Angry at Everything
Today I got a postcard reminding me that I can order a Christmas wreath for my husband's grave, which I will do. However, unlike last year when the thought was comforting, this year I am angry - angry that a man who was so alive, so intelligent, so much a part of my life is now reduced to a headstone with a Christmas wreath! I want to just go to his grave and stand there and yell and rant and throw something. I don't even know who or what I am angry about - I am not angry at Stan for dying, nor at God, or anything I can name, really. I'm just angry about everything in life right now.
1. I am angry at all those statements about the "stages of grief" and how acceptance comes last. Well, folks, I have news for you because with me acceptance came FIRST. I was with my husband when he died, and I can tell you the reality set in within seconds. I knew he was dead, really gone, and not ever coming back. I DO NOT want people to talk to me about "acceptance". I want to know how to make sense of my life without him.
2. I am angry that I am not being heard! Why did it take 4 trips to the eye glasses place to convince the people there that I really did need my bifocals done with the line lower than most people? I have been wearing bifocals for 20 YEARS! Why would nobody take what I had to say seriously?
3. I am angry at the "guests" who came to the church-sponsored free meal that I volunteered at recently. They complained about the food, demanded certain portions, dishes, etc. as if they were at a restaurant and not a free meal. I wanted to tell them to go elsewhere if they didn't like our meal!
4. I am angry at the society that downsized me at age 59, would not hire me for another job, and now is telling me that I should not be taking my retirement at age 62 because I will be draining the Social Security fund by retiring early. I am also angry at being told that in order to be considered a productive member of society I should do volunteer work for free instead of staying home and doing something I enjoy.
5. I am angry at all the horrible things going on in the world - the people in Haiti who cannot get any real help since the earthquake; the elephants who cannot find water as shown on tonight's news; all the loneliness, suffering and pain in the world, and knowing that little if anything is being done about it!
6. I am angry about the two hour conversation I had recently with my sibling, trying to convince her that yes, our late mother DID love her, and in fact, probably favored her just a bit over me.
7. I am angry about not being able to lose weight, about the coming holiday season,..............I am just plain ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!
I am most angry about the fact that Stan is not here to talk to about all of this. He would SO understand! But there is that "acceptance" thing again - I know I am stuck with all this to deal with on my own. And that is exactly what I want right now - I want to put a sign on my door and a message on my answering machine saying "Go Away and Leave Me Alone! - I'll get back to you when/if I feel like it".
1. I am angry at all those statements about the "stages of grief" and how acceptance comes last. Well, folks, I have news for you because with me acceptance came FIRST. I was with my husband when he died, and I can tell you the reality set in within seconds. I knew he was dead, really gone, and not ever coming back. I DO NOT want people to talk to me about "acceptance". I want to know how to make sense of my life without him.
2. I am angry that I am not being heard! Why did it take 4 trips to the eye glasses place to convince the people there that I really did need my bifocals done with the line lower than most people? I have been wearing bifocals for 20 YEARS! Why would nobody take what I had to say seriously?
3. I am angry at the "guests" who came to the church-sponsored free meal that I volunteered at recently. They complained about the food, demanded certain portions, dishes, etc. as if they were at a restaurant and not a free meal. I wanted to tell them to go elsewhere if they didn't like our meal!
4. I am angry at the society that downsized me at age 59, would not hire me for another job, and now is telling me that I should not be taking my retirement at age 62 because I will be draining the Social Security fund by retiring early. I am also angry at being told that in order to be considered a productive member of society I should do volunteer work for free instead of staying home and doing something I enjoy.
5. I am angry at all the horrible things going on in the world - the people in Haiti who cannot get any real help since the earthquake; the elephants who cannot find water as shown on tonight's news; all the loneliness, suffering and pain in the world, and knowing that little if anything is being done about it!
6. I am angry about the two hour conversation I had recently with my sibling, trying to convince her that yes, our late mother DID love her, and in fact, probably favored her just a bit over me.
7. I am angry about not being able to lose weight, about the coming holiday season,..............I am just plain ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!
I am most angry about the fact that Stan is not here to talk to about all of this. He would SO understand! But there is that "acceptance" thing again - I know I am stuck with all this to deal with on my own. And that is exactly what I want right now - I want to put a sign on my door and a message on my answering machine saying "Go Away and Leave Me Alone! - I'll get back to you when/if I feel like it".
Replies
Sometimes a grief burst entails cussing, not crying. I know I\'ve been where you are with the anger. I pounded pillows, got in the car and cussed the universe, jourtnaled about it, and still had to be careful not to bite somebody\'s head off.
I hope today is a better day for you. Love and Hugs, Martha
l posted a journal this morning about the night Frank died and l wanted to howl at the moon for taking him,l did,t know what to do with the anger that had been building up inside me,l wanted to scream.l still feel angry but not the way l was at the beginning.l agree the stages of grief don,t always come the way they say,l haven,t read any book on grief,l just go by my own feelings,l know better than anyone how l am feeling,l do understand all you have written.
Alice
I hear you. I think that what is different about the way I feel as I go through this second year without Fabian is just that: anger. During the whole first year it was all about missing him every second of the day and night. It was all about the pain I felt and trying to get out of bed, and then make it through the day knowing that I would not be able to talk to him at all.
Now I still miss him just as much, but what has been added to that is the fact that besides missing him, there is room in my head for also missing all the plans and dreams we had of what our life together was going to be like. I\'m also grieving for that, and it just makes me angry. This anger makes me impatient to those who , it seems to me now, spend precious time complaining about silly things in life... and, oh well, I\'m ranting, but I do understand about the anger!