And so it begins....
Just to...I don't know....preserve the 'journey' I'm going to start off my journal by capturing some posts I've already done so I don't need to keep track of the original threads. A way to put everything in one place, I suppose. How else can you chart your progress if you can't find the markers you left behind? So. My first posting here, four days after The Bomb.
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Only a few days ago I was happy. I thought *we* were happy. We were planning and saving money for our 10th anniversary next year, even inviting other people to join us on the trip (to Walt Disney World which was where we'd gone on our honeymoon). I had no clue that all of that was just not true...the only unusual thing was that he'd started exercising the few weeks right before but he'd always been into and out of things that caught his interest. I was happy, he was not. We got home from work and he asked me to sit down, then told me he wanted a divorce. I wish he'd literally stabbed me in heart so I could have died on the spot, it would have been kinder and hurt a lot less. I spent the next two hours screaming and crying incoherently, trying to make sense of...anything. My entire world had just been shattered into bloody pieces and he seemed so....cool and distant, barely even looking at me, emotionless. He wouldn't say why, only that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he'd been feeling that way for years. Best emmy for acting, and you fooled everyone. When pressed over and over he finally said there was someone else he had fallen for but that they hadn't done anything, not even kissed. We both work with her, and she apparently went home that same night to tell her boyfriend she wanted to break up. When I said I wished we'd been in a car accident on the way home so I would never have had to hear that and just died in happy ignorance he called a friend of mine over. Once she got there he packed and just left without a word. He'd already arranged to stay with a mutual friend. I only found out later that I was in fact the *6th* person to be told that he wanted a divorce which just further devastated me. I've spent a lot of time since then trying to understand, a lot of time crying. I've had friends freaking out and trying to convince me not to do anything drastic but just to hang on, keep breathing, keep talking to them. And I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to...overburden my friends with my grief. I don't want to obsess over it too much with them, I don't want to see the pity in their eyes and have them start to turn away because I can't stop talking about it. Because I do still *need* to talk about it. It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. And that includes my mom killing herself a few years ago, not that that wasn't devastating because it was and I'm still working through that. Mom had always been depressed though for years so while it was still horrid to go through it wasn't entirely a surprise either. I just feel...like I can't breathe. Nothing makes sense any more. I don't know how to...trust anything, anyone. Not even myself. Maybe especially myself. Posted on 08/04/13, 12:01 pm
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Only a few days ago I was happy. I thought *we* were happy. We were planning and saving money for our 10th anniversary next year, even inviting other people to join us on the trip (to Walt Disney World which was where we'd gone on our honeymoon). I had no clue that all of that was just not true...the only unusual thing was that he'd started exercising the few weeks right before but he'd always been into and out of things that caught his interest. I was happy, he was not. We got home from work and he asked me to sit down, then told me he wanted a divorce. I wish he'd literally stabbed me in heart so I could have died on the spot, it would have been kinder and hurt a lot less. I spent the next two hours screaming and crying incoherently, trying to make sense of...anything. My entire world had just been shattered into bloody pieces and he seemed so....cool and distant, barely even looking at me, emotionless. He wouldn't say why, only that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he'd been feeling that way for years. Best emmy for acting, and you fooled everyone. When pressed over and over he finally said there was someone else he had fallen for but that they hadn't done anything, not even kissed. We both work with her, and she apparently went home that same night to tell her boyfriend she wanted to break up. When I said I wished we'd been in a car accident on the way home so I would never have had to hear that and just died in happy ignorance he called a friend of mine over. Once she got there he packed and just left without a word. He'd already arranged to stay with a mutual friend. I only found out later that I was in fact the *6th* person to be told that he wanted a divorce which just further devastated me. I've spent a lot of time since then trying to understand, a lot of time crying. I've had friends freaking out and trying to convince me not to do anything drastic but just to hang on, keep breathing, keep talking to them. And I'm trying, I really am. I don't want to...overburden my friends with my grief. I don't want to obsess over it too much with them, I don't want to see the pity in their eyes and have them start to turn away because I can't stop talking about it. Because I do still *need* to talk about it. It's the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. And that includes my mom killing herself a few years ago, not that that wasn't devastating because it was and I'm still working through that. Mom had always been depressed though for years so while it was still horrid to go through it wasn't entirely a surprise either. I just feel...like I can't breathe. Nothing makes sense any more. I don't know how to...trust anything, anyone. Not even myself. Maybe especially myself. Posted on 08/04/13, 12:01 pm
Replies
I remember reading this....and how it had me reminiscing of standing in the field of debris left from the aftermath of the heartless soul raping she gave me...I was so sad for you
Thank you BlueKnight, for the sympathy and for writing this. I know you know how it helps to not feel alone. It\'s been a bit eerie for me reading some of your journal entries too. A lot of what you wrote/write resonates pretty deeply with me too.