Anger
Besides the unbearable grief I have been consumed with anger. Mostly at my father's side of the family. My stepmother never wanted me around and did a number on my self-esteem which carried through to my adulthod. Trying to move through itI thought she would treat Cassi differently, surely her jealousies and insecurities would have faded and in the beginning it seemed to be so. However soon enough she started treating my precious baby the same way she had treated me. It wasn't my fault she fell in love with a man with children and certainly not my child's fault. But she grew up without a father and begrudged anything he ever did for us. Having no gonads, he allowed her to treat us this way. I tried so hard to make it work for years until it was just impossible and we all, me, my husband, and Cassi pulled away.
But that wasn't the worst. The worst was that when I lost Cassi, my step-monster stepped right up and caused as much drama as she could. I was at the worst point in my life and I finally unloaded on her all the pain and suffering she had caused us which she denied and my father backed her up. They didn't even come to the funeral. Now they have turned most of Daddy's side of the family against me...it is par for the course. They are the most hypocritical and manipulatative people in the world. They are at their church every time the doors are open.
Now, my favorite cousin's son jamie passed away and the services were i Jacksonville, Florida. I was unable to go but they went, to show the whole family what wonderful people they were when they, especially my father, did not attend his own granddaughters funeral 30 minutes from home much less offer his daughter support when I needed it the most.
My older sister and I are his children just as much as his child with his wife and Cassi was just as much his grandchild as the three their daughter have had. But we don't exist, and they don't care.
I don't blame them completely for Cassi's suicide but they played their part in damaging her self-esteem when she grew up being ignored while her cousins were treated like royalty. Exactly the way I was raised, I raised myself, while my little sister was a perfect doll, h so precious in their eyes.
I get so angry I have awful thoughts. I want my step-mother to know what it feels like to lose her child. I want my little sister to know what it feels like to lose a child. I just want the people who have hurt me and my child so much to get their share of pain...very dark thoughts.
I assume this is just a part of the journey I have to travel, anger has it's place.
But how can I make them understand the extent which they have hurt us, the extent of my anger, when they simply don't care...they can shrug it off their shoulders.
Dear God, please show me the way out of this darkness, it is only hurting me.
Replies
I wish your dad could see your post... but I am afraid it would make no difference... It seems like men just don't get it... I wish fathers could see how unfair they are... I see it all the time... when men remarry its like the children from the previous marriage or marriages cease to exist... and the women they marry... I guess they can't help not being able to totally love us... we're not their flesh and blood... and its natural for a mom to want everything for their children... but oh its so hard to be the children of people who divorce, remarry, etc. etc. etc. I lived it... my mother lived it. my daughter lived it and because my daughter died, her father remarried and so her children... my grandchildren are living it too... It is hard not to want to take a baseball bat to them and the women they marry... It surely does take a toll on our self esteem.
I am so sorry you have to cope with this. Hugs.
Do not feed into that anger. It won't touch them, but it can change you. It is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die. I understand your anger, don't think for a minute that I don't. I was raised with it too. Your best revenge is being a better person. Rising far over them.
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I like Lauri's saying about poison. It makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I am not sure how to deal with anger, other than to do what you have done and ask God to take care of it. Losing a child certainly make one think, "Why me?" Sometimes I work hard at trying not to be bitter about it. I think we all have to. I am sending love and tight hugs although I know it isn't enough...
Gina, I don't believe anyone can really understand this type of pain and anger and resentment to the root core from how and why and where it resonates. I think the world in general would be a more peaceful place if we really understood. Even those of us that have walked a similar path can not fully understand each other's deep down pain because we are all unique individuals.
I have tried and am still trying to come to terms with certain intense hurts in my life and as you said, all of these feelings can only hurt myself.
I am so sorry about your cousin's son, Jamie. So very sad. So much pain in this world. But where there is pain, there is also joy. We just have to let the light in and be open to receive it. Easier said I know.
I hope that these days are getting lighter for you. It's a long process but not impossible.
With much love and tight hugs,
Diane
I agree with Lauri - do not wrestle with a pig. You get all dirty and the pig loves it. There's no 'educating them' and there will be no win in the conversation. Instead, the negative karma will only continue. Let it go, and move on. Your life will be free of this as soon as you decide that YOU and your life are looking forward and not backward. This will eat you up as long as you keep trying to fix the sins of the past.
The only way "out" is "in" and that is where you are with your anger. Allow it to inform you, become a catalyst for change within you and then surrender it. It is a process that must be done over and over I have discovered because we are in these human bodies for a reason, to learn and to grow.
Sending you the tightest of hugs and loving care. I had two step mothers in my life and none of them ever could hold a candle to my mom. She kept the light glowing within me and your light is there too, Gina, as is Cassi's. I'm just so sorry that you were treated as you were and continue to feel mistreated. I will never understand the hurts of this world and so many of them begin within our own families. The one place that should be the softest to land within with those who love us well.
Healing hugs,
XO Joanie
Like you said,"rise above them". I have found and it's a daily work in progress for me. To be a better person than those who treat us poorly. I have found that if I hold the bitterness inside its like holding yourself hostage. Easier said than done. The people that are treating you this way will have to answer one day. Don't hold yourself hostage. Let your body be free from prison. Feel your emotion and then try to release yourself from the toxic people in your life and fall back on the people that treat you with respect and love you the most. I am so sorry as this would be so hard for me as well. It's hard to understand how people act the way they do. I am so sorry.
Hugs, Joan
I understand how you feel, Gina. I am struggling with the same thing. My own family was never a part of my Colleen's life, and they still don't care about or acknowledge my loss and pain. I withdrew from all of them, but that doesn't make my bitterness any less. I constantly pray to God for help and deliverance from this anger and bitterness. Yes, it is a daily struggle.
Gentle hugs. xxx
Oh Gina. One of the hardest lesson we have to learn or at least come to terms with is that the people we most need to support us are often the ones that will let us down. Even plainly not caring. There is absolutely NOTHING we can do or say that would change them. Even, as you write, your step mother experiencing her own ultimate grief would not soften her heart to you and your situation. I have a feeling that she would see her pain as so much more than your could ever be - in her eyes.
I could've written your journal. Not because of the damage my parents did but people that I truly believed were "family". To this day not one has reached out. It's been 3 1/2 years since Jason died and nothing. That is not a burden I choose to bare but damn it does the anger and bitterness weigh on my heart.
I do want to ask you a question that I am trying to come to terms with and find my own answer for. It's not a question you have to answer, just contemplate.
One of my greatest demons is my guilt over how so many, many people treated Jason like shit. I struggle to this day to forgive ME! For not doing more, for not standing up for my son, for not putting he and his sister first like I feel I should've. So my question to both of us is... "When are you going to forgive yourself?"
Love you girl. Keep journalling, keep coming here, keep reaching out.
xoxo Merrilee
Anger is another part of the journey. I was angry with Mike for leaving, my daughter is angry with Tara. Each of us has this part of us. Alyssa has never gotten over her anger, I have. Like everyone has said do not let them bring you down to their level. You are a much better person and so much kinder than the people who has raised you.
Keep your chin up show your power to overcome.
Tight hugs
Penny
It seems to happen in a lot of families. I have been remarried 20 years...2 years ago I received text after text that I am not welcome at my stepdaughters' and her dad is...He does not go now they have made him the enemy for standing with his wife...we were willing to work things out but she wasn't I was lucky raised by a step dad who treated me great...Sorry you have experienced such pain...