Another dream
They are becoming more frequent. He was helping me around the house. Kitchen. Laundry. It seemed so normal but I woke up from the dream because it bothered me so much. I laid in bed for a long time after, not really thinking about anything. Just laying there.
I miss him. There is a hole in my heart. A huge, gaping hole. I really miss him. This morning, I realized that on some level, I had shut down my feelings to preserve my sanity at some point. Ya, like there is a switch? I tried hard to turn that switch back on but couldn't figure out how to do it. I miss him with my soul. But, my heart can't feel. No Tears come. Just the grind of everyday life going on.
I wonder what happened last night. Why did I wake myself up, instead of letting him clean in my dreams? Why couldn't I go back to sleep once awake? Was a dream too hard for me to bear? Did I need reality? The hurt was there, softly mocking a seemingly harmless situation and turning up the volume to unbearable decibels. I laid awake in my cold bed just waiting for something. Anything. Not even sure what I was waiting for or what I was trying to escape from my dream. Reality Vs reality?
Maybe the mind whispers and I just couldn't hear my thoughts. Maybe what my heart is feeling is all that's left. Missing. Mourning softly. Maybe the flood gates will never open again because my coping skills have shut off that part of me. Maybe it wasn't meant to be carried over into my future.
Confused by myself....
Carry on....
I miss him. There is a hole in my heart. A huge, gaping hole. I really miss him. This morning, I realized that on some level, I had shut down my feelings to preserve my sanity at some point. Ya, like there is a switch? I tried hard to turn that switch back on but couldn't figure out how to do it. I miss him with my soul. But, my heart can't feel. No Tears come. Just the grind of everyday life going on.
I wonder what happened last night. Why did I wake myself up, instead of letting him clean in my dreams? Why couldn't I go back to sleep once awake? Was a dream too hard for me to bear? Did I need reality? The hurt was there, softly mocking a seemingly harmless situation and turning up the volume to unbearable decibels. I laid awake in my cold bed just waiting for something. Anything. Not even sure what I was waiting for or what I was trying to escape from my dream. Reality Vs reality?
Maybe the mind whispers and I just couldn't hear my thoughts. Maybe what my heart is feeling is all that's left. Missing. Mourning softly. Maybe the flood gates will never open again because my coping skills have shut off that part of me. Maybe it wasn't meant to be carried over into my future.
Confused by myself....
Carry on....
Replies
Mel: I had a ton of those dreams at around the two year mark. I was trying so hard to move forward with my life. I had also just started dating my current boyfriend. I would wake up crying because I knew I missed him, missed my old life and would always grieve for that. But at the same time, I was making great progress in my new life, with a new man who I genuinely cared for. I think it was subconscious whiplash. I still have those dreams occasionally but not nearly as often. I think it takes a long time for us to really integrate everything together if that makes any sense. Hugs, Val