Another day of confusion ..... ????

What to do..... ? ... 

I wish I knew. I pray every day for answers, but as of yet they haven't come. Am I not allowing myself to be " open " enough to hear the answers I need from the divine ? Maybe. Who knows ? I'll keep praying, since I know that prayers have a power beyond anything on this earthly plane. 

I wish to GOD that Mom was still alive. I miss her so very much. I miss her beyond what any words can describe. She was, and always will be, a part of me. When she passed away it felt like a vital part of me was ripped from my soul. Even though I cried like it was the end of the world at her memorial service, noone in the family came over to me to hug me, and try to comfort me at all. I felt like I not only lost Mom, but I had told my entire family as well. 

Ever since the day that Mom passed away, time has proven that my gut feeling was right. When I lost Mom, I did lose my entire family as well. I no longer have a family. At least it definitely doesn't feel like I have a family anymore. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this, but there is noone. I thought I had a " good " friend that I could talk to about anything, but recently she turned her back on me. So now I truly have noone. 

Darkness enfolds me as completely as a morning mist. At least with a morning mist, the sun eventually comes out, and clears it away. For me there is no sun. So the darkness continues to gather, and wrap itself ever tighter around my soul with each passing day. 

If I had a " typical / normal " bf, then I could talk to him about my feelings. With mine that's simply never a possibility, since he's always more interested in everything as it directly concerns him. For him everything is, " Me... Me.. Me.. Me.. etc.. etc.. ". It's always about what he can buy for himself, and what he wants to do to entertain himself. Oh sometimes he " pretends " to care about what I want, but that's all it ever proves to be... him just pretending. I say this because no matter what he asks me about what I want, he ALWAYS does whatever he wants to do ! ALWAYS ! It never fails ! I get so sick of this at times, that sometimes I'll tell him, " Why do you even bother asking me what I want ? " 

This morning was a rough start for him and I. He made the fatal mistake of nagging me about various things when I wasn't even fully awake yet ! He knows that's a bad idea, since he knows how he is when he's just getting up in the morning - or just getting up from a nap ! NOTHING I said to him was right ! I couldn't win ! Even when I tried saying the " opposite " of what I had said a moment earlier, still he would basically say I was " wrong " ! 

He just got back from going for a walk, and going to Walmart for some food items - plus a few movies, and a few video games. As he was coming back into the apartment his phone starts ringing. He doesn't answer it - probably because I gave him a dirty look, but he makes a point of NOT telling me WHO was trying to CALL Him ! He only said... " Why does it matter WHO it was ? " To that I gave him more dirty looks, and also growled at him. Finally he said that it was his Stepmother Taz that was trying to Call Him. He claimed that he had been trying to reach her by phone while he was out walking - and at Walmart. IF this was TRULY the case then it would make sense that she was trying to call him back. So I HOPE that he told me the truth, and it wasn't an EX-GF or some OTHER woman that wants to F##k him ! But... Who knows ???? I just HOPE and PRAY that he was telling me the TRUTH... the complete TRUTH ! 

Right now.... it's 5:02 PM... and he went into the bedroom to lay down, and take a nap. He claimed that he felt he could rest better now since he's gotten more things done. I hope that's TRULY the case ! I teased him that he's probably going to the bedroom to play with his NEW phone ! I Hope that his explanation was the TRUTH !