AND THE HURT GOES ON!

1-8-10:  Oh! My first entry of 2010!  I am so glad the holidays are over!  Christmas day was not awful.  However, the day after, I lost it.  So, instead of wallowing in sorrow, Craig and I invited a couple of really good friends over.  We, including Adam and his girlfriend, ate chili, played Taboo for a couple of hours, got really drunk (not Adam and girlfriend), and danced until four the next morning.  Did it make me hurt less?  I don't know.  What I do know is I had honest to goodness fun for a few hours and didn't think about "things". We did find out on December 28th that Chris and Sarah are having a girl.  That means a grand-daughter in our future.  I know NOTHING about girls but I think it might be fun.  New Years was nothing special.  But, we never really have done much celebrating, anyway. Craig, poor guy, got called into work for snow removal after only one hour of sleep.  He worked twelve hours and was so very tired on New Year's Day.  I just puttered around the house.  Trust me, I have lots of puttering to do. It has been CRAZY cold here!  Craig has been working twelve hour days for several days.  Today will be the first regular day he will have.   I was off work yesterday and today due to the minus twenty wind chill and the blowing snow.  I am good with it!  Even if we have to work a couple of days in June I would rather be home, safe, and warm! Yesterday though, almost as if a trance, I went back to when my kids were small and they had a snow day.  I re-lived the sledding, snow angels, snowmen, etc.  The memories made me ache.  They were happy times to be sure.  But, when I remembered all that life in Scott and thought about how his life is gone, it hurt.  A lot.   I don't want memories to be painful.  I want to rejoice in them.  How, or will, that ever be possible?  And new memories...I have made them every day since Scott died.  These new memories just don't seem to shine the way they should, or at least the way I think they should. Is it because Scott is not here to also share in them?  Is it because of depression?  Or is it just because?  I don't know.