AND THE HURT GOES ON!
1-8-10: Oh! My first entry of 2010! I am so glad the holidays are over! Christmas day was not awful. However, the day after, I lost it. So, instead of wallowing in sorrow, Craig and I invited a couple of really good friends over. We, including Adam and his girlfriend, ate chili, played Taboo for a couple of hours, got really drunk (not Adam and girlfriend), and danced until four the next morning. Did it make me hurt less? I don't know. What I do know is I had honest to goodness fun for a few hours and didn't think about "things". We did find out on December 28th that Chris and Sarah are having a girl. That means a grand-daughter in our future. I know NOTHING about girls but I think it might be fun. New Years was nothing special. But, we never really have done much celebrating, anyway. Craig, poor guy, got called into work for snow removal after only one hour of sleep. He worked twelve hours and was so very tired on New Year's Day. I just puttered around the house. Trust me, I have lots of puttering to do. It has been CRAZY cold here! Craig has been working twelve hour days for several days. Today will be the first regular day he will have. I was off work yesterday and today due to the minus twenty wind chill and the blowing snow. I am good with it! Even if we have to work a couple of days in June I would rather be home, safe, and warm! Yesterday though, almost as if a trance, I went back to when my kids were small and they had a snow day. I re-lived the sledding, snow angels, snowmen, etc. The memories made me ache. They were happy times to be sure. But, when I remembered all that life in Scott and thought about how his life is gone, it hurt. A lot. I don't want memories to be painful. I want to rejoice in them. How, or will, that ever be possible? And new memories...I have made them every day since Scott died. These new memories just don't seem to shine the way they should, or at least the way I think they should. Is it because Scott is not here to also share in them? Is it because of depression? Or is it just because? I don't know.
Replies
Glimmers of peace in the midst is what I feel when I read your entry. I do think this is possible and as I read others journals who are a little farther along on this path this is what gives me hope. I think there will always be the ups, down, and automatic pilot times yet I\'m yearing to create new memories and that baby girl who will be coming is such a reminder that the circle of life continues. How exciting for you and your family! Thank you for your thoughts today and a hug to you. XO Joanie
a baby girl .... how wonderful! oh you will learn enough about little girls!!! good days and bad days...we will always have them. but some days we find a little smile and a little laughter. know that i love you!! {{{hugs}}}
Congratulations! Girls are fun...you will have a fun time! Remind me, when is she due? My granddaughter (Evie) will be two years old on the 28th...so hard to believe. We can find happy times in every day...but our loss travels with us and our ache...I think...will always be there. Love to you and so good to hear from you...Karen
OH YES GIRLS are fun. My little one is 6 going on 10 and she loves to play dress up. When is the baby due? Hope that you can enjoy those memories as long as you can...Hugs, Connie
I loved that you danced.. I did this summer under the stars and it was amazing.. it made me feel so good.. we will always have the ups and downs but hopefully each day we will find peace and joy.. girls are so much fun.. enjoy..
congratulations on your granddaughter to be born....you will enjoy the shopping for pretty little girl clothes. I am glad you had some relief for even a short time. I find myself drifting into the past, too. We will always do that even more now that our children are gone. I don\'t think I did it that much before my son passed. I pray you have continued good days...God bless you...love and peace...dale, brandon\'s mom
Yes, I think it is just because. Because we have endured the most terrible loss a woman can experience in life. I know the emptiness that can just come out of nowhere, and it is part of this path we walk.
A grand daughter, how very wonderful. I hope that this new year can bring peace and healing. Love and light, Rebecca
Good food, good friends, and good fun.....sounds like a wonderful evening. I\'m so glad you allowed yourself to enjoy it. I had to laugh when I read that you don\'t know much about girls.....I thought, hey you ARE a girl, you gotta know something!!! LOL! Anyway, congratulations and please keep us posted.
Yes, the pain will forever be a part of our lives, but the good news is we still do have lives to live and our lives can and will include many joys.
Sending lots and lots of love, Teri.
You are blessed with having a new light in your life, Hugs and peace to you Nora
I am happy that you danced! I was just talking to my sister today about how a friend told me that living with the death of our child becomes a part of us that we live with. Like living with a chronic illness. We deal with it but try to find every bit of joy that we can in other places. We cannot dwell on it. It is wierd, but being with my remaining child hurts me even while I am glad to be with him. Makes sense? It is like a reminder that one of us is missing. The new year hurts. My son gets further away. So I understand all that you say. Congrats on the granddaughter!! Exciting news and something to surely look forward to. Love B
I think one day we will be able to rejoice in memories. While they will still make us sad because of the great loss we have, they will make us smile because we have them........memories. Glad you were able to let go and have some fun with family & friends. A granddaughter.....what a blessing she will be. Love & Hugs, Kim
I try and rejoice in the memories but they still hurt. New memories just seem awkward. But I guess that will change with time for me. Take it from me, you will love having a granddaughter. There is such a bond between grandmothers and their granddaughters! Mine is now 6 and quite a pistol! And since she no longer has her mother are bond is even stronger. Enjoy picking out the cute little baby clothes and wait till you see all the new and exciting things out there to buy! And the price! Congrats! Hugs Kay
i am not finding comfort in memories. i am not finding much comfort in anything, just existing right now. ..........ugh
Girls are great. I only have one granddaughter and five grandsons, no she\'s not spoiled. It makes me happy you danced, how great. Someday I hope the memories will not hurt but for me as well they still do. Hugs Cathy