Angry, Rambling, Full Disclosure
Visited elderly relatives in Tennessee the last few days, and as they are wont to do, they had to share all the news of cousins, distant relatives, people I don't know and never have met. It really, really bothers me to hear of the children being born to young people my daughter's age and grandchildren being born to people my age...How can my mother-in-law so blithely discuss such sensitive issues with me??? And why can't I just speak up and tell her to shut up???
Okay, Full Disclosure...In my mind, the world revolves around me now. More importantly, it all comes back to Cassi. Period. I have a slow burning anger, that sometimes flares up...towards anyone who has never lost a child. Just like you don't know what the truest, purest form of love is until you have a child, you don't know the blackest pits of despair and pain unless you lose a child. I can not completely love anyone who has not experienced it. It's not that I want any other parent, ever, to know what this feels like...But By God, I want to be acknowledged for it. I have survived the impossible...I want everyone to keep that in mind when they speak to me and treat me with the respect I deserve. I feel like a thousands of years old Queen who should be approached accordingly. I feel like my name should be spoken with quiet reverence, the precious name of my child more so. Cassi, Cassi, Cassi...she is all I care about, all I want to talk about, and all I want to hear about.
Watching the News...it blows my mind how much time and attention is given to the most inane topics and stories...I don't give a damn about studies about concussions in football...I don't give a damn about the Republican debates...I don't give a damn about breast cancer awareness...like I said above...all I care about is Cassi and anything and everything concerning Cassi. I am very, very selfish in my grief. I surrender to it, I sit with it, my sad, quiet companion that would not exist if I had not given birth to the most exceptional child August 20, 1991. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief...and oh-my-goodness it is deep.
Oh Cassi...Oh, how I loved her...every minute detail...her hard edges and her soft curves...her potty mouth when driving in rush hour traffic and her sweet, sad tears over the death of a stray dog she didn't know and had never met..just observed wandering down the road on her way to school then lifeless by the side of the road on her way home from school, a victim of heartless traffic.
This incredible person, Cassi, existed in this world. She doesn't anymore. HOW IN-GOD'S NAME, HOW can this still hit me like a ton of bricks??? And why isn't this whole damn world grieving with me??? How an SHE be here, then not here??? It still doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make ANY kind of sense that the last 24 years have been wiped out of existence...She was my life, She was my everything. SHE WAS EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING...
SHE. WAS. EVERYTHING.
Where is my baby? Why did this happen? I could have lost every other person I loved, all together and all at once, and it wouldn't have hurt this bad...I could have sat through 100 funerals, with Cassi by my side, and I would have been okay. It would have been hard, but with HER by my side there would have been hope, there would have been comfort, there would have been a future. Not this miserable existence where survival equals suffering and each day I must force myself not to dwell on the holidays, not to dwell on the future...just concentrate on getting through another day, knowing it's another day closer when the time will come when I will be reunited with HER...I HAVE to believe it...someday we will be TOGETHER again.
Please pray for me.
Okay, Full Disclosure...In my mind, the world revolves around me now. More importantly, it all comes back to Cassi. Period. I have a slow burning anger, that sometimes flares up...towards anyone who has never lost a child. Just like you don't know what the truest, purest form of love is until you have a child, you don't know the blackest pits of despair and pain unless you lose a child. I can not completely love anyone who has not experienced it. It's not that I want any other parent, ever, to know what this feels like...But By God, I want to be acknowledged for it. I have survived the impossible...I want everyone to keep that in mind when they speak to me and treat me with the respect I deserve. I feel like a thousands of years old Queen who should be approached accordingly. I feel like my name should be spoken with quiet reverence, the precious name of my child more so. Cassi, Cassi, Cassi...she is all I care about, all I want to talk about, and all I want to hear about.
Watching the News...it blows my mind how much time and attention is given to the most inane topics and stories...I don't give a damn about studies about concussions in football...I don't give a damn about the Republican debates...I don't give a damn about breast cancer awareness...like I said above...all I care about is Cassi and anything and everything concerning Cassi. I am very, very selfish in my grief. I surrender to it, I sit with it, my sad, quiet companion that would not exist if I had not given birth to the most exceptional child August 20, 1991. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief...and oh-my-goodness it is deep.
Oh Cassi...Oh, how I loved her...every minute detail...her hard edges and her soft curves...her potty mouth when driving in rush hour traffic and her sweet, sad tears over the death of a stray dog she didn't know and had never met..just observed wandering down the road on her way to school then lifeless by the side of the road on her way home from school, a victim of heartless traffic.
This incredible person, Cassi, existed in this world. She doesn't anymore. HOW IN-GOD'S NAME, HOW can this still hit me like a ton of bricks??? And why isn't this whole damn world grieving with me??? How an SHE be here, then not here??? It still doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make ANY kind of sense that the last 24 years have been wiped out of existence...She was my life, She was my everything. SHE WAS EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING...
SHE. WAS. EVERYTHING.
Where is my baby? Why did this happen? I could have lost every other person I loved, all together and all at once, and it wouldn't have hurt this bad...I could have sat through 100 funerals, with Cassi by my side, and I would have been okay. It would have been hard, but with HER by my side there would have been hope, there would have been comfort, there would have been a future. Not this miserable existence where survival equals suffering and each day I must force myself not to dwell on the holidays, not to dwell on the future...just concentrate on getting through another day, knowing it's another day closer when the time will come when I will be reunited with HER...I HAVE to believe it...someday we will be TOGETHER again.
Please pray for me.
Replies
Praying for you gina-you have expressed my heart....such an empty feeling, an endless pit of sorrow and pain. I too, find it difficult sometimes to hear of others but when it comes to relatives I would expect they would be different in how and what they talk to us about but they are not....people, people who just dont get it!!! It adds to the pain and that\'s why it\'s easier to stay @ home, safe, secluded, within our own walls....I\'m with you, Gina. (hugs)))) Vicki
Gina, I so very much understand you pain. Cassi is your world. Jennifer and Marissa were mine and I was so very stunned at their passing. I remember how angry I was when people said that time would heal me. I must say as I come up to Jennifer\'s 5 yr. angel day and Marissa\'s 10 in six months that I am now is a constant numbness but that I can function so that it is not on my face all the time. The memories are so helpful to me. How grateful I am to be their MOM. I know you feel the same about Cassi. What a blessing we have had. Wishing you some peace. Kathy
It is a sorrow and a loss that no one should ever have to endure and then to feel isolated because most are so uncomfortable or can\'t even begin to know how to BE with us just compounds the loneliness.
All that I can tell you is that not until after year three did I even begin to feel like I had a place in this world. The first years are a blur and there were a few anchor places to tie up to along the way when the waves became too choppy, yet not many. FMO has been \"it\" for me and continues to help me to heal in ways that are so unique because each of you understand.
Sending tight hugs of loving care, understanding and a soft place to land whenever you need it. I just wish this were not so for any of us. Deepest of sighs...
I care, GIna, and as do all your soths and Cassi knows... I have no doubt our children are trying so very hard to give us comfort when we feel like turtles without our shells in a brier patch.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Your words describe my heart also, dearest Gina! Sometimes I wish I could stand on the roof and shout out to the world just how much I\'m hurting inside!! We desperately need to talk about our beautiful children, even if it makes us cry. But the world outside doesn\'t want to hear it. This is so sad...........
Walking right beside you, my sweet friend.
Gentle hugs! xxx
Understanding; responding; full disclosure....
I SO get the anger! All of this is SOOOO f*d up!!! I stayed mad as hell, at everyone.....\"moms\" included, although on a milder level. My world was so upside down I couldn\'t express my pain, not the truth of it, in any way other than anger. I threw shit. I broke shit. I cursed everything and everyone....yes, including Spirit.
Several things helped me.
1. Spewing my anger. I HAD to get it out. I knew I couldn\'t hold on to that much anger inside my own mind, or I\'d lose my mind.
2. Kala. My amazing child has always, miraculously, been able to speak to me. And one day, while screaming and cursing at the top of my lungs, she interrupted my tirant with these words: \"Let go of the anger mom, LOVE is all that matters\".
3. Journaling EVERYTHING I felt, even if I journaled 10 times a day.
4. Reading a great book, \"when bad things happen to good people\". I read it at the right time for me....for where I was in my journey. A lot of hate ended while reading that book.
5. Dr. Phil. Yep, remember him. In an episode of Oprah he once told a grieving mother...who\'d been grieving 10 years, who hadn\'t changed anything in her daughter\'s room, hadn\'t really tried or even wanted to try to find her life again....this: \"The length of time spent grieving does NOT equal the level of love felt\". This was LONG before Kala\'s accident. But it stuck with me. Spirit filed it away I guess knowing one day I would need it. You see, and this is my \"full disclosure\" statement to all of this......how long, or how deep, or how anything, I grieve for Kala does NOT prove how much I love her or miss her. Kala herself turned it around on me. Once I said \"how dare I live and have joy in my life without her\"....and she quickly said, \"HOW DARE YOU NOT\"!!! No, it\'s not my grief, not my tears, not my pain, that tells the love story....it\'s the LOVE and JOY I CHOOSE to live in, in spite of the pain, that tells the story. And dare I say....with great fear of offending you or anyone else....when I hear anyone say with great love comes great grief, it pisses me off. It\'s like I\'m being told they love their child more than I love mine because they can\'t yet find their joy, and since I have been able to find some joy and relief from my deepest pain, I must be \"over it\". Again, this is just ME....just where I am TODAY.
6. Positive affirmations. I placed stick-it notes everywhere and I said them out loud to myself a hundred times a day. May sound silly, but for me, it was a good tool. The little messages gave me hope, gave me strength, and inspired me and most of all, I began being convinced \"I\" had a life worth living. \"Teri\" had value. And my value was far bigger, and dare I say, far more important to the world, than just being Kala\'s mom. Every life matters. Even mine. I had to choose what that life would look like, and what steps I would take to make it happen. This was driven by a deep desire to make Kala proud of me in the beginning, but as time went on, I realized I wasn\'t only LIVING life to make Kala proud, I was LIVING life, TERI\'S life, to make Spirit proud, to be proud of myself, to make a difference in our world, to make my own mark, not just shine another light on the mark Kala had made.
Yes Cassi was and is amazing!!! Nothing will ever change that fact! And yes, you are the best one to share her awesomeness with those of us who never had the pleasure of knowing her in this space and time. But darling, you must NOT lose GINA. Gina too is a powerful, amazing, awesome human who has a great story to be lived and to be told! Gina is not merely a teller of Cassi\'s journey; but must live her own unique story for the benefit of all, and mostly for the benefit of Gina. Being Gina, is your number one duty and the greatest gift, in my humble opinion, you could ever give to Cassi.
Tell Cassi\'s story, while Gina shines bright in her own story!
I pray some of this makes sense and none of it offends. I speak from a place of great love and respect for you my friend.
You are in my prayers and much LOVE energy is being sent to you~
Oh dear Gina. I feel your pain. I say aloud Cassi Cassi Cassi.
I am glad you are expressing those feelings of desolation, of heart break, of anger. It is so important to decompress. I feel honored that you share those feelings with us.
I too feel like throwing something at the TV when they gush on about the Kardashians. NOTHING compares to losing our precious girls. I have often said that my loving husband would be under the bus if it were a choice between him and my child.
I still get upset with people who change the subject when I mention Lisa. It hurts like crazy when my friends talk about their kids, grandkids etc. Yet I suspect I might do the same if the roles were reversed. I don\'t think I would but who knows.
Cassi was such a precious person. It is incomprehensible that you can\'t hug her. Please don\'t hesitate to come here and share your thoughts, memories and feelings.
You are doing what you need to do the get through this horror.
Love and tight hugs, M
Dear Gina, I am one with you.
can you feel my arms around you. I will gladly hug you for the next little while as I know this anger will pass and you will have joy when thinking of your Cassi
love
Dear Gina,
I read your journal last night and was at a loss for words...Yours was my last journal for the night...I wept as I went to bed thinking of your sadness and pain...understanding every word...feeling your outrage and your feelings of abandonment from your precious Cassi.
Tonight, after having you on my mind all day, I have come here to tell you how much I love you...that you are never alone...
Remember our conversation the other day in the car?
Energy cannot be destroyed...it changes form...
Cassi IS energy...
Love IS energy...
You ARE energy...
One of the most comforting things that someone told me once was that
I still had a relationship with my child, that it had not ended. It had now evolved to a spiritual level. Love has no boundaries--it is an eternal and everlasting energy force.
Love you,
AnnM
Oh dear Gina, I don\'t think I can add any more to the very wise and thought provoking words of the moms above. I truly remember this anger you speak of and it still surfaces from time to time. But I also believe that I will be reunited with my son one day.
Please try to feel my supporting arms around you. And you will be in my prayers dear friend.
Love, peace and tight hugs,
Diane
Felt just the same. Met with cousins a few years after Jacob\'s death, and he was NOT mentioned. I was not consoled. or thought about. It was my grand-daughter\'s bat Mitzvah in Boston. The family came from California, New York, all around, and no one said a word to me. Only my dtr., the host, mentioned our loss and I am/was so grateful to her for that. We do get forgotten and out of mind. No one can bare to think of such a terrible loss. It\'s verboten, and should be. No one can imagine the pain, and I don\'t want them to. It\'s enough that we are here, we care, and we know.
Years ahead for you dear soth, and you may not know it now, but down the road your hands will stretch out to comfort another. Love, abby