AND YET ANOTHER CHRISTMAS.....

December 23, 2009:  Wow!  It has been a month since I last wrote.  How time flies.   It is hard to believe this is the third Christmas without Scott.  I miss him so much and am still so sad so much of the time. Recently, though, something started to change.  I almost, just for a second, felt happy about something.  It went as quickly as it came.  I thought about that and realize I feel guilty when I have a glimmer of happiness.  And, it feels like Scott is slipping away along with my intense grief.  This is all a new one to me.  I don't know how to process this.  I sound nuts, I am sure.  Even as I type this my throat is tightening.  It is as though without intense grief I will be betraying Scott.  I know that doesn't make any logical sense.  And yet, it is how I feel.  On the other hand I know Scott would not want me to stay so sad.  He hated it when I was even a little down in the dumps.  I just don't know what to do!