Anger and Control
I haven't really left my bed in two days. Besides getting up to get something to eat or to use the bathroom I've been hiding under my covers. I'm not sick, although allergies sometimes make me feel like I am. It's just that every time I try to get up and do something I get horribly angry. If I try to talk to someone, or worse, if someone tries to talk to me it's like I see red.
I've been told time and time again that I bottle up too much, that I repress my emotions when I shouldn't, especially anger. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I've actually surprised and even scared myself by noting how quickly I can bury things. The other week I let down some of my guard and started talking about some painful shit (it's rare that I do this, especially when sober like I was at the time). I started crying, I mean really crying, sobbing with tears running like rain, but quickly realized that I had somewhere I needed to be. With one breath I stopped crying completely. The tears dried up instantly, the sobs cut short and my entire demeanor changed within the blink of an eye. If a person had walked into the room a second earlier they would have seen a balling mess, but it's like someone changed the channel. The only sign that I was in hysterics moments before had were my red eyes and tear tracks down my cheeks. Those too were gone within a minute.
I don't think that's normal, for a person to be able to do that. Well, maybe normal isn't the right word... I don't think it's healthy. It's funny though, that people like to question my control over my emotions. They question it because I'm bipolar, which in their eyes means I should be a total mess. Of course those people have never watched me slam a barrier down like what I just described. Control? HA! I'd like to see them do better!
But that's besides the point. My point is, control comes at a price, one I didn't really count on. By holding back so much, it's like something broke inside. My mind and my feelings are always on lock down and I can't find the key when I need to let it out. Everything just builds and builds, but there's never a release, even when I want or need there to be.
Anger is the worst. Loneliness or heartache hurts when it stays bottled up, but even those emotions don't hold a candle to anger. In fact, they often turn into it. Now it's like I'm angry all of the time and I don't know how to not be.
Days like the past two happen after it's been building for months, but I have no outlet, so I turn on everything. Everything pisses me off to point that I want to scream and curse and break things, but instead I turn around and bottle that up too. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break away from.
Some people say that I should let it out, but A) I really don't know how and B) if I were to do that the consequences would result in my being homeless and the majority of my family not speaking to me anymore. My family is unfair. They can piss me off, upset and hurt me as much as they like, but if I complain, or heaven forbid, get angry, then it's treated like I'm in the wrong and I pay the price.
Is it any wonder that I've learned to suppress my emotions so well?
I've been told time and time again that I bottle up too much, that I repress my emotions when I shouldn't, especially anger. I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. I've actually surprised and even scared myself by noting how quickly I can bury things. The other week I let down some of my guard and started talking about some painful shit (it's rare that I do this, especially when sober like I was at the time). I started crying, I mean really crying, sobbing with tears running like rain, but quickly realized that I had somewhere I needed to be. With one breath I stopped crying completely. The tears dried up instantly, the sobs cut short and my entire demeanor changed within the blink of an eye. If a person had walked into the room a second earlier they would have seen a balling mess, but it's like someone changed the channel. The only sign that I was in hysterics moments before had were my red eyes and tear tracks down my cheeks. Those too were gone within a minute.
I don't think that's normal, for a person to be able to do that. Well, maybe normal isn't the right word... I don't think it's healthy. It's funny though, that people like to question my control over my emotions. They question it because I'm bipolar, which in their eyes means I should be a total mess. Of course those people have never watched me slam a barrier down like what I just described. Control? HA! I'd like to see them do better!
But that's besides the point. My point is, control comes at a price, one I didn't really count on. By holding back so much, it's like something broke inside. My mind and my feelings are always on lock down and I can't find the key when I need to let it out. Everything just builds and builds, but there's never a release, even when I want or need there to be.
Anger is the worst. Loneliness or heartache hurts when it stays bottled up, but even those emotions don't hold a candle to anger. In fact, they often turn into it. Now it's like I'm angry all of the time and I don't know how to not be.
Days like the past two happen after it's been building for months, but I have no outlet, so I turn on everything. Everything pisses me off to point that I want to scream and curse and break things, but instead I turn around and bottle that up too. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break away from.
Some people say that I should let it out, but A) I really don't know how and B) if I were to do that the consequences would result in my being homeless and the majority of my family not speaking to me anymore. My family is unfair. They can piss me off, upset and hurt me as much as they like, but if I complain, or heaven forbid, get angry, then it's treated like I'm in the wrong and I pay the price.
Is it any wonder that I've learned to suppress my emotions so well?
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