another day

This is the second day in a row I've been super depressed. Woke up crying this morning. I'd never done that, but I have about 3 times in the past month. Just trying to get through the days. I'm scared. I was so happy with my life not that long ago--I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. I'm just going to feel torn and damaged forever. 

Torn. That's a good word for it. I feel like someone ripped my heart open and it's never going to heal. 

Took Sawyer down to visit one of the neighbors. Just needed to get out and talk to another human being. Once I move I won't know anyone. At least not at first. Thinking of taking some dog training classes with Sawyer. He could use the training (as could I) and it will get me out and seeing other people. Look into some other classes once I get settled.

I just kind of feel like my life is a horrible mistake. Seeing my therapist tonight. That should help a little. At least I'll probably have a good cry. Seeing my dr. Monday. See if they can give me something to help me sleep. Last night was bad--I didn't really sleep, just sort of napped off and on. Part of me thinks I'll feel at least somewhat better if I can sleep. Another part is afraid it won't help and I'm just doomed to feel like this.  

Seeing the grandkids Saturday (Leslie's birthday). If the weather's good we'll go to the zoo. If not we'll just hang out. I can play with the girls at least. My sister is still not answering the phone or calling back. I wonder if I'll hear from her before Leslie's birthday. I'm not chasing after her. Sorry, she should be calling me to see how I'm doing. I don't want to deal with her nonsense. This is something she does--she'll not talk or call or anything for months, then she'll call or email me and get all nasty that I "don't care about" her. Phone works both ways, and I'm here with a dagger in my heart. If all you want to do it twist it, I don't need you. 

Trying to work. It's not going well. Can't concentrate for long. Fell asleep before. Have a headache. I need something happy. I want someone to hold me and let me cry.