and it continues....
The day i wrote my last journal entry, i was determined to get back into writing them on a regular basis again. well... the next day i get a letter in the mail that says that i'm being sued by a credit card company for a debt that i have. Now some of yall know that i have been having sever financial problems. About three years ago i quit my job and started my own business. At first it was great, then suddenly there was no more work, and my wife got VERY sick. She could not work anymore, and hasent held a job since. Then due to a clerical error on my mortgage company's part my mortgage payment goes up since they had failed to take the proper amount for taxes and insurance. Its been all i could do just to keep the house and buy groceries. I had gotten very behind on the house, but i filed for loss mitigation and the mortgage company was actually very kind and helpful. I've been dealing with them to get my monthly note lowered. And then... I get this suit letter. I know that if i let this go to court they will win and i will be ordered to pay it all. When i cant my wages will get garnished and i wont have enough left over to pay the house note. So i just took a drastic turn and filed for bankruptcy. I hate doing it, but i cant loose the house. Well that whole process takes a HUGE amount of paper work and you have to take a credit counseling class. This has been taking up most all of my time. Then last night... the hot water heater springs a leak. Its on the second floor, and the drain pan overflows. So i had to rip out the ceiling in the downstairs bathroom. We don't have enough to buy a hot water heater until this coming Friday, so i took the old one out, caped of the water and gas lines so that i could keep the water turned on to the house. ( the water heater cutoff valve was defective. I could not shut the water all of the way off.)
Through all of this i have noticed something. When i wrote that last journal, I felt EMOTION. I FELT. Even though i was not feeling great, it was great just to be able to feel. During the fiasco of the past week or so, I have not felt. My old self defense mechanism kicked in. Detach, have no emotions, push every one away, shut everyone out, pretend like nothing is wrong.
What an idiot i am.
of course something is wrong. Lots of somethings!! yet, once again i find myself more upset about not being upset, than the real thing that i should be upset about.
I had another nightmare. Not the kind that wakes you up with a start, but the kind that makes your whole day seem sour and dismal. I do not remember the whole thing. ( I think i am thankful for that) I just remember the last little bit before i woke up. The scene was outside, treeless, wet and cold. There was a certain darkness that hung over the world that not only covered the light, but covered the soul. The landscape held the obvious marks of war. A war that was gone or perhaps had moved on somewhere else, for it was also very silent. I was laying on the ground, naked, unable to move. Around me there were hundreds of other people laying naked on the ground as well. They all looked dead, but then so did I. Next to us was a huge pit, and there were workers who were throwing the bodies into the pit. They picked me up and threw me in. I could not move or yell or talk or anything. I landed facing up on a pile of bodies. The workers spread what looked like fine powdered ash all over us, and then began to throw more bodies on us. I began to feel the weight on top of me. But the panic did not start to set in until after the workers started covering us up with dirt. I was looking at bodies that i could see in my line of sight, thinking to myself that I will probably be alive long enough to smell the other bodies decomposing and to feel the maggots and ants eating the flesh from my body.
I have not told anyone about that dream. For a very long period of time i have not remembered any of my dreams. My wife says that i still kick in my sleep, but ive been fortunate enough not to remember them.
What i dont understand is that i used to have great dreams. Really fun stuff that often felt like i should write down and use as storyline ideas. But ever since i told my wife about the SA... Nothing has been the same. Apparently even though i had never really forgotten about it, my mind was still able to lock it away safely way down in a deep hole so that i did not even have bad dreams. It was like telling her about that did more than just "let it out". When it came out it ripped a hole in my soul. Would it have been better if i had just kept my stupid mouth shut and not have said anything about it? I mean i behaved inconsistently and did not understand the reason behind it, but was that so bad?
I really need to do something creative. Something that helps me focus my "inner self". In real life i have a very oxymoronic manner about me. On one hand I am very much a person who keeps his emotions to himself. I don't like to be in big crowds, and I dont like to talk to people about anything real that is going on in my life. On the other hand... I'm good with talking to people (about stuff that does not matter), and actually like acting on stage in front of a crowd. I cannot do pure improve, but if i have a character, and basic script, I can wing it very well.
Ive been thinking of writing a screenplay. A musical. Ive been inspired by those three songs from my last journal. I think that musicals have a way of pulling on the emotions that no other form of communication can. Songs have the ability to mean different things to different people, and still be powerful to all at the same time.
The screen play would be about 4 different people who had all been sexually abused as children. It would be about there lives, and how the abuse affected them in the past, how it affects them in the present, and paints a picture of how it may affect them in the future. It would show life from our perspective. It would also, hopefully, show people why we sometimes act the way we do, and show them how this devastating act is not something that we can just "get over". It was something that was done during our developmental age. It is now part of us. It is something that we have to deal with. Something we (hopefully) can learn to cope with well, but it is certainly not something that we will get over. The ending that i have in mind for this screen play is something that is tormenting me right now. That is because it is an inspirational ending. An ending that is something that I would love to be able to accomplish for myself. That is why it torments me so much. I do not want to be a hypocrite. How could i write about a good proposed future, if i have not made it there yet? Still, on the other hand, writing about it, could help me develop a road map for healing. Anyway, the ending, the scary part of it at least, is about us (me) taking some sort of stand to raise public awareness of not only the tragedy of child abuse, but the tragedy of silence. I know that i am VERY ashamed about what happened. I am still caught in the trap of silence. Only a few certain people know. Thats why it feels so hypocritical of me to write about how we should not have to be silent. But the screenplay would be aimed at raising public awareness to create a culture where if someone were to say that they had been sexually abused as a child, they would be believed, treated with respect, the subject would not create an uncomfortable silence and then a change of subjects. It would be something that would be ok to talk about. Because if it were OK to talk about, then these ASSHOLE abusers would have no way of hiding anymore. They would no longer have the weapon of shame to control us.
Wow, its been a while since i've been able to just write about anything that came to mind. I know that I got sidetracked in my writing a LOT. I guess thats the ADD part of me. Well its time for me to go, so i am going to have to cut it.... short?
lol... to late for that.
Through all of this i have noticed something. When i wrote that last journal, I felt EMOTION. I FELT. Even though i was not feeling great, it was great just to be able to feel. During the fiasco of the past week or so, I have not felt. My old self defense mechanism kicked in. Detach, have no emotions, push every one away, shut everyone out, pretend like nothing is wrong.
What an idiot i am.
of course something is wrong. Lots of somethings!! yet, once again i find myself more upset about not being upset, than the real thing that i should be upset about.
I had another nightmare. Not the kind that wakes you up with a start, but the kind that makes your whole day seem sour and dismal. I do not remember the whole thing. ( I think i am thankful for that) I just remember the last little bit before i woke up. The scene was outside, treeless, wet and cold. There was a certain darkness that hung over the world that not only covered the light, but covered the soul. The landscape held the obvious marks of war. A war that was gone or perhaps had moved on somewhere else, for it was also very silent. I was laying on the ground, naked, unable to move. Around me there were hundreds of other people laying naked on the ground as well. They all looked dead, but then so did I. Next to us was a huge pit, and there were workers who were throwing the bodies into the pit. They picked me up and threw me in. I could not move or yell or talk or anything. I landed facing up on a pile of bodies. The workers spread what looked like fine powdered ash all over us, and then began to throw more bodies on us. I began to feel the weight on top of me. But the panic did not start to set in until after the workers started covering us up with dirt. I was looking at bodies that i could see in my line of sight, thinking to myself that I will probably be alive long enough to smell the other bodies decomposing and to feel the maggots and ants eating the flesh from my body.
I have not told anyone about that dream. For a very long period of time i have not remembered any of my dreams. My wife says that i still kick in my sleep, but ive been fortunate enough not to remember them.
What i dont understand is that i used to have great dreams. Really fun stuff that often felt like i should write down and use as storyline ideas. But ever since i told my wife about the SA... Nothing has been the same. Apparently even though i had never really forgotten about it, my mind was still able to lock it away safely way down in a deep hole so that i did not even have bad dreams. It was like telling her about that did more than just "let it out". When it came out it ripped a hole in my soul. Would it have been better if i had just kept my stupid mouth shut and not have said anything about it? I mean i behaved inconsistently and did not understand the reason behind it, but was that so bad?
I really need to do something creative. Something that helps me focus my "inner self". In real life i have a very oxymoronic manner about me. On one hand I am very much a person who keeps his emotions to himself. I don't like to be in big crowds, and I dont like to talk to people about anything real that is going on in my life. On the other hand... I'm good with talking to people (about stuff that does not matter), and actually like acting on stage in front of a crowd. I cannot do pure improve, but if i have a character, and basic script, I can wing it very well.
Ive been thinking of writing a screenplay. A musical. Ive been inspired by those three songs from my last journal. I think that musicals have a way of pulling on the emotions that no other form of communication can. Songs have the ability to mean different things to different people, and still be powerful to all at the same time.
The screen play would be about 4 different people who had all been sexually abused as children. It would be about there lives, and how the abuse affected them in the past, how it affects them in the present, and paints a picture of how it may affect them in the future. It would show life from our perspective. It would also, hopefully, show people why we sometimes act the way we do, and show them how this devastating act is not something that we can just "get over". It was something that was done during our developmental age. It is now part of us. It is something that we have to deal with. Something we (hopefully) can learn to cope with well, but it is certainly not something that we will get over. The ending that i have in mind for this screen play is something that is tormenting me right now. That is because it is an inspirational ending. An ending that is something that I would love to be able to accomplish for myself. That is why it torments me so much. I do not want to be a hypocrite. How could i write about a good proposed future, if i have not made it there yet? Still, on the other hand, writing about it, could help me develop a road map for healing. Anyway, the ending, the scary part of it at least, is about us (me) taking some sort of stand to raise public awareness of not only the tragedy of child abuse, but the tragedy of silence. I know that i am VERY ashamed about what happened. I am still caught in the trap of silence. Only a few certain people know. Thats why it feels so hypocritical of me to write about how we should not have to be silent. But the screenplay would be aimed at raising public awareness to create a culture where if someone were to say that they had been sexually abused as a child, they would be believed, treated with respect, the subject would not create an uncomfortable silence and then a change of subjects. It would be something that would be ok to talk about. Because if it were OK to talk about, then these ASSHOLE abusers would have no way of hiding anymore. They would no longer have the weapon of shame to control us.
Wow, its been a while since i've been able to just write about anything that came to mind. I know that I got sidetracked in my writing a LOT. I guess thats the ADD part of me. Well its time for me to go, so i am going to have to cut it.... short?
lol... to late for that.
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