And so the cycle continues...

Ok, so I guess I just want to say thank you first. It’s nice to be able to vent here without judgment of feeling like someone is going to think I’m an idiot for still have feelings for my bf… Everyone here understands this stuff in a way that I don’t think anyone else would. He’s finally moving out which is great. I helped him set up his electricity last night, so the end is in sight. He apologized on Thursday and Friday for flipping out so much and being so mean. He’s being really sweet and clingy right now—and still really jealous which just feels weird to me. The thing is, I, unintentionally, kind of alienated most of my friends while we were dating; I wanted to spend all my time with him and I guess my friends and I kind of drifted. No one was really all that crazy about him so planning things together just never seemed worth it. And when I moved into my townhouse, I had to go north of the city where I could afford it, so now I live about 20 minutes or more away from most of my friends, which in Dallas is apparently really far for people. Anyway, it’s hard to just pick up where I left off with everyone so most weekends I end up hanging out with him. It seems like it always goes the same way—Friday starts out really well, at some point I start crying and by the end of the weekend I realize I’m an idiot for even trying to pretend (for the weekend) that things are fine. But I mean, regardless of this whole drug mess, I do still love him and when we aren’t fighting or he’s not blatantly using he’s my favorite person to be around. I guess when you’re with someone for more than two years it’s normal that they get you in a way no one else does and they are your favorite person to be around… I hope it is because I hope that I can find someone else that I love being with as much as him…We had a really good heart to hear on Friday night and I was really hoping that he was going to start actively confronting his addiction. I stayed up with him almost all night Friday between a Halloween party and then the talk we ended up having. Last night we couldn’t even finish our meal at dinner because he was so tired. So, we came home turned on a movie, and he said he didn’t think he’d even make it through the movie—so I went ahead and went to sleep. At 4:30 he was still awake. He admitted that he was using. Now he’ll probably sleep all day today. It’s not even just the addiction; it’s so frustrating that he can’t just spend one night with me and not use. It’s like it feels like he can’t bear to be with me unless he’s loading up on drugs—because he was clearly using a lot more than normal (I’m guessing coke?). I mean, why can’t he just go to bed with me during the movie and then get up at a normal hour in the morning? It’s not like this is a new realization, but it’s so frustrating that these drugs infiltrate every aspect of their and our lives. I know things aren't going to get better. I know he's not going to change any time soon. It just doesn't make it any less frustrating. I miss him. I miss the man he was when he wasn't using. And when he's being sweet, even though I know that I shouldn't, I do want to hang out with him. And all my friends are so busy now... As much as I've tried to distance myself from him emotionally--and I've made a lot of progess over the last few weeks--I still love him so much. And as much as I love him, I can't help but recognize that I'm not my best self with him. I don't have the same confidence that I used to. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I feel like his addictoin has drained away my confidence--even though everyone says you shouldn't, how can you not internalize thier addiction? Even though it shouldn't, it does make me feel inadequate. The way the drugs have removed his sex drive completely in the last year or so, it still makes me feel unattractive--or at least like I'm not attractive enough. I've never really felt that way before. This would all be so much easier if I could just stop loving him, if I could get my heart and my head on the same page. I can tell him that he's losing me and he still uses, and uses more on the weekend so it's like it's just the addiction, he's choosing to indulge extra, if that makes sense. Anyway, I don't know if I'm making sense anymore. I'm just frustrated. I knew that I shouldn't make up with him after he went nuts last week; I should have just let him be angry, but I couldn't help it. I mean, our love is real it's just being suffocated in this relatoinship. I don't know...