Another chapter...
True confessions . . . . Well here I am again - writing the next chapter in this journey. On June 20 I won a jackpot; I had no interest in returning to the casino and I thought that this had done it for me.... all of the other times/years, going I always wanted to win a big jackpot and walk out with a lot of money (relatively speaking . . ) so I did. I thought - wow; it actually happened to me and why go back? No need - I've won a big jackpot.
Anyway, about 3 weeks later, the story changed; I went and I have gone a 2nd time, putting approximately 1/2 of the $$ back in to try to win again. Sound familiar?
I have been on this road a long long time, as many of you know. And I know better... But - it is a constant battle and unless I completely stay away, the problem never goes away - actually, as all of us have said, it is never really gone.
The saving grace here is that at some time in the near future, we will be living in a place without casinos close by, so that is great. I will have no choice but to quit completely and that is the plan. While I am here, the temptation is always here.. I have no excuses for myself in this regard . . I'm the only one to blame.... for my own behavior and I take responsibility for it.
Needless to say, I feel depressed, torn, ashamed, and somewhat defeated with this addiction. Honestly, though, life in the other parts of my life has been extremely stressful and time consuming. I have NOT made an effort to go back to GA... I went once for a few months and was able to stay away with their assistance, so I know it works.
Thanks for letting me vent on this site. I don't like the person I am when I am in the casino environment yet it is hard to get that perception of fun, winning, adrenilin rush out of my head.. it's the craziest damn thing I've ever gone through in my life.
I admire those that have conquered it; I know what it takes and when I do have successful periods of time away, I do feel good about myself and life.
I have taken up drawing and painting (watercolors), so I'm hoping this will help me divert when urges do come along.
Take care everyone -hope you are successful in your battle with this demon!
Smokeygirl
Anyway, about 3 weeks later, the story changed; I went and I have gone a 2nd time, putting approximately 1/2 of the $$ back in to try to win again. Sound familiar?
I have been on this road a long long time, as many of you know. And I know better... But - it is a constant battle and unless I completely stay away, the problem never goes away - actually, as all of us have said, it is never really gone.
The saving grace here is that at some time in the near future, we will be living in a place without casinos close by, so that is great. I will have no choice but to quit completely and that is the plan. While I am here, the temptation is always here.. I have no excuses for myself in this regard . . I'm the only one to blame.... for my own behavior and I take responsibility for it.
Needless to say, I feel depressed, torn, ashamed, and somewhat defeated with this addiction. Honestly, though, life in the other parts of my life has been extremely stressful and time consuming. I have NOT made an effort to go back to GA... I went once for a few months and was able to stay away with their assistance, so I know it works.
Thanks for letting me vent on this site. I don't like the person I am when I am in the casino environment yet it is hard to get that perception of fun, winning, adrenilin rush out of my head.. it's the craziest damn thing I've ever gone through in my life.
I admire those that have conquered it; I know what it takes and when I do have successful periods of time away, I do feel good about myself and life.
I have taken up drawing and painting (watercolors), so I'm hoping this will help me divert when urges do come along.
Take care everyone -hope you are successful in your battle with this demon!
Smokeygirl
Replies
SG, yes, the story is oh-so-familiar. A wonderful guy at my meetings calls it temporarily holding their money. We go back chasing that adrenaline rush and end up in self-disgust. Lady, I know you got what it takes-you will make it. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of this forum. I very much admire you. Love and hugs- E