another auld lang syne
Another year down...I would love to hope next year will be better, but it holds many challenges and I am not exactly an optimist. I really miss my old life, the person I was, most of all, having my child. As we all know, holidays are so difficult. I try very hard to stay in the moment, however there are terrifying times when I let my mind wander, and I fear a time will come when I look back on this time of my life with longing. I didn't think life could get any harder after I lost Cassi, but it keeps throwing punches anyway. Nothing can hurt me like losing her hurt me, but the added difficulties just seem cruel. Looking back, way back, I never remember a time when I was carefree, that just hasn't been my life. But at the time, the problems I had were hard on me and I didn't know how unimportant they were. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. So by that line of thinking, I should be enjoying everything I possibly can about life now, but I am stuck in the loss of Cassi. I still haven't accepted it and doubt I will in this life, just being honest. I wonder, who are these people with whole families, healthy, happy, financially comfortable? I know they exist, but I can't relate to them. Losing Cassi really did a number on me. I wish I'd had one of those picture perfect lives, but it didn't happen. I believe I will have to wait for the next life to find out why.
Replies
I will never know the answer, to all of the "why" questions I have either!! Sometimes I can hardly believe my husband has been gone for twelve years, much less my son gone for six yrs. I guess we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. .... Love you, Gina
I have never had a carefree life either. I am not sure there is such a thing really. The more I see into other people's life, the more I see the unhappiness that is just below the surface.
Our parents and grandparents never expected their lives to be easy.. I think we look for that happiness because we have been thrown that crap all through our lives by media. Drink this, eat this, read this.. none of which has improved my life or the lives of anyone we know.
It is an unspoken rule, it seems, to make other people think we are living the dream. I have all I can do to walk out of my house..
I dream of being with you ladies at retreat.. that is how I throw some hope into the mix. I can't wait to get to know my roommates a little bit.
"Me too." Missing SO many parts of my old life too and must admit that I look at my friends and family who have "intact" families and feel deep pangs at times. I know they cannot know and I don't want them to what it would feel like to have to lose a child or children as some of our moms have had to. Not once, but twice... Deepest of sighs. It's always present for us, just below the surface and sometimes front row and center. Thank goodness we have one another and can say it like we feel it.
May 2018 BE as gentle as it can be for us all. These earth suits are something, aren't they? I remember my dear late mom saying she prayed for a "one way ticket" out of here as she felt SO done. She too had lost her son, my brother, and I understood completely.
Thinking of you, Gina, and your family situation and hope you feel your sisters of the heart standing beside you.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Gina, I'm so with you. Never had an easy life but honestly it was a breeze compared to the pain of Ed's passing. And as Joanie said, I feel the pangs as I observe intact families but never wishing this devastation on anyone. For me, it's one day at a time, with my best effort to honor God and my son. I know you are going through a lot right now, in addition to longing for your daughter, Gentle hugs and much love to you and precious Cassi, Linda
As well as missing my Son, I miss the way I was. Now like you only a shell it fills very slowly and sometimes I find a leak. I try to blend in with others who have not suffered as we have. It is not always easy, I can blend if they do not know my story as you know it will leak out somehow. People do not treat us the same or just ignore our pain and move forward into darkness.
Besides dealing with the loss of our children we also suffer by the actions or inactions of others. I believe they make life harder to deal with because of their lack of knowledge.
I do hope this new year brings you some happiness, into your life.
Tight hugs Penny