Anguish

7PM: Crying my fucking eyes out for the umpteenth time...third time today...SO depressed, anxious, desperate, lonely, hopeless, helpless...I'm a total failure. Update - I got laid off 1/6/09. My hope is waning every day. I wonder how long will it be before it's completely gone. I think of suicide all the time but can't tell anyone because they'd get upset with me. The only reason I'm still alive is Justin (my bf). I have no friends, my family is a joke; we barely speak and when we do it's mostly strained and fake-happy. I'm ugly and stupid and overweight and nobody likes me except for Justin. I can't believe how I totally blew my interview today (I've been on about 25-30 interviews since September)... I was SO excited - it was a position at the hospital where I used to work. The interview was going fine until they asked me who I reported to previously and then they asked me what those people would say about me. The question caught me completely off guard and I choked liked the fucking idiot I am and actually said "Well, I didn't leave on good terms..." and just like that the thing was over and I was crying in one of my old coworker's office for an hour.  I joined some coworkers for their lunch and they convinced me to call the woman and apologize and explain that I was just nervous and feel the need to explain myself and what I have to offer. At first I basically said (in my head) "Fuck off that's idiotic and I would feel so foolish and they would never hire me anyway, even if I did call them" but it was gnawing at me so I actually DID call her and leave a message...it made me feel marginally better. After sitting with them I was supposed to meet people from my old (more recent) job for lunch and they didn't show (they had called my house phone and left a message and sent me an email but I don't have a cell phone so I didn't know they weren't coming). I waited and waited, getting more and more depressed, then left and caught the bus home. I came home and really just lost it. Justin was basically walking on eggshells around me until he went to work at 2:30. Been miserable since... I didn't go for my daily walk today. It's cold and I just want to sit here and cry and then keep watching TV. All I do lately is eat (too much), sleep (poorly), watch TV (waaay too much but it's a form of escapism for me), and look for jobs. I've never felt so hopeless/helpless in my whole life.  I've never felt like such an utter failure. I've never had a license, still don't know how to drive, I can't afford anything. I've been on ONE vacation in my adult life - one overnight in a crappy motel in Vermont - joy. I wish I could get a car, learn to drive, go on a nice vacation, buy a home, etc. but I feel like all of these things are so out of reach and it upsets me so much. I feel like I'm barely alive, barely existing...just scraping by with no goals, hopes, purpose. I'm constantly sabotaging myself but I don't mean to and then after it happens all I can do is cry and beat myself up. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I am just totally useless. I miss having dreams and hopes. I miss being thin too. Being even just slightly overweight (really not toooo bad - I'm 5 feet and used to weigh 105 at my thinnest and now weigh 130) is only making me more miserable yet I lack motivation to fix it completely...I'm being a lot more careful about what I eat and trying to stick to a workout routine but it's not doing a fucking thing.  It's 8PM now and I am starting to "dry up" a little. I read some suicide hotline websites and then remembered this place. I can't seem to reach out to anyone, not even a stranger at a suicide hotline, but maybe I can find a friend here. Even just someone to talk to for a few minutes and relieve some of the pain. My head is killing me and my eyes are so swollen. I'm sick of the pain and feeling like life will never get better. I'm sick of feeling like I'll always be struggling and just barely making ends meet. I feel suicidal. In a bad way. But I'm gonna try and keep going for Justin's sake because I know he would be absolutely devastated/traumatized if he came home and I was dead. I can't do that to him. I may be a useless, ugly, stupid idiot, but I'm not that mean. Sometimes I wish I was religious and could just shrug off this nightmare life and say "It's God's will...God will provide blah blah blah"...sigh...ignorance really must be bliss...