and downhill

 
Crew meeting tonight. Well prior to going I was pretty upset to begin with. At the beginning of the meeting the President, Bill, asked the coaches to say something to start off the meeting. So Mike started. He said how excited for this season he is, how he has so many good ideas, etc. Then he went on and said, “I have continued with Crew during the offseason with coxing for different teams over the summer, and now Ashley and I are both coaching out at Loudoun County Rowing- so it’s not like we have just been sitting on our asses all summer.” Wow. Thanks douchebag. Ashley went on and said similar things. I was like, wow, now I look like a fucking lame ass loser. I just ended up saying how excited I was for the upcoming season, how I learned a lot from last year and I know this year will only be an improvement from last…blah blah blah. But in my head I was thinking, so they did all this and all I can say I did was that I started to get healthy. Hah. Wow, ya that wouldn’t fly. But I seriously wanted to scream….ya so I didn’t do jack shit this summer except spend every waking (and not waking) second focusing on getting healthy. AHHHHH
 
We met afterwards (just the coaches) and grabbed dinner. Just pissed me off more. So apparently Ashley has to cox a few races this fall for her club…so going to dinner she was saying that she hasn’t been able to eat much for the past week because she is a fat ass. She was like; this is the fattest I have been in a while. SHE KNOWS I HAVE A FUCKIGN EATING DISORDER. AHHHHH. She ordered a fucking salad. I wanted to die. I tried to ignore it. And no, she does not have an eating disorder …she’s a hearty eater and a rower. Anyways- the purpose to go grab food was to discuss some crew things. Apparently Ashley is going over to the women’s side, and mike thinks that she is probably going to be the women’s head coach. No fucking way. Whose the third wheel…oh wait, it’s me…YET again. I think I’m just going to let everyone bitch, moan, fight and I’ll just sit back and watch. As;ldgiahoirgh;
 
So driving home I cried and cried. That started after I called carlos to tell him I was on my way home and he just said “ok”. I asked what was wrong, “nothing I guess”. BULLSHIT. FINALLY I got him to say something, and he said he was mad because I was pissed and made him mad earlier when he left. AHHHHHHH. So I just said, “I’m dropping this and I’m not having anything to do with the guest list anymore. When my mother gets home I’ll give her what your mom gives me and my mom will deal with it all. She can figure it out. So I’m not discussing this anymore because I’m just going to get mad.” I really wanted to keep yhelling at him though.
 
I am just completely sick of people. Sick of everyone. I want to run away and hide. Just disappear. I’m tired of everything and everyone. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I don’t give a shit about anything. Fuck food. I want to CUT SOOO FUCKING BAD.