another day....
What did I do today? I brought my male kitten to the vet to be neutered. I lined up 4 apartments to look at tomorrow. I talked to my sister--maybe twice, I'm not sure. I talked to Buck. I got a text from Les' bio dad--didn't answer. Cousin Ed called--didn't seem to know what to say, but he called. I fell asleep and as a result, arrived 20 mins late for my therapy session. Asked my counselor why I'm feeling more angry at my ex-partner than I am upset about Leslie. She said I'm deflecting. That it's easier to handle the emotion of being angry at Cliff than that of losing Leslie. I suppose that makes sense. I really wish I could cry--hard--and get some of this out of me. Brian called me later to see how I was doing. He's done this every day. I appreciate it. I told him about the issue I'm having with crying and he said it will come. Maybe after the funeral. Maybe when I'm up there. Right now the idea of Brian holding me while I cry sounds so good. He's a good friend, who's been through so much himself.
I went to Target--didn't really need anything, but I wanted to get out. I bought new blackout drapes for the bedroom. Not sure why--the old ones are OK, and the new ones are pretty much the same color. And I'm moving anyway--they may not work in my new apt. I don't know. Nothing makes sense. Had mushroom ravioli for dinner. Picked Claude up from the vet. Made a list of the appointments I had to look at apartments. Emailed back and forth with a couple of friends a little bit.
Just kind of a nothing day. Another day of numbness
Replies
Hello my friend, you are doing as well as you can. You were able to get some errands done, especially an important one; bringing your kitten to be neutered. You emailed, you got out of the house, you made some phone calls, you wrote a journal entry. I'm proud of you - I know it's terribly difficult.
I focused a lot of my anger and energy at the Boston Coroner's Office. It took them 8 months to tell us why Eddie passed. I actually put in a formal complaint due to the way we were treated by that office and got some changes made. While I did have reason to be angry with them, I was also deflecting. It was easier to be angry than to feel such profound grief. And it's ok. It served me well to stay in anger for a bit, but then I learned I must allow myself to feel the unspeakable sadness. And to come out on the other side of it.
I'm so very sorry. I know how horrific the first weeks are. But just like you did today (well done), just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Moment by moment, hour by hour, one day at a time. Eat as healthfully as possible, rest when you can, stay hydrated. This is the battle of all battles, but you will survive and begin to heal and even thrive. The pain changes and lightens over time. Tight hugs and much love to you and dearest Leslie, Linda ♡
You are doing your best in this "foreign land of grief" that no one prepares any of us for, most especially with the loss of a child. I believe the numbness is actually very necessary in those first days, weeks and months. You will feel each layer as it comes and also hopefully have some breathing room too in the midst which is vital. There is no "one size fits all" for this grief path and how you are dealing with it is what is needed for today.
One step at a time and keep BEing as gentle with yourself as you can. Linda's suggestions were on the mark and sometimes so very hard to remember when steeped in acute pain and sorrow, I know.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie