Angry at Everything
Today I got a postcard reminding me that I can order a Christmas wreath for my husband's grave, which I will do. However, unlike last year when the thought was comforting, this year I am angry - angry that a man who was so alive, so intelligent, so much a part of my life is now reduced to a headstone with a Christmas wreath! I want to just go to his grave and stand there and yell and rant and throw something. I don't even know who or what I am angry about - I am not angry at Stan for dying, nor at God, or anything I can name, really. I'm just angry about everything in life right now.
1. I am angry at all those statements about the "stages of grief" and how acceptance comes last. Well, folks, I have news for you because with me acceptance came FIRST. I was with my husband when he died, and I can tell you the reality set in within seconds. I knew he was dead, really gone, and not ever coming back. I DO NOT want people to talk to me about "acceptance". I want to know how to make sense of my life without him.
2. I am angry that I am not being heard! Why did it take 4 trips to the eye glasses place to convince the people there that I really did need my bifocals done with the line lower than most people? I have been wearing bifocals for 20 YEARS! Why would nobody take what I had to say seriously?
3. I am angry at the "guests" who came to the church-sponsored free meal that I volunteered at recently. They complained about the food, demanded certain portions, dishes, etc. as if they were at a restaurant and not a free meal. I wanted to tell them to go elsewhere if they didn't like our meal!
4. I am angry at the society that downsized me at age 59, would not hire me for another job, and now is telling me that I should not be taking my retirement at age 62 because I will be draining the Social Security fund by retiring early. I am also angry at being told that in order to be considered a productive member of society I should do volunteer work for free instead of staying home and doing something I enjoy.
5. I am angry at all the horrible things going on in the world - the people in Haiti who cannot get any real help since the earthquake; the elephants who cannot find water as shown on tonight's news; all the loneliness, suffering and pain in the world, and knowing that little if anything is being done about it!
6. I am angry about the two hour conversation I had recently with my sibling, trying to convince her that yes, our late mother DID love her, and in fact, probably favored her just a bit over me.
7. I am angry about not being able to lose weight, about the coming holiday season,..............I am just plain ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!
I am most angry about the fact that Stan is not here to talk to about all of this. He would SO understand! But there is that "acceptance" thing again - I know I am stuck with all this to deal with on my own. And that is exactly what I want right now - I want to put a sign on my door and a message on my answering machine saying "Go Away and Leave Me Alone! - I'll get back to you when/if I feel like it".
1. I am angry at all those statements about the "stages of grief" and how acceptance comes last. Well, folks, I have news for you because with me acceptance came FIRST. I was with my husband when he died, and I can tell you the reality set in within seconds. I knew he was dead, really gone, and not ever coming back. I DO NOT want people to talk to me about "acceptance". I want to know how to make sense of my life without him.
2. I am angry that I am not being heard! Why did it take 4 trips to the eye glasses place to convince the people there that I really did need my bifocals done with the line lower than most people? I have been wearing bifocals for 20 YEARS! Why would nobody take what I had to say seriously?
3. I am angry at the "guests" who came to the church-sponsored free meal that I volunteered at recently. They complained about the food, demanded certain portions, dishes, etc. as if they were at a restaurant and not a free meal. I wanted to tell them to go elsewhere if they didn't like our meal!
4. I am angry at the society that downsized me at age 59, would not hire me for another job, and now is telling me that I should not be taking my retirement at age 62 because I will be draining the Social Security fund by retiring early. I am also angry at being told that in order to be considered a productive member of society I should do volunteer work for free instead of staying home and doing something I enjoy.
5. I am angry at all the horrible things going on in the world - the people in Haiti who cannot get any real help since the earthquake; the elephants who cannot find water as shown on tonight's news; all the loneliness, suffering and pain in the world, and knowing that little if anything is being done about it!
6. I am angry about the two hour conversation I had recently with my sibling, trying to convince her that yes, our late mother DID love her, and in fact, probably favored her just a bit over me.
7. I am angry about not being able to lose weight, about the coming holiday season,..............I am just plain ANGRY AT EVERYTHING!
I am most angry about the fact that Stan is not here to talk to about all of this. He would SO understand! But there is that "acceptance" thing again - I know I am stuck with all this to deal with on my own. And that is exactly what I want right now - I want to put a sign on my door and a message on my answering machine saying "Go Away and Leave Me Alone! - I'll get back to you when/if I feel like it".
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