really does feel like it involves an ability to minimize the threat of anxiety, fear, guilt, or shame. It's like learning how to not resist those feelings. Don't try to "fix" them, they're not wrong, they're just not real. They have nothing to do other than be feelings I believe I should resist, escape, or avoid. Once I allow them to be, come and go, the better I feel. That command, from my "Superlative Ego", of "you must feel really terrible now" is not obeyed, as though I am a victim or a slave to its influence. Remember when we talked about the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference? That's how I'm treating those imaginary feelings for escape and avoidance; with indifference! I challenge them, their authority, and their truth.
There is one new word I want to teach myself to be comfortable with: "Fearless". Damn it! It feels like the only thing I'm really afraid of feeling is the sensation of being afraid. I resist feeling afraid, and I'm learning how not to do that; at least as far as any false images are concerned.
Although I mentioned the feeling of being a "whole" the other day, and dissolving an inner "split", I am building a split between what I do and who I am. I'm developing a boundary between the two. It has to do with a new feeling about being a professional, where what I'm doing is not about me. How well I'm doing something is not a direct judgment of who I am as myself. Everything I'm doing is not a performance to base feelings about myself on. I'm teaching myself to have a stable and respectful opinion of myself, a loving and caring one, and not a harsh and critical one. And I'm getting less demanding and critical of my behaviors; I'm much more forgiving of myself. And that really is a strange feeling at the moment. But I'm getting used to it. The better I feel doing it the more likely I will continue.
Cheers
Rich
I'm not as nervous as before, not as anxious. And I noticed something else this afternoon after adding my comment: I spend more of my time in my imagination than I do reality. I am more mindful of what and how my mind is working than ever before. I'm catching my anxiety feelings much earlier, I'm more sensitive to that "sinking" feeling, like a stated earlier; and then I know not to continue feeling that feeling, or at least not to believe in the need to feel anxious. As I said, the strangest feeling is in not feeling as anxious as before. I still feel anxious sometimes, just not AS anxious, so that I'm not conscious that I'm anxious.
Getting back to my statement, I am aware of all the time I spend "out of body" in my imagination's escape from what's really going on. It's like my mind has to be thinking and feeling something, and I am becoming aware when its doing that and also that it serves no real purpose. And I'm teaching myself to just quieten it, and let it go. I'm learning how to stop letting it be automatic, and teaching myself I can control it, I can control its direction. At least stop the imaginary anxiety. I feel like this last week or two's insights have made a difference. It's strange, like when my "superlative ego" tries to remind me of a possible embarrassment, I remind myself to say "Soooooo? It's okay to not be afraid of doing something embarrassing." My recovery really does feel like it involves an ability to minimize the threat of anxiety, fear, guilt, or shame. It's like learning how to not resist those feelings. Don't try to "fix" them, they're not wrong, they're just not real. They have nothing to do other than be feelings I believe I should resist, escape, or avoid. Once I allow them to be, come and go, the better I feel. That command, from my "Superlative Ego", of "you must feel really terrible now" is not obeyed, as though I am a victim or a slave to its influence. Remember when we talked about the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference? That's how I'm treating those imaginary feelings for escape and avoidance; with indifference! I challenge them, their authority, and their truth.
There is one new word I want to teach myself to be comfortable with: "Fearless". Damn it! It feels like the only thing I'm really afraid of feeling is the sensation of being afraid. I resist feeling afraid, and I'm learning how not to do that; at least as far as any false images are concerned.
Although I mentioned the feeling of being a "whole" the other day, and dissolving an inner "split", I am building a split between what I do and who I am. I'm developing a boundary between the two. It has to do with a new feeling about being a professional, where what I'm doing is not about me. How well I'm doing something is not a direct judgment of who I am as myself. Everything I'm doing is not a performance to base feelings about myself on. I'm teaching myself to have a stable and respectful opinion of myself, a loving and caring one, and not a harsh and critical one. And I'm getting less demanding and critical of my behaviors; I'm much more forgiving of myself. And that really is a strange feeling at the moment. But I'm getting used to it. The better I feel doing it the more likely I will continue.
Cheers
Rich
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