Another end to an era- Hopefully this time he'll just let me heal

My ex came by my office last night.  Steve- my first.  The one who I wrote "End of an Era" journal entries for.  Part of me didn't feel the need to post this.  But then I went back and read the other journal entries and it really helped me a lot.  That's why I need to start posting journal entries.  Whether people read them or not it helps to have them in one spot. 
Since I wrote him the letter he has texted me (with bullshit of course) and called me- left no message.  So then a few weeks go by with no response and he stops in the office to see me.  He just popped in.  Says nothing of the letter.  Asks me if I want to go out and get a drink.  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  Every fiber of my being wanted to grab him and hold him and kiss him.  Every part of me- every fucking part- wanted to go with him.  Before I would have- in fact every other time he's ever asked me to hang out I've said yes.  Wow- I didn't realize that before- I really have said yes every time he ever asked me to hang out.  Damn man- no wonder he thinks its okay to treat me like shit.  There was one other time I said no.   And I told him the same thing then as I did this time.  That I'd love nothing more to hang out with him.  I told him there's really no one I'd rather hang out with.  I told him that I love his company and we always have a great time and great conversation but that I don't think it's a good idea for us to hang out.  Btw- I brought up the letter- we joked about it.  He said he read it.  He joked about how long it is.  I laughed- b/c it was mad long.  I looked at him and apologized.  He told me I didn't have to do that.  I told him I'm not sorry for sending it b/c it needed to be said.  But that I'm sorry for feeling it.  I looked him in the eye and told him I'd give anything I had to have him have no effect on me whatsoever but that just wasn't the reality.  I told him it wasn't a good idea for us to hang out.  Mind you- my heart was beating out of my chest.  I told him all I said above then I told him that I'd feel like shit the next day and I don't want to feel like shit the next day.  Verbatim- that's exactly what I said.  He didn't argue with me.  He didn't try to convince me I wouldn't feel like shit the next day.  He just kept saying "Come onnn- it's just a drink."  Just one drink.  That's what he kept saying.  Then he made sure to tell me that he only asked b/c he has nothing better to do.  He tells me that every time.  Then we went back and forth a little.  Then there was silence.  He said "Awkward silence."  Then he got up and left.  Told me to call him if I change my mind.  And that was it.  He just left. 
That night I looked at his fb- he has a girlfriend and each of their sign ons are pics with each other.  He actually changed his name to include "(Luvmybabe)" at the end of his name.  Isnt' that fucking special.  I deleted him.  I've never deleted anyone before him on fb.  I felt amazing!  I wrote an angry message on FB- well it was more fed up than anything.  "out with the old and in with the new.  From here on in my motto is FUCK THE BULLSHIT!  So if you're bullshit then stay the FUCK out of my life!  My sincere thanks to everyone who has always shown me love and respect no matter what- you know who you are!  To everyone else- FUCKING PEACE! I'm not wasting anymore time- not now, not ever again."  I felt amazing and empowered.  It was a great night and Saturday was a great day.  I got so much done.  Then today comes- Sunday.  And I feel like a piece of shit again.  I looked at FB and I realized- he's not gonna message me b/c I deleted him.  I made the decision to reject him.  I made the choice.  It's over.  He won't stop by again.  Not after the way I acted towards him. 
You know what- fuck it.  He hurt me.  His nonchalant words were hurting me.  I knew that if I went out with him it would hurt me even more.  I said exactly what I meant.  I told him exactly how I feel.  I did everything right.  There was nothing I could have done differently.  It's just not meant to be.  The following was written prior to the first couple of paragraphs in the journal entry.
7/31/11: Steve
I can’t fucking believe I’m sitting here feeling the way I do. Actually missing you. Even though I have before. I can’t believe how strong denial is. I’ve always felt this way and I just denied it to myself. You looked like shit for you (still probably better then many others) on Friday- hair wasn’t cut, you were dressed down. But you looked absolutely beautiful to me. Every part of me wanted to hold you and kiss you. Every part of me wanted to go out with you that night. Every part. There aren’t words for how I feel. Wait- yes there are. I’m absolutely heart broken. I’m so in love with you and you just don’t want me. You don’t love me. I stared at you in the face and basically told you I loved you and you just sat there and kept asking me to hang out with you like you wanted to. You know you don’t love me. You know you don’t want me in your life. I guess you consider me a friend. But that doesn’t make sense either b/c why would a friend know that another friend is in love with them and still try to hang out with them knowing in their hearts that they’re committed to another and obviously in love with another? I just don’t understand why. Do you not have a heart? You seem to have one with others. Why not me? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand. I understand you not being in love with me. I understand you being in love with another woman. I just don’t understand how you could be so insensitive. I’m a person. I don’t deserve this. I said it out loud in no uncertain terms. Any idiot could read what I wrote and understand it. I poured my heart out to you. How can you be so insensitive? I think I’m not meant to understand. I think I have to stop trying to. If the tables were turned I’d either come correct or not at all. I understand you not wanting to respond to that message. I understand you not wanting to hash out old shit. I understand all of that. I know you don’t love me. I know you have someone else. I know our ship sailed a long time ago. I just don’t understand why you think its okay to just hurt me. Don’t you know me by now? Don’t you know that I can’t do in between? I don’t know. There are many variables. Variables that will never be constant for me. I’ll never know why you think its okay to insult me by asking me to hang out knowing damn well how I feel. Maybe you’re that selfish. Maybe it’s a simple as that. You just wanted to chill- like you said- you had nothing better to do so you figured you’d ask me- that’s always the case. You always make sure you let me know that I’m nothing special- you always act like there’s nothing better to do. God please just take this hurt from me.
I just can’t imagine my life without you. Its been a really long time since I said goodbye to you and thought it was the last time I’d be seeing you. I want this to stop. I want you here. I want you to not be you. I want every part of your personality except the one that makes you so aloof and insensitive. I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t believe I can’t believe it. The best way out is always through.



About 2 months after writing this I was in a relationship with another dude and Steve texted me. He started talking all this sexual shit and I was disgusted. I told him that I wasn\'t interested then I told him I was in a relationship and very happy. He said congratulations and left me alone. I have no emotions for him whatsoever. So that\'s a good thing. And I\'m happy I posted this.