Another bad day... when will it end?

I left the safety and sanctity of my home... I took a
risk and ventured out in to the scary place that
everyone else describes as "reality"... and once again
have found myself crushed by the gravity, the
realness, of the world... and like a dog who's been
beaten to near death, I ran home as fast as my weak
limbs could take me, tail tucked between my legs, to
find a small dark place to hide and lick my wounds...

INTERPRETATION:

I went to the doctor this morning for a physical,
including the much dreaded pap smear. I sat in the
waiting room, anxious, fearful, all eyes on me as my
knee bounced faster and faster trying to speed up time
and get it over with. People always stare at me when I
go to the doctor. Because of my latex allergy, I have
to wear a mask to keep me from inhaling
life-threatening airborne latex proteins. People look
at me like I'm contagious. As if I have the plague. I
avoid making eye contact, because that inevitably
invites the staring eyes to start asking questions. I
do not want to sit in the waiting room detailing my
medical history to strangers. I'm already
uncomfortable enough being out of the house without
having to explain myself to someone who's probably not
really interested in what I have to say beyond telling
them that I am not threatening their health by being
in the same room with them. Fortunately, I did not
have to wait long before my name was called. Same
routine... step on the scale... the nurse informs me
I've lost another 11 pounds in the last 5 weeks... I'm
shown to an exam room where I am invited to sit... I
notice the tray next to the examination table, all
prepped for my pap smear, with a pair of obviously
latex gloves draped over the speculum and a few other
torture devices I do not know the names for... I point
out that I am allergic to latex (It's written in bold
red letters all over my medical chart) and he says
something flippant like "duh" and removes the gloves
and throws them in the garbage... so then I give him a
brief description of the severity of my allergy which
is worse on mucus membranes (um... the vagina is
considered a mucus membrane) so after touching the
latex gloves to dispose of them, he starts reaching
for new supplies to prep the tray... I have to ask him
to dispose of everything on the tray, WASH HIS HANDS,
then re-prep the tray... he apologized for his
ignorance and did as I asked (this particular nurse is
very sweet, and Max and I are pretty sure he's gay)...
ok, new tray prepped, let's get on with the exam... he
takes my blood pressure and exclaims "Excellent!"
which is what I always hear about my blood pressure...
the number on the scale always makes people assume
that my blood pressure is going to be high... an
assumption that could have cost me my life once when
an EMT made the same assumption and overdosed me on
morphine... back to today... the nurse asks a few
questions, gestures to the gown on the exam table and
asks me to get undressed... I've never met this doctor
before and I'm already climbing the walls with anxiety
so I ask to meet the doctor first, teasing by saying
"I don't even get naked on the first date, I would be
more comfortable if I met the doctor first"... so the
nurse went to go get the doctor... she was not the
kind and compassionate person Max had made her out to
be... she did not smile, she hardly asked me any
questions (which should be a normal part of a "full
physical") then got up to leave so I could disrobe...
fast forward... laying on the table in a gown that I
could have fit 3 of me in (quite the opposite of what
I'm used to) trying to relax through the doctor's
lecture on breast exams... blah blah blah... she gets
down between my knees and I obediently spread 'em as I
explain to her that I have a tilted cervix and can
sometimes be difficult to get a view... she tries the
first COLD speculum, apologizing and informing me that
her warming table is broken, says she can't find my
cervix... she graciously covers my knees with the over
sized gown before sticking her head out the door to
call down the hallway "Todd! Stacey! "Goldmember"
please (which is code for "bitch with really deep
pussy in here"... the nurse has to run downstairs
(presumably where they keep all of their torture
devices) and returns with a speculum that they call
"Big Mama"... the doctor corrects the nurse and sends
him away again to find the LONG speculum, not the BIG
speculum... we try to joke about it, but I am in
agony, just wanting to get this all over with so I can
go home... ok, take two... doctor finally has the
right instrument, warms it under hot water this time,
then back between my knees to hunt for my cervix
again... she still can't find it and insists that I
come back first thing in the morning when my cervix
should be more accessible... I ask her to try again
and she replies "I'm not into inflicting pain on
people".... I sob uncontrollably as I realize that
she's telling me I am going to have to go through this
all over again tomorrow... I explain to her through my
tears that it takes too much for me to even leave the
house, there is NO WAY I can do this two days in a
row... the doctor leaves the room and tells me the
nurse will return shortly with a new appointment... I
am crushed... I am afraid I can't move... this male
nurse will be back momentarily, and I am supposed to
be dressed by then... I roll off the examination table
and walk over to a little cubby in the corner that has
been designated the changing area, and collapse on the
bench, my head against the wall sobbing so loud I am
sure the whole office can hear... I manage to get
completely dressed by the time the nurse returns and
he hands me the appointment card and explains that the
appointment will be on August 25 instead of tomorrow
morning... it is little consolation at this point... I
feel uncared for by someone that is getting paid to
"care" for me... I ask the nurse to explain how far
away that is since I have no idea what today is let
alone how far away August 25th is, all of this while I
am still trembling and crying... I explain that I am
agoraphobic and that it takes a lot out of me to just
leave the house... he puts a loving hand on my
shoulder and explains to me that his mother was
agoraphobic for years and that he completely
understands and that he's proud of me for even being
there... then he asks me if I'm the "hugging" type
because he feels the need to hug me... I nod my head
and he hugs me and I fall apart... at least SOMEONE
cares!... i cry on his shoulder for a moment before I
pull away, stuff my appointment card into my backpack,
thank him for his kindness and high-tail it out of the
doctor's office, straight for my car... I can't get my
mask off fast enough to clean up the puddle of snot
that has accumulated inside... once I'm all cleaned
up, I light a cigarette, put on my seatbelt, start the
car, and throw in a NIN CD that I cannot recall if I
have ever listened to before and crank it up (anyone
who knows me knows that I cannot stand loud music, but
today it was a welcome distraction from the trauma I
had just put my mind and body through)... seems like
it takes forever to get home (I live about a mile and
a half from the doctor's office)... Trent Reznor's
voice in my head repeating over and over "too fucked
up to care anymore"... how poetically appropriate...

Now I'm home... still crying off and on... and once
again I tried to be a good little robot, play by the
world's rules, do what I am told and every time it
ends the same... I am home... alone... feeling like
shit... feeling completely abandoned.... and no one to
even talk to...