Another great day, sober.

  Got of to a bad start because I slept in. Forgot to set the clock. Woke up because the phone rang about 7.30. Oh well, shit happens. Kind of nice tho. Shorter day. Cost me twenty bucks for a cab, but I enjoyed it because it was more relaxing getting a ride. Before things like this would really upset everything, but I don't get messed up over it anymore. I don't have to work so hard now trying to be perfect. I'm finding it easier to accept it when I sqrew up. I really am human, imagine that. Lately I've been paying attention to my thinking. I find myself having a lot of negative things going through my head. A lot of self talk that seems to be anger based. Mostly it's about people at work and things I went to when I first started my job. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it. It's nothing major, but I want to find out how to deal with these things. I've been working a lot on staying possitive and trying to not let my thoughts get out of hand. For the most part I've been doing good with this, but I find these things keep cropping up. I know that I'm still angry about a lot of things that were done to me at work. I have worked at forgiving, and I also accept the fact that some of it was due to my attitude and behaviour at times. What I find that bothers me lately is that I seem to be observing new workers and the differance in the way they are treated compared to when I started. Perhaps it's jealousy that I see them treated a lot better. It's really so outright blatent. for a long time I have tried t6o rationalize that my going through these things was God's way of giving what I needed to make me stronger in charactor, but I know that God doesn't do this. I also think about if it were any of them and they had these things done to them they would be crying. They would have called the labour board for sure. A lot of it was straight out harassment, and I'm angry about it. Not like I'm steaming or dwelling on it, but I need to find some way to put this to rest in me. It's hard trying to act loving toward them whem my head is almost always telling them to go fuck themselves. I do act properly with them, well most times, and I try to be respectful. sometimes I wonder if they think that because I was open about being an alcoholic, that mayby they just thought of me less or something. Anyway, I'm sure when I see my counselor and talk to him about it he will give me something to help me deal with this. Today I kinda apologized to the chef about giving him attitude the past few days. I knew I was starting to get out of hand the other day. Most of it was joking, but I know myself. It was getting to be a tug of war with ego's. i was pushing for changes to happen and I was going to far. I noticed that I was getting overly critical about things, that just plain were not my job to do. I'm not the chef, and I was starting to act like I was. Old habits I guess. At least I realized it. Thats a good sign of growth. Tomorow I will apologize properly to him. I noticed today that when I half assed apologized, I did feel better. I knew it was the right thing to do also. But like I said, I know it wasn't a proper apology. I was wrong, and he desrves the respect to hear it. I desrve also to do it. I consider it an honour to be able to admit, and accept it when we are wrong. There is freedom by taking responsibility for ourselves. Wow! Is this really me saying this. Thank you so very much Lord for allowing me to become a real man, and to apply your teachings to my life. Thank you so very much. Amen.