AND YET ANOTHER CHRISTMAS.....
December 23, 2009: Wow! It has been a month since I last wrote. How time flies. It is hard to believe this is the third Christmas without Scott. I miss him so much and am still so sad so much of the time. Recently, though, something started to change. I almost, just for a second, felt happy about something. It went as quickly as it came. I thought about that and realize I feel guilty when I have a glimmer of happiness. And, it feels like Scott is slipping away along with my intense grief. This is all a new one to me. I don't know how to process this. I sound nuts, I am sure. Even as I type this my throat is tightening. It is as though without intense grief I will be betraying Scott. I know that doesn't make any logical sense. And yet, it is how I feel. On the other hand I know Scott would not want me to stay so sad. He hated it when I was even a little down in the dumps. I just don't know what to do!
Replies
Ginger, I too am going on my third Christmas. It\'s hard to believe that we were here for the first, the second and now the third. It seems like yesterday and other times, a lifetime ago. The holidays stir up extra emotions and bring tears a bit quicker don\'t they? Just as you wouldn\'t want Scott to stay sad if you were gone, he doesn\'t want you to stay sad. Don\'t think you are betraying him by finding some happiness, think of it as honoring him by finding hope to find happiness again. Warmest holiday wishes for peace and comfort. Much love. Robin
Be good to yourself my friend... I too find when I have a moment of intense joy I feel badly but know that Anthony loved beyond all things to make me smile so I look forward now to those moments as I feel closer to him.. love to you my friend..
Ginger, You couldn\'t of written it better.. Thats how I\'ve been feeling, word to word.. Maybe its called acceptance, & we don\'t know it yet. I feel guilty, as though, I don\'t know if I want to accept it yet..Crazy huh!!! Ryan & Scott wants us to be happy..Ryan use to say to Erica, \"All I want is Mom to be happy\"... I have to keep hearing his words, when ever I start feeling guilty for being happy.. SO have a happy Christmas Eve, and a Very Merry Christmas!!!! Love to you, Kelly
I think that somehow moms think that IF they are happy they are \"over\" the loss of their children. And, I don\'t see us ever being over our horrific loss. We are just learning to cope with the loss and we are beginning to do that. Please allow happiness and joy back into your life. Choose to let happiness back into your life...choose it. Love to you and I was so glad to see that you had journaled...Karen
I pray for peace and hope that it comes and stays soon. I believe it is as others have said here. You should not feel guilty for your acceptance of your child\'s absence. As you say, Scott would not want you to be sad. I know my Brandon would not want this for me, either....but we have these days that are controlled by sadness all too often...embrace the days that are good. Love, Dale...Brandon\'s Mom
I know that our children would want us to be happy again. And when we are able to accept that happiness once again, they will be smiling upon us. Even though we will never be over our loss, I think we will learn to accept it one day, and then we can let our memories bring some happiness back into our hearts. Hugs to you, Kim
I feel the same. I recently had a talk with my therapist about the exact subject. I was told it was a normal part of our loss. I smiled when she said I was normal. Don\'t feel normal. I try to hold on to the idea our children would not want us to be this way. I know we will never be the same. Their love & memories will forever be in our heart & soul. Have a peaceful Christmas. Love & Hugs.
I feel the same way, like Nic is getting farther and farther away from me sometimes, and it\'s overwhelming, like almost to a panic! I don\'t know what to do with that feeling, but I get what you\'re saying about feeling guilty. Guilty for having even a little moment of excitement or happiness for Christmas, or for anything. Why do we do that? I don\'t know. I don\'t have any answers for you. Just know you\'re not alone in that feeling. Love and hugs, Julia
i too feel guilt when i have a glimmer of happiness, and i too feel my son slipping away.............
It is rough dealing with all we are going through. I just passed me first year. I don\'t think I smiled for the first six months. Nor could I follow a sentence anyone spoke to me or follow a paragraph in a book. I smile now and still feel guilt for that at times. But it is the strength of this group that has let me know that it is okay to smile now. It is okay to try to move on. And it is just as equally important to experience the grief. And I have learned that I am not alone on this journey. Love B
I am afraid of letting go of the grief also...of course mine isn\'t going to let go of me for awhile I am just starting this rollercoaster ride. I feel like I am doing ok then BAM!!! I get hit. People say Matt wouldn\'t want us to miss him...well they didn\'t know Matt like I do. He would be so hurt if we didn\'t grieve him deeply. But I wonder if he misses us too. Love to you my friend~Julie
I\'m on number 3 too and I know what you mean. It seems as we get less sad our angels seem to get farther away. You\'re right they wouldn\'t want us to be sad, it must be a Mom thing. No matter how sad or happy we are, we still love them and they us. Wishing you a good holiday season. Love and hugs Cathy