AND HERE IT COMES, AGAIN!

June 11, 2010:  Well, six more days until "the day".  As I have been reflecting on what it was like those six days before Scott died, I have remembered conversations...one in particular.  He asked me, "Mom, if you wrote and obituary about me, what would it say?"  I told him I would have to say he was charming, charismatic...  He said, "Don't say charming....that sounds "gay"." (He didn't mean that in a bad way....just like it was girlish)  I then told him we didn't need to talk about this because if he would stop doing what he was doing, it would be a non-issue.  I am not sure where the conversation went from there.  I do remember telling him it would destroy me if something happened to him.  (It has.)  I also remember almost asking him if he was trying to kill himself....but, I didn't.  I wonder if he knew...  I just wonder so many things....
On the Tuesday before he died, there were many people (kids) at my home, when I got home from work.  In the pool, out of the pool, all over!  There was even a dog in the pool! I was so angry!  I told him they needed to all go home.  He wanted them to.  So, I told them Scott really needed everyone to go home.  He got angry with me for not putting it on me instead of him.  I don't know why I didn't.  We both wanted them to leave.  Like so many other things in his life, he felt things were out of control and he didn't know what to do about it.  And so, I stepped in.  Of course, he had been using.
I don't remember the next couple of days.  But on Saturday, the day before he died, I remember him telling me that two of his friends "made" him crush his methadone in the field and that it was hard!  I didn't even know that he had anything besides his prescribed pain pills.  We got in the pool.  It was the first and only time we had been in the pool together.  We had a good visit.  He complained of chest pain.  I told him, "No matter what lies you have to tell, you are going back into rehab on Monday!"
After the pool, I think I fixed dinner.  Things are getting fuzzy, now.  I remember one of his "friends" coming over about 9:30 p.m.   I was sitting on the front porch.  He shook my hand.  I told him, "If you have anything to do with what Scott is doing, STOP!.  He is going to die!"  Shortly after, Scott left with that boy.  saw my   I don't even know if I hugged him.  I do know I told him, "Be careful and I love you."  He flashed me his awesome sideways grin.  I never saw him, alive, again.
The following day, Sunday, Father's Day, I heard Scott get up to use the restroom about 10:00 a.m.  I was still in bed, but not asleep.  I was later told, he called his grandpa about that time and told him he would be over later, to plant a tree, but he wasn't feeling very well.  I had no idea.  I wish he would have told ME he wasn't feeling well!  I got up and started getting things ready for the cookout we were having.  I knew Scott had been out late so I thought, "Well, no one is coming until 6:30 p.m.  I will wake Scott about 5:30 p.m."  I wanted him to sleep off whatever.
At about 4:00 p.m., his dad and I got in the pool.  I listened at Scott's door, heard a "funny" breath, but didn't go in.  I thought, "I am waking him at 5:30 p.m.  I really want him to be "clean" and refreshed for the cook-out.    In the pool I really felt my mother-in-law's presence.  I mentioned it to my husband.  And then, I started talking about an old landlord (twenty years prior) who's son had passed away.  I don't know why...  We got out of the pool about 5:00 p.m.  I came in, dried my hair, changed clothes, and just sat in the living room visiting with my husband until the fated 5:30 p.m.
I told my husband, "Well, it is time to wake Scott.  I sure hope he is "okay"."  I almost got Gatorade for him.  I decided to wait until he was up and after his shower.
When I knocked on his door, there was no answer.  So, I opened the door...he had clothes stuffed under it...I was guessing to keep the cool in his room.  When I went in, his eyes were open and he was on his back.  I thought he was just waking up and staring at the ceiling the way people sometimes do.  (I don't anymore)  I said gently, "Scott.."  Then louder. Then, I looked at his stomach the way you look at a babies to see if they're breathing.  It wasn't moving.  I started screaming and yelled for my husband.  Scott was dead.
And so, I am reflecting.  I missed chances, warnings, and who knows what else.  I will never have the answers.  I guess I will always wonder about so many things.  What if I had gone in when I heard the "funny" breath.  What if I had checked on him when I first came in.  What if, what if?  And here I am, nearly three years later, feeling the pain like it was yesterday.  Oh, I really am destroyed.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so, so sorry. It breaks my heart to read your reminiscences. No matter what we do or don\'t do, we always feel we should have done or said something more, something different, should have had some clue, should have, could have, if only... I\'m so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Every anniversary, we go back in memory and relive it day by day, hour by hour...may you find and cling to good memories and know you did your best, that the last words you told him were I love you, and that he was home with you at the end, where he knew he was loved.
rcoco
rcoco

There is a profoundly sad and sadly similar bond that we share. I could have plugged myself into many parts of your last memories of your son.
By definition the disease is cunning, powerful, destructive, insane, and pernicious, and it has an impact on anyone and everyone close to that person, especially their mother.
My heart knows your anguish and your doubts, and your sorrow. I relive \"that day\" a lot.....the events leading up to the end......could I have altered God\'s plan, Chris\'s choices, my actions? I guess it is moot now, and so very very sad. May the Lord hold Scott and Chris in his pure white light of love and comfort, of compassion and forgiveness, of understanding and healing, and may we also bathe in that light and forgive ourselves for days past.
love, Rebecca
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

I can hear myself saying so many of the same things my friend. Sometimes I think we must pick around in our memories in order to surrender what we could not change. For me, it has been a necessary part of my healing journey and I can find myself in those last days often... I\'m so sorry that the outcome is what it was for each of us and as you mentioned I don\'t think we\'ll ever have the answers. Prayers for peace, forgiveness and kindness to ourselves as we pick up the pieces and continue to put one foot in front of the other while carrying our precious children always in our hearts. Thank you for your courage in telling us your narrative my friend because that is what it takes. Love and hugs, Joanie
biowoman
biowoman

Oh sweet friend...re-living those memories is so painful...I guess you needed to \"go there\" and re-live it all. Ginger...there was no way that you could have known that he was dying. The funny breath...who would know? Prior to our children passing we thought...this happens to someone else...you were being a loving mother...you didn\'t want to bother him...you wanted him to get as much sleep as possible...all the things that moms do...you are a great mom. Your son had a drug problem...it was his choices...please free yourself...you did the best you could with what you knew...you have \"gone there\" now...you do not have to go there again for a while...peace to you...love and hugs...Karen
misshim
misshim

Thinking of you my friend. If we all could have known what would happen to our children, there\'s no way we would have let it happen. But there was no way for us to know. Please do not take this out on yourself.
Our kids would have never done this on purpose ..... they would not have wanted us to be in this much pain. I do believe they are still close to us and are able to \"see\" us.
Take care my friend. Kelly
MitchellsMom
MitchellsMom

I am so sorry you have endured this unthinkable pain.I know it is absolutley normal to blame ourselves in any way we can for out childrens death because as moms we are supposed to know and protect. Ask yourself, and I\'m sure you have, if you had Any idea that your son was in distress wouldn\'t you have busted the door down to get to him if need be...of course you would have.... you would have walked through fire if you had to. You had no idea, I know it is not easy , but be easier on yourself, know that you were doing everything in your power to help your son,and he would never want you to carry this burden. We are all here for you when you need us, Love, Charlene, Mitchells mom
gkg21
gkg21

Thank you all my sweet friends. I guess, as Karen said, I just needed to go there. I have read that re-telling the story helps us through our trauma....I hope. Peaceful wishes to all.... Ginger
deleted_user
deleted_user

Your journal made me cry. I\'m so sorry for your loss, I
momjmc
momjmc

Peaceful wishes to you, Ginger. I know your pain.
Robin4
Robin4

I have heard you talk about finding Scott before and the \"funny\" breath but never heard you talk about the days leading up to the day that changed your life. It takes great strength and trust to share your painful memories. I\'m so sorry you are re-living those painful memories this week. We can all find a way to second guess ourselves and beat ourselves up with the \"what if\'s. The truth is that there is such a narrow margin in what could have made a difference in the outcome of what happened to our children. Please take comfort in knowing what a wonderful mother you are. You were in his corner, trying to help him and most of all you loved him. May the days ahead be gentle. Sending you prayers for continued strength. Much love. Robin
deleted_user
deleted_user

I know your journal was not an easy one to share, but I am so glad you did. I think that was a huge step for you. Hugs, Barbara
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'ll cry with you sweet mom. I to begged Nathan not to go to his friends to live:( He didn\'t listen. Can we really blame ourselves after all the warnings, all the begging? Much love, Danette Sweet Nathans mom
JFandMDmom
JFandMDmom

I understand re-living those days...it\'s so hard, but sometimes your mind just keeps going there...remembering. I\'m so sorry you\'re going through that right now, but I think by sharing them and getting those feelings out it might help a little. Please be gentle on yourself, you are a wonderful, loving mom. There is no way anything you could have done would have changed the outcome...you were trying to protect him, comfort him and love him...and I know he knows how much you love him. Sending you some peace and a big hug, Valerie
KandL
KandL

Oh Ginger, Do not let the what ifs or anything else destroy you. You are important to me. I too grapple with the what ifs. Your last words to your precious boy was \"I love you\". Be proud of that. Many lonely & desolate people in this world have never been loved. Scott knew you loved him int this world & he knows you love him now. Hold onto that. Love you, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger I know I will do no good to say it\'s not, never has been, nor ever will be your fault, I just feel the need to gently remind you, so I will just send you God\'s peace that passes understanding. Will hold you close this month. Hugs Cathy