Another day trying to keep the focus on myself.

Meditation for today: Focusing on myself is not a hobby it isn't some perfect ideal i am trying to achieve it is simply a way of life. In each moment I choose to bring the attention to my thoughts, my feelings, and my own self care -- i remember being truly loving to yourself in mindfullness of others is not selfish it is crucial for serenity. 

Today I have been allowing myself to go a little slower than usual. I still haven't gotten alot accomplished but i remind myself its okay that everything i've wanted to that i havent done yet is fine to leave for another day. I went to another alannon meeting today and the things i got out of the meeting were the reminders that instant gratification isn't always the solution to truly enjoying yourself and life. Its with patience, and taking things one thing at a time you find the joy is in the journey. It's in the nitty gritty shit.. the feelings and the self soothing of those feelings. It's effort in the run, that your most recall at the end of the race. How you pushed through and got to the other side. I have been managing my feelings of triggeres lately but I know they are just under the surface. When i am triggered by my partners sex addiction i bring the attention to my insecurities. Im reminded that its me who is putting the focus on appreance and my own "lack" when I allow his recovery, his issues, to interfere with my reality. It was always hard as a kind trying to feel good about yourself by  yourself when you had no one. When the ones who should be showing you how to love were absent and in need of love themselves. In desperation I tried to get others to love me, approve of me, thinking if only i were skinnier, prettier, had cooler clothes, straightened my hair, partied, listened to my mom and dads problems try to fix things for them maybe then I would learn what it feels like to be truly loved. As an adult I am learning what it feels like to truly be loved for the first time when i am taking time to pay attention to myself. Not seeking the approval from someone else and trying to refocus on my feelings and why i am triggered when someone does something to throw me off balance.